East of Eden (1955)

James Dean plays an adorable sweater-wearing stalker in this movie, and I don't get why people always go on and on about Rebel Without a Cause when East of Eden exists. I love Rebel, it's just...not the James Dean movie for me, you know? The cutest and best thing about that movie is Sal Mineo. How can someone's favorite James Dean movie be The Sal Mineo is Adorable & Gay LOOK AT HIS NOSE OMG Show? Come on. East of Eden is all James Dean flopping around in some highly rippable little beige sweater, being his most James Deaniest. East of Eden needs to be your quintessential James film come on you idiots. It's all him!!

That's not to say, though, that other actors don't turn the fuck up to eleven here. I used to not like Raymond Massey's performance in this, but the more I watch the movie, the more I love him. Like when he's talking about Kate and he's like "...she had such...beautiful...hands. .........Her mother had arthritis...she was always afraid she'd get it...in her...hands." Lol it's soooo, it's just so extra. It's all stilted and drawn out. Like some depressing, old timey Palmolive dish soap commercial or something. I love it and it's my favorite thing to mock from the movie. Which is saying a lot, because Jo Van Fleet is in this shit. 

Jo Van Fleet is SO. EXTRA. I love the gloves; I love how she's queen of the brothel bitches; I love how she says "RAAAANCH". It's such a beautiful, horrifying performance - one that prompts me to watch this movie as often as possible so I can memorize her lines and imitate it to a t. "You're a good looking boy"; "RAAAANCH"; her looking away when Cal stares at her too intently - ugh she's so great! Like, I mock her every move and line, but only because I love and want to be her - no shade at all. 

Can I get a just Kate movie? And it's called Just Kate! ??? It's annoying that Jo Van Fleet is probably dead. It's annoying she's not still alive at like probably 127 years old and can't revive the Kate character. This imaginary movie not happening is the bane of my fairly baneful ass existence. I miss Tom Hardy. 

So, anyway! Julie Harris I really love. Which is weird because this movie was my first exposure to her, and isn't Abra...sort of annoying?? Like, un poquito, claro? With the bangs and humblebragging and how she's sort of rude and points at all of Cal's ~éthñīć~ girlfriends, saying shit like "What are girls like that like? Do they fuck good? Do they take ten dicks at once?" One is like a twelve year old little Mexican chalupa, but okay, Abra. 

Also, how is Abra lowkey judging Cal's trash, exotic girlfriends when she's emotionally double-penning two brothers, hmm?? She's taking two dicks to the heart at once, which is way more grody than ten dicks to the butt. Okay, Abra? Sweetie :) But I love her, though, despite her judgeyness and humblebragging. Like, she tells a story about throwing a ring into the ocean that cost $3,000 in 1917 which is roughly 15 trillion fucking dollars today, and is all like "And I forgave my father!". And she's like really condescending towards Cal, and all self-obsessed, like "He's watching us(me)!!!" (lol okay he was but still like get over yourself), and telling A-ron she loves him when really she just, like, wants to get fucked? And she's all "I don't know if I love or even care about Aron, but anyway, we're gonna get married" *proceeds to tongue-blast A-ron's bro*. And after Cal beats the shit out of A-ron she follows Cal to the bar and he's talking all this deep shit about bullshit and Abra's all self-absorbed like "lol forget about when I kissed you, sweetie:) It didn't :') mean :) any:)thing:))". Like, Abra is the worst, but she's so cute, so whatever. I think Julie Harris makes her come across less cringey than she actually, like, totally, 1,000,000% is? 

But anyway, fuck all those turnt performances, because this show belongs to my boy Jimmy. It's amateur hour with JD compared to the other ~thespians~, but he's really great for his first outing. Star-making. Colin Farrell in Phone Booth star-making. Lol that was just a fun joke, like how the movie Phone Booth starring Colin Farrell is a fun joke. Or, a joke, anyway. Idk about fun. Funny? But unintentionally? :))) 

Was East of Eden even James's first movie, or just the first one that came out? He only did three...so...it doesn't totally matter. This was his first or second film and he was amazing off top, which...when does this ever happen? Well, idk, a bit. It happens...enough. Also, someone doing their first movie doesn't mean it's their first ever time acting. James had been on stage and done plays on TV, I believe, so he wasn't fresh from the womb just. And maybe I should calm down with all the "!!amazing!! first movie!!" wonderment. But no, because some actors are on their like 50th movie and still haven't figured it out. James had that shit on-lock at the start and that's some shit to get fucking excited about. 

