Monday, August 25, 2014

Masterpiece of Shit Theater: Episode 1, Perfect Stranger (2007)




I knew about this movie. I think, when it came out, people were saying two things: "Halle Berry the Oscar Winner" with italics in their tone, and "What is this really weird long ass commercial?" I had no interest in seeing this until I was watching one of my favorite YouTubers ( u g h ) Qaadir Howard. He goes on random tangents about basically everything. In one video he was disparaging a popularish film he saw in theaters that everyone else seemed to like, but he didn't. I think, I don't even remember the movie he mentioned. But I do remember he offered Perfect Stranger up as an example of a movie which he did, that had a ~good twist~ that was interesting. Something like that. Anyway, my immediate thoughts were: "There's no way that movie is good." But I was intrigued. No one in the history of life has ever or since recommended this film. Until now. And also when Qaadir did it. sigh

I was sucked into this movie immediately, but I'm not exactly clear on why. In the first scene Halle's character visits this Politic Guy in his office under the guise that she...I don't know, makes picture captions? I have no fucking clue but she has all these photos of this guy on her computer cackling it up with his interns and shit. Right away it's clear he's fucking the ginger one in the pics, who is a dude. (GAY SCANDAL 2007). But it takes Halle's character a minute to reveal she's a reporter calling this dude out - who uses his platform to spout anti-gay gobbledygook - on fucking his crab-crotched intern. In this scene I was really worried this dude was about to just straight-up bludgeon Halle's character, put some rocks in her pockets, and toss her out the window. On fire. But then she says a bunch of stuff that sort of seems like it protects her from him murdering her immediately. It also prompts Politic Guy to be all DON'T PUBLISH THIS STORY I'LL DO ANYTHING!!! Then it's revealed Halle was recording this convo the entire time. And who was on the other end receiving this recording? NONE OTHER THAN !SURPRISE! GIOVANNI RIBISI!

!!!!!

Two things: 1.) I was so happy when Giovanni turned up. I think I knew in that moment, secretly, that this was going to get good. But it wasn't solidified until a scene that comes a short while later where it's clear Giovanni's character has a crush on Halle's. I think I rubbed my sweaty palms together in an I'm about to molest my stepdaughter sort of way, when that was revealed. But more on Giovanni's "crush" later. 2.) The funny thing about Halle recording her interacting with Politic Guy is that it's made to seem like this really revolutionary, cool new thing. Her boss says something really goofy like "YOU RECORDED IT IN WASHINGTON AND IT MADE IT HERE TO NY??!?!?" or something like that (I forgot the exact states he said), but Halle's character answers all proud/smug like "YEP!" It's comes off so ridiculous. But 2007, I guess. And probably this movie was actually made in like 2005. I don't even remember 2005. What was I - like, 15? lol  I watched One Tree Hill on a TV back then. It wasn't even digital cable. My god. 

Okay so back to Creepovani Creepbisi...(noooooooooo). At a bar later, to celebrate Halle's victory in achieving a career-making story, Halle and Giovanni are having some drinks. They're laughin' it up and it's cute and I totally ship them. Then Giovanni goes to get some more drinks or something and kisses Halle on the cheek as he leaves which is awkward but I'm like AW. Then her boss randomly shows up and is like "Watch out, next time it'll be on the lips", which should have been all the warning I needed for Giovanni's entire character (LATER). After that sassy snipe, he lays it on Halle that her story's being pulled. She figures out it's because the paper she works for backed Politic Guy in the last election, and promptly loses her shit. But my thing is, you knew your paper backed this dude. OF COURSE they'd reject a story like this. I don't know, it seemed really naive. But Halle has some pretty great yelling-in-a-bar stuff. She then quits, and races out of the bar into the night timey streets. 

IMMEDIATELY, someone is calling after her in the dark, briskly chasing her in the street. It's unclear if Halle can hear this woman, but I believe she could because when she reaches the sub station she appears to be rushing to make the car in an irritated way. I mean, she could have just really wanted to get home, but when the woman catches up with her after she misses the train car, it's clear they know each other and don't seem to be on the best of terms. This woman with a terrible haircut tells Halle she has a story for her. Essentially that she met some ~famous~ ad guy (It's Bruce Willis) in some chatroom (ugh) which turned into them fucking offline. He's married, she has e-mails. The whole time I'm like "So?", and Halle sort of says the same shit. I think, when she returns home, she looks the guy up though. Which only makes sense when you know the ~twist~, which I don't want to reveal yet because...it's not the right time. Not yet. But soon. (uggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh)

Okay. Bad Hair turns up dead. Gruesomely. Oh, wait, first. Bad Hair and Halle had a history. They grew up together. ~Something happened~. It's revealed Bad Hair fucked Halle's boyfriend, but it's clear some other shit went down too. Like, Bad Hair has some sort of hold on Halle (ughguuguh). Anyway, she's fucking killed, so no more of that. Bad Hair's mom calls Halle like MY DAUGHTER IS MISSING AND THE POLICE SAID THEY FOUND THE BODY DO YOU THINK IT'S HER OH GOD. Halle's all like, "No, I promise she's okay". Then in the next scene she's identifying this bitch's body at the morgue. A psychic, this one is not. Bad Hair's corpse is fucked. Not literally (well, maybe). She was drowned, but I think first poisoned. With belladonna. Poured into her eyes and stomach and shit. I think. I don't know, but she looks gross. I'm...not sure who the movie actually wants us to believe killed this woman, but Halle's character is sure it's Bruce Willis' adman. Or advertising exec. Whatever he is. She begins to doggedly pursue finding evidence to prove her theory, with the help of Creepovani. 

Giovanni gets Halle a temp job at Bruce's agency so she can spy on him, but before we get into all that mess, at some point Halle slaps on some slinky ass dress and comes out to reveal it to Giovanni, who made me more uncomfortable than I ever thought possible with his no-hands masturbating ass reaction. The dress is definitely not for him. I thought it was for sleuthing on Bruce. I thought she was going to go approach him in a club or some shit and win his affections just by being fucking Halle Berry. Um, but, no. The dress was for her ex, whom Bad Hair fucked, remember. 

Halle brings him back to her apartment to do sex on him. I must note that when she left, Giovanni was sitting there on her couch eating sushi or some shit. She made some comment about how he should lock the door behind him when he leaves. And I remember being like "Why would you leave him unattended alone in your home, and how do you know he will leave?" SURE ENOUGH, as she's standing-up fucking Gary Dourdan in her apartment THAT SHE THINKS IS EMPTY BECAUSE WHY WOULDN'T IT BE, Giovanni is creepin' around a corner, watching/listening to her circumcise this lightskinnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnned dude's penis worm. JUST STANDING THERE IN HER DARK APARTMENT BEING A CREEP. Here, I began making some guesses how this movie would play out. And those guesses were: GIOVANNI IS THE KILLER GIOVANNI IS THE  KILLER GIOVANNI FUCKING KILLED BAD HAIR AND JON BENET RAMSEY AND HALLE YOU NEXT. 

