Next of Kin (1982)

The Internet Movie Database page for this movie tells me Next of Kin is considered an "ozploitation" film, and I'm so upset I am just now learning that word. It's so perfect to describe literally, like, every fucking Australian horror film I've ever seen. Actually, honestly, every Australian film, period. Every Australian film totally exploits this really horrible image I have of what Australia is like in my mind. But it can't be all that bad. I mean, sweet, glue-colored Nicole Kidman is from there. Nicole Kidman can't be from a place that is essentially the Deep South meets the Ozarks meets gigantic fucking mutant spiders. Nicole Kidman is very English Rose and I just refuse to believe she's from a place that's like only prarire land and their dogs eat fucking babies like it's just some shit you do. 

Next of Kin isn't really exploity, totally. I actually...wish it were...more. Because this shit was hella boring. I guess it does exploit how...fucking boring so many Australian films are?? That's like, a cliché about Australia, right? Their movies are super-boring and not-likable??? Like how are you going to make a film about a mob family and it's dry as hell??? (Lookin' at you, Animal Kingdom). Oh and that movie with all the girls at the boarding school and one disappears. That's a horror film?? I'm falling asleep - come on!! 

Next of Kin at least tried to be...a horror film. But, like, not really. It was just...not...scary or interesting or...anything. It just wasn't. Oh, some old people are drowning in tubs?? Okay what else is new lol like. I just was really bored. I need my horror films to turn the fuck up. Next of Kin did the opposite of turn the fuck up. It turned the fuck down and took an extended wellness rest which we folks here in America refer to as a goddamn coma, bitch. WAKE UP!!!

Idk. Maybe I'm just salty because I actually thought this movie was something else. I was looking for another movie called Next of Kin. I think it's like a Swedish or Polish film or something. And I thought this was that. It...wasn't. Why did I continue to watch this when I realized it was the wrong movie? Fuck, idk. The main actress was really pretty, I guess? For an Australian. Was she even an Aussie, tho? She sounded prim as fuck. Do the 1% in Australia just speak with English accents? Australia was colonized, right? So...like they used to all have English accents?? Okay, but, this movie takes place in like 1982. Shouldn't...idk, man. I don't feel like getting into politics right now. But can we talk about how aborigines are treated there??? No, this isn't that type of blog. Also, I don't actually know how they're treated. But...it seems...overtly--like they're overtly discriminated against and hmmmm. Hmmm @ you Australia. 

Anyway! Here's a handful of screencaps I took of the movie. They explain almost nothing about the film. G'day, mate. ugghgugugh

I don't know who this dude is. I think maybe he was one of the old people boarders in the house? Idk, who cares. Not me. I took this screenshot because this dude, whoever the fuck he is, had like a koala...dummy. He was like moving its head and stuff. It looked really creepy and weird and I laughed and I was already bored so soon into the movie and so this screencap exists, you're welcome thank you

Why did I screencap this? Ugly crying, perhaps? Oh! no! this was when...she met her dead aunt, right? That was actually sort of creepy. But only because the actress playing the aunt...looked creepy. Not that...she was like a ghost or whatever. Was she a ghost? Who cares? N o t  m e .

Who was this boy? I thought he was the main chick's brother? Like he was there at the beginning, but then completely disappeared five minutes in and we don't see him again until she goes to the diner and he's there all by himself? Why is this boy alone by himself--like is he manning the diner? So confused. And yet...I don't actually even really care. Hmm. 

This was when that truck was like slowly barreling through the diner. Everything was like in slow-mo. It was really funny. However, I wish I was dead.

Oh, it was a van.

YO. WHO WAS THIS DUDE? And he came out of nowhere attacking the main bitch. Like, we first see him and he's bringing his grandma or some shit to the boarding house, right? And he's like giving googly eyes to the main bitch? And then we get little glimpses of him from time to time being around the house??? And then at one point we see him on the road and he's trying to honk at the main bitch? OKAY BUT WHO WAS HE AND WHY WAS HE TRYING TO KILL HER, LIKE???? I don't think it's even a case of me not paying attention (which is totally plausible come on), I just think...this movie was just randomly throwing shit at the wall and shrugging like "I guess?" even though literally nothing was sticking?? Like, how Australian of you. What an Australian way to go about making movies. Good on!

Why did the diner look like a little miniature model toy thing? But then the camera pans down and main bitch and that random boy are walking out the front door?? Lol and "Roadside Diner". How Australian of you. I bet their grocery marts are just named like "Store". Hospitals are like "Hospital". Brothels are like "Sex House" - you get it. 

Kill me