THANK U THANXTHANXTHTHAthanz gracias merci beaucoup bit ch !!!
Like, I been knowing he existed, this is just my first time actually seeing a performance of his, and whoo, he did not disappoint. This dude is like a Brad Pitt version of Javier Bardem. Does that make sense? No? Neither does this movie! Good segue!!!!
So, Deliver Us from Evil is a trash and garbage film (rubbish for you UK blokes. lol no1 reads this blog siiiiiiîìïïïīgh). And I didn't even go into this expecting to hate it like I do must films because I'm a piece of shit who, like, hopes a movie will be bad, so I can make fun of it. I actually...thought this might be interesting from the trailers? Lol, so dumb. So dumb @ me. Pretty much all horror movies are trash and I don't know why this would be any different. Cuz Eric Bana doing a New Yawk accent that I thought was a Bahston accent??? Lol
So speaking of how I thought Eric Australian Bana and Joel who still does The Soup McHale were doing Boston accents. Like even before McHale confused me with his Red Sox hat. EXCUSE ME BUT WHY IS HE WEARING A RED SOX CAP WHEN HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE BASEBALL? His character doesn't strike me as the ~ironic hipster~ type, though they were really pushing the ~sarcastic quip guy~ angle with him. Sarcastic does not always or even most of the time equal ironic handlebar moustache. Like, Jerry on Seinfeld was sarcastic. Was he a...wait was he a hipster? He was definitely into normcore. Hmmmmm
So, anyway, this movie is garbage. Garbage because I thought for a good while it was taking place in Boston, and Eric Bana, from Australia, was doing a Boston accent. Turns out most of the movie takes place in Brooklyn? Lol, okay.
Remember when Eric Bana was The Hulk? Lol me either. So anyway Eric plays some cop named Sarchie in this mess. And he has this adrenaline junkie partner played by McHale named WHO THE FUCK CARES WILL HE SHUT HIS GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING MOUTH?! McHale was so fucking annoying in this movie omg I was so, like, *~*ecstatic~*~ when his character was killed. WHY WHEN SEAN HARRIS LIKE STABBED HIM OR WHATEVER DID MCHALE JUST QUIETLY TAKE IT???? HOW COMES THERE WAS LIKE NO SCREAMING OR EVEN A LITTLE GRUNTING???? And how come...how come McHale like walked toward Sean Harris?? To be stabbed and killed? He didn't even try to fight back. I was like "???". But at the same time I was just really relieved that McHale had been killed off because I swear to god if he had made one more quippy little under the breath comment I would have done nothing and kept watching, but I would've been salty - please know I would've had an attitude about him not dying!!!
I was really pleased, though, that Sarchie like barely cared about his partner getting killed. He like checked McHale's pulse for two seconds, even though he was clearly dead but okay, and then called it in like "lol man down, this dude is dead" and then the next scene he's having like a super-intimate, chilled out ass time with his new best friend/boyfriend Father Mendoza who is not just any priest - he made a girlfriend get an abortion and did, like, A TON of heroin. Of course Sarchie didn't give a fuck about his partner dying when this new, super-cool priest with an ~exotic~ accent and beautiful hair and a beautiful face and a cool leather jacket and he's done so many drugs and is gnarly as fuck is around. Joel McHale wearing a backwards baseball cap the entire time for no real reason besides possible male pattern baldness but like a balding scalp would have at least made his character sympathetic - who?!
Can we talk about Father Mendoza? Like he was really beautiful lol. And I love how he kept checking bitches out in the movie. Lol it happened like twice, but I was like "???". I thought it was weird how they were playing up so hard how he wasn't just ~any old regular priest~. Yeah, he's not any priest at all, as far as I'm concerned lol. He's just another fuck-off nigga going around demanding people call him "Father". Or "Daddy"??? Hmmm??? No, but he was really hot so thanx movie for at least giving me that. Like, you failed on all other levels, but you at least had some random hot priest. So...good job? I mean, no. You failed spectacularly, but Édgar Ramírez, tho. Haha kill me.
Hello, movie. Why you got Sean Harris in this shit but, like, don't even utilize him properly?? Hmm?? Are you defunct? Well, yeah. Yeah. You are certainly...not functioning properly as a piece of entertainment. I mean, you have multiple scenes with Sarchie's family and I'm like "lol why tho?????????". The only thing I can say about the Sarchie family scenes is 1. Olivia Munn is really pretty and that's it, and 2. The daughter did not look ethnically ambiguous enough for me. She was a boring, cereal commercial looking ass little bitch, and if you're gonna put child actors on my screen, they better be serving looks.
But back to talking about Sean Harris while I try to ignore the gut punch of an ending you gave me with Sarchie's family fucking surviving ugggggggggh. I like mostly watched this movie for him. For Sean Harris. I love him and thought he would turn the fuck up in this movie as like some vet suffering from PTSD but you barely gave this nigga any lines. I....like...what??? Did you just cast him because you think he looks creepy and weird??? Sigh, Hollywood. This is why all your movies are super terrible. This is not how casting should work. Hello you can't just cast some talented nigga in a role with barely any lines and his face is covered by a hood half the time wtf PUT MCHALE IN THAT ROLE ARE YOU SERIOUS. Ugh, please!!! Sean would've been so much better/more interesting as the partner and I just don't understand life, I guess.
Shout out to the sole black dude in the film who saw that Sarchie and Father Mendoza were about to perform an exorcism on Sean Harris and all he did was go like "Oh hell naw!!!!!" instead of, like, going into the room and at least saying "lol guys what r u doing?". Who would just??? Let them do the exorcism???? Like I get Sarchie said he'd take full responsibility but I'm also almost totally certain that's not how the fuck it works. Those other cops would totally get in trouble for leaving him in there alone to fucking expel a demon from one of their suspects LOL BUT OKAY BASED ON A TRUE STORY. No wonder that Sarchie nigga "retired".
Retire this movie. That's what you need to retire ugh shut the fuck
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