I never thought Bad Hair's killer was Bruce. He barely registered to me as a person of interest. But Giovanni had several flashing arrows pointing at his ass. 1. He's a natural-born creep. Creeps kill. 2. It was made clear his crush on Halle was a little bit more than that. In the beginning, I thought it was going to be a cute one-sided puppy love, we're close friends but I'm too puny for Halle to ever consider me a viable, non-laughable option type of thing. But very quickly he became weird as hell, exhibit a, hiding in this bitch's house, watching her do not-him. Also 3, There was a throwaway mention of him having seen Bad Hair recently, prior to her death. Halle was surprised he'd visited with Bad Hair and wondered why he didn't tell her about it. But Giovanni brushed it off. REDFLAGREDFLAG. 

Despite Giovanni clearly being the killer, Halle goes to work at Bruce's company to Giovanni on him. She's stuffing like Victoria's Secrets bags and other mundane shit.

(suspense and intrigue)

I have no idea if we're supposed to suspect any of these random characters introduced at Bruce's office, BUT I DON'T. So any scenes attempting to portray them in suspicious light are a waste of time. First of all, with a movie like this, the killer is always going to be ~A Name~. So we have three options here: Halle, Bruce, or Giovanni. If I have to look up who you are on imdb, even if you look super familiar and I've seen you in at least three different fucking HBO shows, you are not the father!

Again, despite Bruce definitely absolutely probably not being the killer, Halle strikes up some flirtation with him. Sigh, whatever. He's smitten, which works in her favor when he catches her trying to install some spyware shit on his computer. He thinks she's a spy for another ad agency and gets all yelly. But Halle ridiculously slinks out of the situation by saying she'd just come into his office to deposit a note. Something REAL DUMB referencing a conversation they had over drinks. She even sort of has physical proof to back up her lie. He believes her, and they go out to a restaurant or some shit. They're making out and it's gross, when Halle excuses herself to use the bathroom and probably vomit all over the walls. Dummy leaves her phone behind. The phone rings or beeps or something, and nosy ass Bruce opens it up to be a nosy ass. He reads a text from Giovanni basically saying: NO, YOU BALDING FUCK, SHE DOESN'T LIKE YOU. SHE WAS IN YOUR OFFICE DOING SPY STUFF LIKE YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS, YOU PENIS-BRAINED SIMPLETON. 

I decided, after Bruce read the text, to give him another chance to prove to me he was a worthy suspect in Bad Hair's killing. I would study his next moves closely. What he'd do, now that he had proof Halle was lying to him. They get into his car and Bruce is being weird and fake-creepy. Like smiling to himself, I guess. Sigh. He confronts Halle and is yelly again. She admits to being a spy, but allows him to believe it's for a rival ad agency. At some point he attempts to punch her, but stops himself. Sigh. What killer has impulse control? SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGH. He lets her go from his car and that's basically it. The next day Giovanni calls Halle freaking out, like, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME BLAH BLAH. She tells him Bruce caught her, and that her gaining access to his computer is not going to happen. Giovanni says something like don't worry, come to my place later and we'll talk about stuff. Halle says okay and Giovanni practically comes in his pants. But before that, Halle goes to visit her mother, who, I think, ...is in an insane asylum????

Now...throughout the film, Halle's been having these weird flashbacks to her childhood which, even though they were all up in my fucking face, I chose to mainly ignore in relation to determining who the killer was. HAVE YOU FIGURED OUT WHO THE KILLER IS? Is anyone even reading this? (No.) In the flashbacks it seems Halle was being molested or about to be molested or some shit by her dad or stepdad person. Then there's a random little blonde girl. SIGH.

After Halle visits her catatonicish mom, it's later and time to go to Giovanni's...living quarters. Throughout the movie, there are several scenes where Giovanni is conversing with Halle on the phone, and in the background you catch glimpses of his shitty-creepy apartment. So it's great when Halle walks into his place and we get the full horrifying portrait. (What's with the candy-colored walls??) BUT FIRST we must address how when Halle shows up to Giovanni's place, he is not there. FOR SOME REASON, he's made plans to visit Bruce's office at the same time he's supposed to be hanging out with Halle. Siiiiiiiigh. So, Giovanni goes to Bruce's office under the guise of an IT guy. He's going to try to install that spy shit on his computer, I guess. Bruce turns up like FUNNY, I DON'T REMEMBER CALLING FOR AN IT GUY. Yeah. So, Giovanni says something about how when a computer goes down, the computer calls him. Which, NO. I DON'T BELIEVE YOU NO ONE BELIEVES YOU. Bruce is suspicious but only in a bald-headed idiot sort of way. He goes to clear some porn or whatever off his hard drive and makes Giovanni wait. I GUESS Giovanni thought he'd be able to quickly pop in to Bruce's office, install the spyware, then pop out to be at his apartment in time to meet Halle...? He appears to not have expected to run into any problems that would hold him up, which is hella dumb. There was a short moment with Giovanni at the office which made me doubt him, for the first time since basically fifteen minutes into the movie, as the possible killer. He sees these blown-up photos Bruce's wife took of eyes dilated with belladonna - the same shit used on Bad Hair. Giovanni's reaction seems like it could be one of a guy having the semi-shocked version of an a-ha! moment, but also I was like, "He just looks like that because he's being reminded of the crime he definitely committed." I never suspected Bruce's ~no name actress~ wife. Except for one second, then never again. 

BACK AT GIOVANNI'S BOMB SHELTER, he's not answering the buzzer. A person from his building comes out, allowing Halle to enter. She goes to his door, where he's left a key at the top of the frame. You just know she's about to discover some shit. Pretty immediately she hears the sound of her voice coming from his bathroom saying something like, "You're so sexy, Miles" (Miles is the name of Giovanni's MURDERER character) on repeat. Off of the bathroom there is a little room, which is where the sound is actually coming from. Inside, it's basically a bunch of shit cribbed from a magazine probably called Stalker's Fancy. Just a bunch of stolen ideas from better, more daring stalker hovels of time past and future. There are stalker photos of Halle up, arranged in some totally not creepy collage. A weird mannequin thing with one of the photos of her face pasted on it (solid D minus), pics of random naked female bodies posted up, etc etc. On his computer, along with that creepy recording of Halle's voice, are photos of Bad Hair engaging in various sexual intercourse positions with Giovanni. Even more damning, Halle sees Giovanni has been posing as Bruce online, chatting up both her and Bad Hair. While stupidly just chillin' in Giovanni's killer closet, clicking through all the shit on his evidence box instead of setting fire to everything and fleeing to the least sex trafficy city in Mexico, Giovanni comes home, busting Halle. 