Things James Dean as Cal does that are fucking important:

-he wears 

that^ sweater

-he stalks Jo Van Fleet and, like, in the wimpiest way, throws a rock at her house

-he rides the tops of trains and wraps himself up in his sweater like a little ball to keep warm knowing good and well that napkin-sized cloth is not warming him for shit but okay, sweetie

-he stalks Abra and A-ron. Abra says girls at school call him "The Prowler"; Cal proceeds to live up to his nickname by actually prowling

-lights a cigarette by that ice barn his dad has. Adam goes all ballistic like "put that cigarette out, Cal!" Cal proceeds to flick the likely still lit cigarette eventho Adam had said about that area being highly flammable...

-throws that ice down the ramp. Adam is all "What possessed you to do that, Cal?!" Cal is all *shrug* "Wanted to see what it would look like". 

-Everything in the bible reading scene

-Cal reading the numbers eventho Adam said he didn't "have to", which meant "not to"

-"Talk to me, father!" 

-Cal ~chaRming~~ that greasy girl at the bar. You're only getting away with it cuz you're cute and lightskin. If you looked like Van Heflin or some shit that bitch would've totally shaded you, and there's no way Kate would've cut your weird ass a fucking $5,000 in 1917 check. Lol, come on. Looks are everything.

-Cal being like "Is it against the law for a minor to be in a bar" but the cop shutting him up mid-sentence like "Um, yes?" 

-Cal stealing that chute for the lettuce

-Cal scratching his nose after that fucking bitch Abra tickled him with that flower

-Cal fully not paying attention to Abra talking

-Cal honking that horn on the car and that mechanic guy yelling at him, which Cal, like, giggled at

-Cal getting mad excited when Adam "made a joke" at the car mechanic dude

-Cal harassing Burl Ives about those beans and being all over him in the locker room and Burl is all "Don't make me hot!" 

-Cal sneakily taking a puff of Burl's cig

-Cal asking Kate for money after she's all like "Why are you following me? *bashful smirk* Ya just wanna look at me?" Lol, no, five thousand dollars, please :) swee:)tee:)

-Cal calling Kate "ma'am" like twelve thousand times in her office 

-His little stares and glances at her

-Cal getting excited about his beans growing

-Cal getting that little black boy in trouble

-Cal giving Abra a piece of black licorice (#team black licorice)

-Cal getting all excited like a dummy to give Adam that money knowing damn well this nigga is anti money, fun, and love.

-Cal like crying on Adam's body when he rejects his gift and straight-up says Aron's fake-ass non-tangible ass gift is better and the bestest

-Cal literally tossing Aron at Kate lol mess

-Cal like whining and weeping on Abra after Adam's stroke and she's all "are you going to cry forever?" and Cal whimpers "no". Aw, I wish he was wearing his little sweater :') What is this blazer he has on :') ruining :') the :') momen:')t:)

-Cal being rude and yelling at that nurse, who just wanted something to read and maybe a cup of coffee like damn, chill

This movie makes me want to actually read the book. It seems like it'd be a pretentious, Dust Bowlish version of Gone with the Wind. Where...am I getting that? I don't know, but if I never get around to reading the book, cuz lol reading and lol no attention span, the movie will suffice. So many good/mockable performances. My favorite being Jimmy Dean Sausages'. Why'd you have to die an icon instead of living forfuckingever and turning into a mere parody of yourself, hmm?? Why aren't you still alive and doing a reality show about all your bastard, d-list "celebrity" children and one is mulatto cuz you fucked Grace Jones (that was wild), and another is suspiciously blasian? How does...how does that happen? Idk, but I'm really upset you died before all that could go down, though. I mean, you could have at least lived long enough to pen some trashy, super-revealing memoir. I NEED to know if you really had a threesome with Eartha Kitt and Paul Newman. Sigh, Joanne Woodward is still alive, I wonder if she'd ever tattle? I'm sure rumors of the 3some are what attracted her to Paul in the first place. I mean, it would me. lol eye want 2 die:)