Bernie (2011)

Okay, this was a weird movie. Strange tone. It concerns this fat nigga named Bernie and he get with this old, rich broad, named Marjorie. Bernie...is like a hustler, I guess? He's not obvious as one though because he's like this little effeminate, church-going porky boy. But like, what is not obvious-hustler about 1. a nigga who works at a funeral home, selling services to families who've recently been bereaved, and 2. spends an inordinate amount of time cuddling up to old bitties? 

I guess people from Bernie's community kind of write off most of his suspicious behavior as "eccentric", which, lucky him. But at the end of the day, he dun killed a bitch. Lol, long and short of it, he murdered some old bitch cuz she was annoying to him. Now!!! Do I completely one hundred percent get killing someone because they're annoying? BITCH, YES! I am so consistently fucking irritated at all times always. I am that fuzzy green shit who lives in a trash can. I think about going on an irritant-killing spree every second of my life. But I'd never do it because I'm extremely lazy, am anti-gun, anti-violence lol, and just feel like that's not some shit you do. If someone is irritating you...get away from them. If you can't, just make a bunch of irritated sighing sounds until they do, kaduh! 

But let's talk about how Bernie COULD get away from Marjorie. It wasn't like she had him chained up in her basement while she sat directly in his face chewing on Slim Jims with her whole mouth open. He could just...leave? lol like what. How you just pick up a gun and blast some old bitch in the back fifty hundred or so times lol he did the most. I could MAYBE see if it was one shot, BUT HE BLASTED HER UNTIL THAT SHIT WAS EMPTY LOL THEN HAD THE AUDACITY TO BE CRYING, TALKING BOUT SOME MARJORIE ARE YOU OKAY? NO SHE AINT OKAY! SHE DEAD CUZ YOUR BIG ASS SHOT HER A MILLION TIMES!! the fuck lol

Idk I was feeling some type of way maybe about Bernie killing Marjorie. I think because they treated the situation kind of flippantly? Like the movie, Richard Linklater, the townspeople, etc. Literally all Bernie had to do to not be brought down by Marjorie's negativity was remove himself from her life? Like he went out of his way to insert himself in her orbit. Because he wanted to scam and get coins to travel around the world and see plays and shit. It's like, bitch, save up the money you make from putting makeup on corpses. Or if you so dearly need a sugar-mama, get like a less irritable one? Like what @ him just killing somebody. But fine! I guess it's like some black comedy and I don't need to take it seriously but I'm pretty sure this is a real dude and this actually happened? But anyway hahahahaha I guess. 

I took some screenshots. This movie was lowkey kind of funny. In like a boring way lol. It had its moments, but overall: kill me. 

The skinny old broad with the pearl necklace was THAT BITCH! She was killing me. Were these people being interviewed actors or actual townspeople from the place Bernie was from? The fact that my dumb ass can't tell indicates this was good casting/shooting. I guess! 

This other townsperson was funny, too. Here she's talking about Marjorie and it's funny but it's like...why are people so hype to kill someone cuz they crabby? Lol The South, I guess. loljk I'm a Yankee and you get killed up here for talking smack about Chamillionaire, so nvm.

lol lowkey I loved Marjorie. Her faces in some town meeting were mad funny. Like she is me. Oh is this why I feel some type of way? Because I'd totally be the type of person to get shot a million times in my back by some fat dude who knows how to correctly pronounce La bohème?? Lol nah Marjorie was mad lame for falling for Bernie. He wasn't even cute. Her rich ass coulda bought someone cuter, foh.

Truly screaming at this dude talking about Bernie kissin' on Marjorie. Did they really get down like that or is this dude just exaggerating? Either way, where's the vomit bucket lol!! :(

Another photo of bae and her...gentleman friend.

I was dying when Danny Buck dragged Bernie within an inch of his life concerning him being fat and a battyboy. I mean, say no to body-shaming and homophobia, but say yes to some good laughs on occasion, you know? Please help me. Also when did Matthew McConaughey stop doing shitty, awkward ass romcoms and start becoming like a Woody Harrelson type? Like when did it start becoming acceptable for him to be in stuff and people are just like "This is fine and good mostly"? Idk, but I'm into it. Mostly.

So Jesus was a booty-snatcher as well? Makes some good damn sense! A nigga partin' red seas and shit GOTTA be gay! Wait no, that's Moses' dry ass. But anyway, Hmmmm @ Moses. 

lol Bernie aint like how Marjorie chewed her bites too long. But me, tho. I hate any...thing happening when someone is eating. If it deviates from "normal" I want to scream and cry. Lowkey I think I have autism? Anyway, 

lol, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Does her dead ass look okay? But me.

Girl, quit.

Why I take a pic of this bitch? lol idk but there's a sign for a Dinosaur Park in the back. Is that...real? ...

Everyone on the jury is me.

Lowkey McConaughey's exhumed ass was going off as the lawyer dude. I don't remember him being this turned up in the Lincoln Laywer. But Ryan Phillippe was in that, so I was prob too distracted thinking bout the fact that he used to smash Reese Witherspoon. Like what did that look like? Why the ones you really want to see have a sex tape never do? It's always some trash, p-list lame asses. Like we get a general idea of what you look like fucking just from your overall worn-out and bloated appearances while doing scheduled pap strolls around a dollar store parking-lot. I wanna see what Felicity Huffman and William H. Macy look like getting down! Come on, America! Get with the program!!!