UM, EXCUSE ME WHAT ARE YOU DOING, he queries, in what could maybe be considered a haughty tone. Or maybe he says "Who told you to come in here?" Either way, he has an attitude. Which is a little off base. But what follows is a great scene of Halle and Giovanni crying and yelling at each other. It was so cute. Aw, why can't you two crazy kids just learn to work it out? I can't remember if Halle accused Giovanni of being the murderer. I mean, probably. I just remember her saying he needed help. Then, in an effort to save his ass a bit I guess, Giovanni brings up the eye portraits at the agency and the belladonna AND HALLE STICKS TO THE THEORY OF FUCKING BRUCE WILLIS BEING BAD HAIR'S KILLER EVEN THOUGH SHE SAW ALL THAT I AM A SERIAL KILLER SHIT CUT WITH SAFETY SCISSORS AND PASTED WITH AN ELMER'S GLUE STICK ALL OVER THE WALLS OF GIOVANNI'S LAIR!

WHAT?! 

Bruce is brought up on charges and handed a guilty verdict! And I was like...um, okay. I guess...he killed her? But like the whole basis for his arrest was Halle setting up a date with him through the chatroom at a hotel, and the police showing up to arrest him instead. Based on...what, exactly, I haven't the slightest fucking clue. But once he gets a life sentence or whatever I just stupidly accept this as the end, being a dummy and forgetting ~the twist~. 

Giovanni was just a very large, living way past its expectant age red herring. What we get next, after Bruce going to jail, is some voiceover shit from Halle waxing on the nature of humans or some shit. I don't know, I think the gist is...I have no idea. I forget. People are never as they seem? Sometimes even you can't know yourself?? Whatever, cut to Halle pulling a bottle of belladonna out of the bottom of a can of hairspray from her medicine cabinet, then pouring the shit down the tub drain. Giovanni interrupts her to explain what the fuck. To Halle. To explain to Halle why she murdered Bad Hair. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhbjhebkhsa djkewjnbfksjn

You see, Halle and her mom were neighbors to Bad Hair and her mom. So they grew up together OR WHATEVER. One day, Halle's dad, or step dad father figure person, is attempting to molest her in the bathroom. This is a flashback, by the way. You can tell because...there's a blue tint to the scenes? (!!) Anyway, Halle's mom comes into the bathroom and kills the dude. THEN, FOR REASONS I CAN'T EXPLAIN, Halle and her mom dump this guy's body in a grave they somehow dug out back their house, which other homes overlook. And Halle's mom is talking loud as shit the whole time about how they can never tell anyone about this. NO SHIT, BITCH, SHHH! Anyway, because they were too dumb to get rid of the body in a more secluded location, Little Bad Hair, from a window in her house, sees all. She basically spends all the following years blackmailing the shit out of Halle - do this for me or I'll tell! (blech) She's annoying as shit and a burden and stuff, so Halle bides her time, waiting for the perfect moment to get rid of/murdermurder this bitch. Bingo, Bad Hair shows up one day with e-mail transcripts purportedly from Bruce. She'll frame Bruce for Bad Hair's murder. Brilliant! While Giovanni is explaining all this, Halle is crying the whole time and also they keep changing rooms and positions as he's talking. Which doesn't make sense. Someone comes to your house and tells you they know all your horrible ass secrets in a long ass paragraph diatribe thing and you're switching from the floor in the hallway, to the couch with your head in his lap


midway through? I think you'd sort of just stay in one place feeling the whole time like you really have to shit. 

Next, they're in the kitchen. Blehblehbleh, ruining what maybe could have been a sweet (in a bitter way) moment, Giovanni decides now he will blackmail Halle. He's standing super close to her when he implies this, too. Saying, like, "What will you do for me?", pertaining to him keeping his mouth shout about the murder. I was just like, Dude, she'll prob just kill you like she did Bad Hair... Lo and behold, Giovanni ends up with a knife in his chest.



Cute. Halle calls someone - her boss, I think - crying like I WAS WRONG, WE GOT THE WRONG GUY, MILES ATTACKED MEEEE! She puts the belladonna bottle in Giovanni's pocket, then takes his hand and uses his probably stubby fingernails to scratch crazy-impressive bear claw sized scratch marks into the side of her neck. Done, police will believe her story. AND YET, as the camera pans up we see there was someone across the way in another building watching this entire interaction transpire. Then the movie ends, focusing on that Peeping Tom Asshole's eyes or some shit. For whatever and UM, OKAY.

Ultimately, I liked this movie. Is it a good movie? NO. But it had some good aspects. Giovanni, for one. And this was the first time I was ever really interested in Halle as an actor. I thought she had some good scenes. And there was some ridic creepy stuff - always my fave. Also, I did not see ~the twist~ coming. Because I am an idiot, though. Now that I know, it's obvious. I ignored like all the shit about her mom and childhood and stuff. Too distracted by Creepovani. I shot my wad too early on. (die) 

Masterpiece of Shit Theater is not about bad movies. It's about movies that are not good in a sense that a respectable sane person would say they were, but that I find in many ways charming or interesting or funny or fucked up or greasy or just too bizarre not to at least a little bit accidentally like. OR, something so bad it's made me physically sick. So either "so bad it's maybe good", or Battlefield Earth. No inbetweenie just-bad shit like most dreck turned out in theaters. After a while, all just bad movies are one and the same. Perfect Stranger? "So bad, you should've known Giovanni Ribisi would be in it, but even without that knowledge, you definitely knew Halle Berry was."




Random last minute aside: Look^ at this balding eagle douche sitting on her desk ugh this reminds me of that episode of King of Queens when Carrie's boss kept sitting on her desk and she tried putting sharp objects up to prevent him from doing it but he'd just move the objects........I really love Carrie Heffernen, is what I'm saying.


queen of queens


Monday, August 18, 2014

The Nature of the Beast (1995)



Eric Roberts is in my A-list. Which means I'll watch, unfortunately, anything he's in. I have an A-list, B-list, and C-list. An example of a b-lister would be, horrifyingly, Stephen Dorff. B-list means I'll watch most of his shit, but some stuff - fuck no. Actually, now that I'm thinking about it...Derff might be A-list. Ugh, Deuces Wild. C-list is for actors I either just like (Tom Hanks) or am uncertain about (Amanda Seyfried), so I will watch some of their movies because I am interested in them to a certain extent, but I'll be way more discerning. Which is a bold-faced lie when you consider how much Seyfried-starring garbage I've seen, which is basically everything she has been in post-Big Love. But I digress!

Eric is A-list, so I watch whatever he is in. To say the least, it's been a journey. Something recently I watched starring him, which came out around the same time this^ movie did, was a "film" titled Love Is a Gun. You know what's also a gun? That movie. Pistol jammed right through my shitty teeth, aimed towards the roof of my shit-covered mouth, at my dead dumb brain. I did not like it, is what I mean. Mainly because Eric plays a ~normal guy~ in it, but also mainly because it was fucking atrocious.

I knew immediately that I would at least a little bit like Nature of the Beast. For one, the title, and for two, because I assumed Eric would be playing some sort of maniac, which is my favorite thing for his clearly real-life crazy ass to do. The movie starts off with some dude being murdered in a car, but we can't see who's murdering him. I assume said murderer is Emma Roberts' dad. Like, come on, who else would it be? Then after that we're introduced to Lance Henriksen (Jack), who is doing a nosy ass slow-crawl by the aforementioned crime scene. I don't know what the movie wants us to think about Jack. Do they want us to assume he's a mild-mannered businessman out on the road doing sad traveling salesman type businessperson shit? He looks immediately suspect straight away.
Which probably has ALL to do with the fact that he's played by fucking Lance Henriksen who looks like every villain in every eighties movie ever. Exempting the teen movies from the aidsies. All those towheaded jock angel bastards were played by Billy Zabka, who is probably (hopefully) dead now.

First we're introduced to Lance/Jack, then we see Eric/Adrian/Dusty. Jack is driving down some desert road when he passes Adrian who is attempting to hitch a ride. First, good job, Jack. Never pick up hitchhikers, particularly if they're wearing a fucking jean shirt. Second, oh my god Eric Roberts looks ridiculous/amazing. His hair is professionally blown out for no reason whatsoever and he's wearing TWO EARRINGS ON ONE EAR.
(this is like all I could find of those fucking earrings COME ON LAZY GOOGLE SEARCH FRONT PAGE, DO BETTER)

From jump street it's clear Adrian is a bad ass beauty queen. And a little bit it makes you wonder why Jack didn't pull over. Stop frontin', Jack. "Stop frontin', Jack" became a theme with me while watching this movie, but I'll get to that later, but in all actuality I probably won't because I often bring up topics only to completely drop them because I think I might be in the early stages of schizophrenia lol

Jack stops at a diner or some shit and goes to use the bathroom. Then Adrian's jean shirt model ass comes in and is all like YOU'RE PRETTY RUDE, DUDE or some shit like that. Because Jack didn't stop to pick him up. One, how the fuck did Adrian catch up with Jack so quickly? I GUESS he got another car to pick him up?? Two, WHO THE FUCK does Adrian think he is??? No one HAS to pick you up. It's not some law, or even an unspoken rule that car-havers have to pick fucking hitchhikers up. He truly had the audacity to come into that bathroom and grill Jack on why he didn't stop for him. And what does Jack respond? Well, first, he says some bullshit like "I didn't see you, then when I did it was too late". What? Does your car not have the reverse button? (Can you tell I don't drive and also that I am an alien here to learn your secrets?) After that, I think, he asks Adrian how the fuck he ended up out there in the first place. E X A C T L Y. RED FLAG STORE IS GOING OUT OF BUSINESS SALE! Fuck no I'm not picking you up! Then, FOR SOME LOGICAL REASON, I'M SURE, Jack tells Adrian he'll buy him lunch or breakfast or whatever. UMMMMMMM. I'm going to stop right here to drop a maj' spoiler alert. Jack is Hatchet Man. There's a guy going around hacking people up, he calls himself, faggotily, Hatchet Man. I thought it was Eric/Adrian/Dusty the whole time. I HAD NO IDEA it was Jack. Writing this ~review~ with this knowledge makes me see the movie a little more differently, but not any more clearly. Like, 1, whhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy does Jack not kill Adrian from the start? He doesn't make any real attempt during their whole excursion, until they reach the cabin. He makes no attempt, actually. At the end, after Adrian finds out Jack is Hatchet Man, he asks him why he does it and Jack explains, beautifully, "For the fuck of it". So...I guess it's just random? But is it? I feel like there was an important reason to why he didn't try to kill Adrian, and just let him drag him along and harass him the majority of the movie. IMPORTANT GAY REASONS!

Like, Jack is crushin' on Adrian hard, right? That's why he kills the waitress who's snippy with Adrian and that's why he kills those kids Adrian was fucking in that van. Right? I feel like...this might be one of those movies where there's a ~big twist~ at the end, but when you go and watch it over again with this new-found information, it doesn't make sense. Like, the characters' actions make zero sense now that we know the truth. Now You See Me is a good recent example of this. Mark Ruffalo's entire character. It's like the writers wrote stuff specifically to throw you off track, but it entails characters coming off like they're aware they're in a movie and that they need to deceive their audience. NO.  

The title is referenced in a great scene during, I guess, the climax, when Jack and Adrian are playing cards and Adrian loses and is sore. He takes out his needle and heroin stuff to shoot up, and Jack makes some judgmental comments. At this point, Adrian does not know Jack is Hatchet Man. He says something to Jack like DRINK MOAR. Actually I think he slaps Jack's whiskey glass away when he says this. He's like really upset that Jack is coming at him for doing drugs. Then Adrian gets all up into Jack's personal space, lapsing into some intense monologue about how we're all born with a hole inside of us that we all try to fill with various substances/activities, instead of just accepting that we're empty inside and always will be. Something like that. He's saying all this, I think, to try to get Jack to see that he's not superior and to climb down off of his high horse and join his boyfriend Adrian in the pits of hell. The whole movie, Adrian would be saying similar things like this to Jack. But I never thought Jack was who he ~appeared~ to be, and I never thought he was coming from a position atop any horse. For some reason, I felt like he just made some sort of connection with Adrian and...cared about him? Is that just me projecting my love for gay shit? Like, he simply did not want his boo to hurt himself doing drug stuffs.

This monologue thing segues into Jack attacking Adrian, then tying him up to a chair and injecting him with a fatal dose of drug stuff. I can't remember what Jack said during this part, even though maybe it was important. But I do remember Adrian pleading "Please don't kill me, Jack" AND IT WAS ADORABLE. Jack watches Adrian "die" and at first seems excited (?) or pleased (?), but then covers his eyes a little and looks a bit horrified. Then he buries Adrian. POORLY, I might add. Because Adrian comes back to life and bursts free from his grave and shit. Oh my god, I'm totally blanking on how this movie ended. I think, Jack killed Adrian as Hatchet Man??? PROBABLY. The end.

What was this movie trying to say? Mid-way through I figured Jack was "the beast" the title refers to. All I needed to see were his alone moments in his motel room talking to his "mommy" and curled up sleeping with his hands between his knees, to know he wasn't a ~normal~. I figured he'd turn out to be the exact opposite. I'm so smart! EXCEPT NO, because I did not see him turning out to be Hatchet Man at. all. I never felt I had to question the fact that it was obviously Adrian. I thought that was why they were strangely drawn to one another. Adrian is a "beast" and he sees himself in Jack, a person attempting to conceal their beastness. But Eric's monologue towards the end semi-changed my mind on things, as well as with the reveal of Lance as Hatchet Man. I guess...maybe the movie is trying to offer an explanation for why murderers murder or why drug users drug use. THAT BLACK HOLE THING.

I don't know, I'm a dummy. That being said (not the right segue and also is segue even the thing that I am going for here??), I mostly really liked this mess. IMPROVEMENTS: Make this a two-person play/film only. And give me some neck kisses. There should've been WAY MORE gay shit
and WAY LESS side characters. I could have watched a 45-minute version of that scene of them in the cabin after Adrian lost the card game. 45 minutes of that and then the rest of the movie is just them being sassy-mean to each other in various seedy motel rooms while Jack is never not curled up in the fetal position with his pants off. ABRACADABRA, fixed, perfect film.

How did this movie rate on the E-Robs scale? Way closer to Star 80 then The Coca Cola Kid. Buen trabajo. (Confession: Did not fully see Coca Cola Kid. But...it was set in Australia, and E-Robs wasn't playing a fucking kangaroo so..............................................................................................)

And, maybe, coming soon, a Lance Henry scale?? STOP. But maybe. I might be into him now.



UGH. 


The Girl Who Had Everything (1953)



Everything? I don't know about all that. First of all, how the fuck old was Jean supposed to be? I assumed over 18, but her age seemed really important for me to know to be able to determine her exact standing in life and put into context how fucked up to very fucked up it was that everyone (mainly her dad + beau) kept trying to tell this bitch what (or whom) she should or should not be doing. Like, it's not as if this bitch was in college or anything to allow me some sort of time frame. If she was anything over the age of nineteen, I'm utterly disgusted. But not surprised because 1953. 

Jean has a dad. She calls him Steve. They seem to have a pretty good relationship I guess. He lets her do whatever, I guess, and he seems to be semi-monied, so Jean prob gets a cute allowance which she obviously uses to buy her super cute dresses to swish about in living her carefree ass upper-middle class richie girl lifestyle. She also has a beau: Vance. He opposes the faux-free reign Jean's dad allows her. When they're married, Vance says, "I will lock this pre-Burton days goddess up in a cage I keep in my basement and almost always have a black tarp covering it so she think it's nighttime forever and stays asleep. Asleep is the number one quality I look for in a potential life partner. And by partner, I mean the exact opposite of that word. 1953." Vance wants to get married right away, but Jean expresses hesitation. She doesn't want to settle down yet, and finds the idea of meal-planning and fucking Gig Young for the rest of her life, boring at best. Gig/Vance is all "Day to day living: that's the real excitement of life" with a straight face. Also, at the end (which we'll (who's we'll??) get to), Jean's daddy reiterates this...sentiment, like, word for word. Quite early on, the movie is attempting to make some sort of point. Which is, I think, stop wanting stuff you don't already have or that is semi-medium easy to extra-difficult to obtain. Or else you'll end up...almost marrying some dude in the mafia???

SPEAKING OF NONSENSICAL SHIT: This movie. But wait, first, let's intro Fernando Lamas. When I read the description for this movie on OnDemand I knew straight away Lamas was playing the client of William Powell's character, who is a criminal attorney. Not because I was familiar with Lamas before this film, because I wasn't really, but because his was the only ethnic-sounding name listed in the cast credits. And by ethnic, I mean not white. At least, not the right white. Vic has a mega accent, and not an okay kind like that weird mid-Atlantic one literally everyone else has. He's Latin. DANGEROUS. You can tell by how fucking high he wears his swim trunks.  

(not from the movie, but basically)

Anyway, Jean sees this swaggy nigga on television being brought up on...gambling charges? HEY, LOOK, I HAD NO IDEA THIS NOT-RICKY RICARDO ASS PIECE OF SHIT WAS IN THE MOB. Seriously, was I supposed to?! The whole time until we got to the scenes in NY I was wondering why the dad was so anti-Vic. The gambling stuff didn't seem all that serious to me. It just came off as a ~cost of doing business~ type scenario. (?????) But, APPARENTLY, the whole time, this Bolivian dungaroo is the head of some notorious crime mob. Like, seriously. And the dad knows! And doesn't say shit to his daughter about it...??????!?! He's just like: GIVE BACK THAT HORSE, YOU SLUT. 

Oh, wait, skipped some shit. So...Jean/Liz thinks Vic/Llamas is a cutie pie banana boat. Llamas, duh, thinks the same of Liz. They fuck. They keep fucking, despite very vague, super passive protests from Jean's dad and that dude she was fucking before Llamas swam up from Not-America directly into her vaginal canal. I wish this was one of those creepy movies where there's unintentionally (or secretly intentionally coughGildacough) some read between the lines incest and/or gay shit type feelings motivating a character's jealousy or disapproval. Like, if I even a little bit shipped Powell + Taylor's characters this movie would've been way more enjoyable. In the slapping scene I got zero creepy daddy-daughter vibes. I blame Powell for looking like the first Dad ever invented, or a cartoon of a human man who is also a rodent (take your pick), and also I blame weak sauce acting/writing. Everything was detached as fuck and almost pointless in execution. Why did you bother with this and why was Llamas the best part despite being all over the place and annoying me with his stupid face? Pre-Burton Liz is really beautiful, but so not my cup of tea, acting-wise. Give me bloated, braying Liz any day. Actually, she's pretty good in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof and Butterfield 8, but I still love fat Liz the best. Early 1950s Liz? No bueno. 

Where was I? This ~review~ is a mess, like my life and inside of my head and soul, but so is this movie, so...apropos. (Get help). Liz and Llamas are about to get married when Llamas' gang friends get word that Powell plans to expose all their thug-ass secrets. Llamas' plan to shut Powell up is to marry Liz immediately. The gang's plan is to murder his dumb ass. I really liked that shot with his dumb dead body in the car (SPOILER ALERT!!!!!!!!) and the traffic light thing says GO with the cars behind Llamas' car honking their horns like MOOOOOVE, DAMN! It was cliche or whatever, but whatever. I'll take what I can get. Anyway, at the end Powell + Taylor give awkward press interviews about Tony Soprano meets Gus Fring's assassination. Taylor acts really hard/bad at feigning semi-despondency about her former fiance's current dead ass state. She makes some weird comment like, "Growing up isn't easy, is it?" YEAH, I yelled at the TV, EX-MAFIA MEMBER/FIANCE MURDERED IN COLD BLOOD: GROWING PAINS. Yes, I yell at the TV. No, the people inside it can't hear me. Yes, I have to remind myself of this often. No, I don't like fucking fruit in my yogurt. It's disgusting - stop it. Also at the end, as I said earlier, Powell's character reiterates the line Gig Young said about how daily routine is what living is all about. Which is extremely depressing. But, also, is that this movie's message? Why go about illustrating it in this way? It's so extreme to have it end in a drive-by mafia hit. Are you trying to super-scare all the regular people at home watching into complacency? Oh, boy, best not stray too far from the path oft traveled less I meet some "mongrel" like Llamas and...well, nothing will happen to me, directly, but my exotic boytoy will def get murdered. Which, I don't know, doesn't really sound all that bad now that I think about it. Elizabeth Taylor seems fine. I'll just get another Latin Lover. This time he will be Cuban. Or, dare I say it, Mexican. However, I will not be able to tell the difference. (-imagined thought process of audience members from 1953-2014)

Closing note on this mess: I definitely felt like people hated Llamas because he was foreign. Powell's character def called him a mongrel, like for real, to his face. He said some other shit, too, that seemed a little...anti-Latin swag. But then they revealed Llamas was in the mob and I had to roll my eyes at the movie attempting to override their previous racism while coming off more racist in the process. Good job; just kidding. I don't think I actually understand what the fuck the purpose of a closing note is, but it almost certainly wasn't this. Like, did I just posit a legitimate topic of concern, that could have had a full-length essay written about it, in like two sentences at the end of a long ass ramblethon full of nothingness??? Good job just kidding part deux. Part dos for any of you mongrels reading. 


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

EW did a "The 25 Best Characters on TV Right Now" thing.

Entertainment Weekly annoys me, like most things, a lot. Usually they're really basic with their lame ass celebrity profiles (Jessica Alba, ever???????) and assessments of shit. And forever late to the party, or too early to the wrong one. But sometimes they get shit right, or at least do something a little bit interesting. Both of those things are semi going on here with this list mess. I haven't seen probably like half the shows whose characters they've written about (Frank Underwood from House of Cards, Mellie Grant from Scandal, etc), so I thought I'd just talk about the characters they picked from shows I do. Literally for no reason. Well, maybe to stave off the inevitable. I'M NOT UNFAITHFUL BUT I'LL STRAY. I'm listening to Tegan and Sara right now as I'm typing this. I still can't tell the two apart. I think Tegan is the one who's in the front a lot and Sara is the one who is in the back a little usually?????? (Fun fact: I ~discovered~ Tegan and Sara while watching that shitty/sort of okay sometimes one-season disaster HBO show Tell Me You Love Me. No one watched that except for me. Guaranteed I am the only person on this planet of not-Jupiter to have watched that show when it aired. Anyway, there was a Tegan and Sara song on that shit one episode. "The Con", I think. So thanks weird awful show for introducing me to my fave lesbian twins. Twins are really creepy. THEY ARE THE SAME PERSON BUT TWO.)

Um, anyway. EW created weird categories to slot the characters in, probably trying to avoid a numbered ranking system and pissing off their readers who are now going to get pissed off because there wasn't a numbered ranking. Ah, here we go. Oh my god remember Cousin Skeeter? *shudders*


-Best Politician in a Comedy: Selina Meyer, Veep




I love Veep. It's funny as hell. I ignored its existence for a while, then decided to ~binge watch~ the first two seasons and became happily hooked. Julia Louis-Dreyfus is just funny. No tryhardiness. She just turns her head or takes a step forward and I'm dead. Great comedienne. I feel like Jerry Lewis or some shit genuinely using the word "comedienne". Now on to me deciding if Selina is my favesies out of all the cast. I think...this is a real ensemble cast for me. Anytime someone gets fired or has their job threatened on the show, I get scared. I don't want anyone to leave. Like, at one point I thought they were going to get rid of Jonah. DEVASTATED. Or Dan. NOO. I can't pick a favorite. But keep Gary Cole forever please thank you.


-Best Love Junkie: Mindy Lahiri, The Mindy Project 




Mindy is probably my fave comedy on TV right now. Which is tough to proclaim because Comedy Central is really killing it with at least five series I'm currently in love with. Really in love with. But Mindy is like event TV for me at this point. Not even just because of Mindy + Danny's loveship. But also because Morgan, Peter, RayRon and Tamra exist. And those guest stars (Tim Daly, hoo boy). And also just because of Mindy. She has me in death stitches on this show every episode. She's a mess in a colorful dress (*sound of me roundhouse kicking myself to death*) and I love her like the HIV/AIDS virus loves condom-free sex. Team latex allergies!


-Best Straight Man: Capt. Ray Holt, Brooklyn 99




My boo. Star of the show. A pretty pretty princess. Should have received that Globes nom over Samberg. I think he got an Emmy nom, though, so that's what's fucking up. So doubly amped for season deux. More scenes with him and his husband and him and anyone and him and just him. What if this show was just Ray sitting in his office reading papers on his desk but the camera never shows us what they say and there's no voiceover narrating the contents? #sixseasonsandamovie. Is it okay for me to reference that Community thing even though I stopped watching the show past season 3?? What are you gonna do? *snooty American Girl voice* Call the police? 


-Best Adman: Roger Sterling, Mad Men 




That would be Peggy. Or Pete. OR GINSBERG. Oh, god. Have you seen the trailers for that new show Ben Feldman is going to be on in the fall? For whyyyy? I hate being a fan of actors like him. This is going to be Rami Malek all over again. Now I'm trapped. I love you and you will never have a really good role ever again. Oh god I just remembered Aaron Paul. Jesus hates me. Dumb, long haired cuntress.


-Best Dad: Phil Dunphy, Modern Family





If it doesn't eventually turn out that Phil molested one of those kids I'll be really surprised.


-Best Dude: Adam, Girls




Danielle Nussbaum says, "The show is called Girls, but the most three-dimensional, relatable, lovable character is a guy." Yeaaaaaaaaaah. Yup. That's a problem. And I don't think it's the audience's fault for just defaulting to that ~man is king~ setting like all the plebs who incorrectly watch Mad Men or Breaking Bad. It's just how the characters are written. And, played. *Pointed tone and look* I love Girls, but no "girl" on the show is ~lovable~. Nowhere. Near. Of course, they don't have to be. Sex and the City, after all, was a wildly popular show. But no guy on that show ever trumped any of the women, in terms of dimensions. Adam is so fully fleshed and then you have Jessa the flaky party girl. Marnie, "Marnie". Hannah, the lost one, and Shoshanna, 25% of the other girls plus 25% blueberry red bull. And she is perpetually 1-D. This show is a mess. That being said, I really love Adam. So I'm glad this show exists for him to keep existing. Two thumbs still attached to your joints!!


-Best Clone: Alison, Orphan Black




Yes. My two favorite clones are Alison and Helena. It's a close race, but Alison wins for just having a few more layers. Helena is a cage animal thing who eats a lot. Alison actually has some human-like qualities to relate to. She's really funny and has an impeccable sassy attitude. And I love her stick up the butt walk. WAS TATIANA MASLANY SERIOUSLY SNUBBED FOR AN EMMY???? This is why I don't watch the Emmys. Worthless. Do these idiots even watch TV? And no nom for Emmy Rossum either? Bunch of dummies. Also, I hate musical fucking numbers. Don't. do. that. shit.


-Best Time-Traveler: Ichabod Crane, Sleepy Hollow




Baby girrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrl. I watch Sleepy Hollow mainly for Ichabod and Abbie's fauxmancetionship. They're friends, but, like, tighter than that. They're bonded by a common cause. And also likely related somehow (FINGERS CROSSED, MY BROTHER). But def Ichabod is the best. I love watching him operate modern day technology utilizing his old timey brain knowledge. This show is basically a gothic-er version of another one of my fave kinda buddy cop shows, Elementary. Ichabod is basically Sherlock in Civil War garb. And Abbie is so a Joan.

Me: Papa?
Papa: Hmm, yes, son?
Me: When will I be alive nevermore?
Papa: Tuberculosis
Me: *dies immediately*


-Best BFF: Ilana, Broad City 



If I had to choose between Abbi and Ilana I'd choose their illegal alien friend Jaime. Runner up, yeah, is Ilana. Almost as pretty a princess as Ray Holt. I need to know so much more about Ilana's inner life. What's happening there and, if so, does it hurt? Also I need more scenes of her at work. Was she fired? Doesn't matter, do another job for her to completely fuck up in all the best ways. Also I just remembered I need a thousand more episodes of Little Horribles. Let's end this with me just being like, in a too-loud American Girl voice: Ilana's hair! Like, shouting in Forever21 over t-shirts that have the Rolling Stones lips on them but no mention of the band's name. Can you tell the last time I went to Forever21 it was like 2006 and also a Hot Topic?


-Best (S)mother: Norma Bates, Bates Motel 




You betcha! To be honest, Norma could be smothering way more than she is. Norman is allowed way too much freedom, in my opinion. Hopefully that gets corrected in seaz 3. I always refer to a semi-random Italian movie from the seventies called La Luna when discussing matters such as these (to myself, in the dark). In order to keep her son from doing drugs, the mother character in the film begins giving her baby boy handy jays and the like. He's not an actual baby boy, to be clear. He's a teen. But also to be clear, SHE IS HIS MOM. Also I think her trying to distract him with a sexual relationship doesn't even work. I don't remember. CAN TOTALLY NORMAL AND HIS MOMMY GET TO THE BUSINESS ALDAMNREADY??? Can she attempt to blow him at least and he kicks her head away or something UHMAZING like that??? Vera would play the shit out of that scene. Lord have mercy. Please get rid of all the extra ass sideline stories. NO ONE CARES ABOUT ANYONE ELSE ON THIS SHOW EXCEPT FOR THE TWO FREAKS THAT PSYCHO WAS ORIGINALLY ABOUT! Merci.


-Best Fool: Louie, Louie



I don't see Louie as a fool just because he puts himself into humiliating situations. It's self-awareness, which is decidedly anti-fool. Though I guess I'm thinking more about Louie the comedian instead of Louie the character, who can be quite the buffoon. But a fool to me is more a George Costanza-type. Who's George on TV right now? Donald Draper. I don't know how to play this game. But I'm just so happy Louie cast Jeremy Renner on his show this season and also that he did all the things he did on the show when Jeremy wasn't around distracting me from him. Great job! Both thumbs still intact within joints and slowly creaking upwards. P.S. NVR4GT like that twentysomething version of Louie. The guy who played him captured all his tics and mannerisms and his laugh omg it was HEAVENLY. Stoppppppp


-Best Slacker: Erlich, Silicon Valley




Hands down my favorite. He just gets the best lines. Or says them. Is this show sort of improvised or mostly written? Doesn't matter, it has renewed my definitely questionable love for TJ Miller, which inexplicably popped up after seeing the unremarkable Jason Bateman vehicle (redundant) Extract. I love you, Jason. And TJ...mas or menos.

Why did I do any of this? Also, I realized I don't watch as much TV as I think I do, but also I watch wayyyy too much because while writing this I started thinking about making my own 25 best characters list. Because I could do that, with 25 whole new categories and characters up here from like 25 completely different shows. If I had a life, believe me, I'd fucking end it right now. In short, I really need to fucking finally get around to watching Sherlock. It seriously seems like my dream show.

ALSO, HELLO, DOES NO ONE FUCKING WATCH RECTIFY? TALK ABOUT THAT SHIT NOW!

Look at sad little Daniel


CARE!!!!




Does no one reallyreally love Anna Karenina?

The newest version directed by Joe Wright and starring Keira Knightley?


I feel like no one likes this shit. I go on the imdb message boards (...........................) and read all this garbage about "wah, I don't like how there's a stage" or "bleh bleh Vronsky looks dumb". The complaints are so trivial. You don't like Aaron Taylor-Johnson as a blonde? Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay what do his crunchy ass blonde ringlets have to do with the story? Is that really affecting how you're absorbing the narrative being presented onscreen?? And I can't even deal with individuals complaining about how the movie is staged like a play. It's different. Had they done a straight-forward by the numbers adaptation you'd be complaining about lack of creativity and wondering why they even bothered. I, for one, love the way they filmed this. I love the staged shit and I looooooooooove how all kinds of random shit is just choreographed. Like there's this scene at a party and Anna and Vronsky are just talking but all their movements are made to look like a dance. The majority of the movie is like this and I thought it really captured the overdramatic mood of the material. AND WAS COOL TO LOOK AT, which is more than enough reason to be doing some shit.

I also really loved Levin. Domhnall Gleeson was super fascinating to watch. I was really into his face and ultra-gingeryness. I only read about 90 pages of Anna Karenina the book, so I was only really familiar with Levin going in to the movie. When I was - painfully - forcing myself through the novel, any Levin appearance instantly excited me. Like, yes, we're focusing on Levin again!! I love how I needed something to brighten me up after only reading ninety pages. Anywhoo! I really cared about Levin. But in the book, it seems like Levin's love for Kitty is pathetic/delusional. In the movie, it's played like Kitty just has some maturing to do before she can realize her love for him. While reading the book I felt like it was going to turn out that Levin ends up ~forever alone~ because I was really getting the impression that Kitty was just not that into him at all in any way. I should really force myself to finish the book. Is that why I love this movie and everyone hates it? Are all ~the haters~ just people with intact enough attention spans to make it through that thick ass book? And then they get to the movie and it's nothing like anything they read in that thick ass book??

Adding to the fact that I have yet to finish reading the source material (~pretending that I actually plan on someday doing this), I've also never seen any other movie adaptation. So I went into this one fresh as fuck. After my first viewing, I wasn't sure how I felt. I was only solid on the fact that I was a new Domhnall Gleeson fan. And that I really loved that block letter conversation scene thing. After my second viewing, which I sat through enraptured and shit, I was certain I loved this movie.

WHY?

Well I already mentioned the ~cool~ choreography and LEVIN. I also thought Keira brought it as Anna K, a character I only became vaguely familiar with in my attempt to read that cinderblock sized ass "novel". Novel is def not the word to use here, mi amigo. And to think I won that Scholastic Book Award thing for reading a whole lot like a damn ass geek in 5th grade. All those free Domino's personal pan pizzas were for naught. Anyway, Keira was great. OTT, but definitely necessary for the material, character, and tone of the film. I don't want some plain-faced Australian bitch coming up in here to tastefully underplay anything. Give me Keira and that face and all that tight ass corset period drama realness (ugh). Also, who was I just coming for with "plain-faced Australian bitch"? Secretly, Mia. But I love Mia. Why am I throwing shade? (blehblach). I wonder if Mia reads this popular blog. I loved Stoker, Mimi. Even though I have no real idea why. No, yes I do. So many shameful reasons I refuse to talk about right now. Later. It deserves it's own special Matthew Goode sodomized post.

AARON AS VRONSKY. Based on my super brief ventures into the musty library pages of The Book That Shall Not Be Named, I decided Vronsky looked like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast. He's probably not even described anything like that in the book, but these are Russians. No way does any Russian soldier nigga look anything like pussy ass Aaron Taylor-Johnson with that bleached ass Mexican toddler 'stache.


That being said, I was into it. I thought he was hot, and I completely understood why Anna would be eagle spreading all over town for this dude, showing out at public events and shit basically securing the loss of her child in any definitely impending custody battle. Even today that type of behavior would probably get your kid snatched happily away from you. Like, eugh, Anna, are you shouting out your lover's name at a horse race thing because he fell off his unicorn? How gauche. Save that shit for beddy time when Karenin takes out his creepy reusable condom and you need more in your weapon arsenal than a simple horrified recoil. 

Speaking of creepy, horror, and recoil: Judith Law, everyone. I love gross JLaw the First. Jude and the best thing in that mess Contagion Law. Jude creepy rat freak and the best thing in Road to Perdition which was already pretty good but he made it sort of great Law. Jude in the trailer for Dom Hemingway which I have yet to see but he looks really gross so it must be amazing Law. Ew, seriously though, Judith was definitely the first JLaw. How has he not sued for the rights to the lazy name journalists can use when writing about his latest accidentally borned out of wedlock child???? Anyway, Jude was gross here. Every time he pulled out that condom I felt millions of my ovary egg things popping like popcorn (like how popcorn does) in the microwave that is my uterus due to years of putting a laptop exclusively over that area and also never sitting up straight, so...there's just a lot of intense crotchal heat going on down there at all times. Judith was great! I hope he sticks to all ugly roles from now on until his death in nine years (called it!). 

Did I accomplish making a point with this post? Probably not. I usually don't. This shit is all over the place. Sort of like this movie that I am really into and I don't get why a whole bunch of other idiots aren't too. So I needed to write a shitty long rambly ass post about my frustrations with everyone and their dumb mom not agreeing with me. Definitely, though, if a tree falls and no one is around to hear it it does make a sound. Because 1, there are still birds around and shit. They can hear, dummy. And 2, sound doesn't exist only in our heads. Like, it's vibrations and stuff. It doesn't come alive only when ears are around to pick it up or whatever. What a dumb fucking question that's probably actually not really a question but like a metaphor or an allegory or some shit. No one reads this blog. I know who shot JFK. KFC. Initials too similar. Only room for one. 






Tuesday, August 12, 2014

I finally saw Gravity,

here's my fucking review.

I feel like there were a lot of cliches. Sandra Bullock's backstory with the dead daughter and like the whole time I'm wondering who the father is; Clooney's jokey demeanor - speaking of Clooney's jokey demeanor. Who makes jokes in space? It's, like, terrifying to be in space, just in general, but then the BIG TERRIBLE happens and he's cracking about how hot he is or some shit. And him - or, a--the mirage of him returning to motivate Sandra to figure out how to get back to Earth. Blech. That being said, when he showed up I got uncomfortably optimistic, because it definitely looked like Sandra was going to die. Other cliche things were...just all the dialogue. All the words, mostly. But...I definitely cared about Sandra's character and her weird pixie wig. And the ending was pretty good with the crash back to Earth and her trying to surface but her suit was too heavy. All that was pretty nerve-wracking and intense. Well, the whole movie was, so that was done really well. Though I do wonder how the fuck she's going to get back to Lake Zurich or wherever. Maybe that's the opposite of "the point" probably. The credits came on way too fast...

Eh. I think ultimately, overall, I don't give a shit. Sci-fi stuff is typically difficult for me to get into. It's a corny genre to me. And usually shit people love like The Matrix, I hate vehemently. But shit that a lot of people dislike like Prometheus, I love. It's all about the cast for me. I don't care about space and shit. But if Tom Hardy is going to Jupiter to fuck an alien ~for research~, count me in. The cast has to be on-point or I can't connect. I am not a fan of anyone in The Matrix as actors. I like Keanu the celebrity, but not Keanu "I am trying to act here" Reeves. Stop. Gravity has Sandra and Clooney. I like Sandra enough, but I do not seek out her films. And this is not some shitty romcom, a genre I semi-love. You need to step your game up with this geek shit. I think I read either Marion Cotillard or Angelina Jolie was up for Sandra's part and they passed. Dear God, if Marion was in this shit this would probably be my favorite movie right now. Alas, her beautiful French ass is not. And Clooney? Ugh, over it. Replace him with nearly anyone else. Except for Joe Pantoliano, whom I dislike and who secured my violent distaste for The Matrix. Like, yeah okay, no-acting ass Keanu and questionable face ass Laurence Fishburne are here. FINE. But then you have Joe Pantoliano show up? No, fuck this. Fuck this movie. And recast Gravity with Marion and literally anyone else except for Joe PantoliaNO, amirite? Ugh.

I'm still waiting for my perfect space movie. Please don't force me to choose Moon. I refuse to submit to Kevin Spacey. I won't accept him as someone who exists. Even if it's just in voice form. Cannot and will not. Do better.

The Night of the Grizzly (1966)



To start, I watched this "film" in ~real time~. I rarely watch shit that I can't pause so I can go take a dump or get a bowl of faux-healthy trail mix with fucking m&ms in it. But I was scrolling through the TV menu thing when I happened upon the title for this movie. Then I read the description. All I saw was BEAR ATTACKS flashing across my dummy brain like I was having a strobe lights induced stroke. I don't even know if "bear attacks" was a phrase mentioned in the film summary. But it must've been, or else I would have had no interest in this shit at all whatsoever. I had to watch this movie now. (Or, then. Immediately.) Mistake.

First of all, the movie is shit. Second, I had to dook 3/4ths through. But I couldn't pause the movie. I don't like not completing an entire film, so I held it. Until it started turtling out and I had to give up and go unleash the dragon. So I missed like five minutes. From the bathroom, I could hear quite a bit of commotion going on from the TV in my room. When I returned to the movie SOMEONE was lying face-down in the fucking river. Dead, presumably. I assumed it was Cass. BUT THEN CASS SHOWS UP A FEW MINUTES LATER ALIVE AS FUCK. What did I miss?! Actually, it doesn't matter. I did not like this shit one dick damn bit.

What I did like:

-The little girl.

Just to be extra fucking creepy, she was basically the only thing I liked. Like genuinely, instead of ironically or sarcastically or accidentally. I just straight up thought she was cute and funny. More her, less everyone else.

-That guy's face. Tad. TAD. Bang ass face.

(I couldn't find a pic of him from the movie but hoo boy)

And let's talk about how "the niece" chose that fucking Eddie Fisher lookin' ass one over the drink-spiking goddess you see above^. His name should have been CHIP, all caps, he was that cute. Tad was a pretty spot-on enough name, though. And, yeah, this polished piece of shit definitely spiked "Niece's" drink. Like, openly in front of her I think. Superman-handsome AND a potential rapist? PERFECT CATCH. I wish this movie was about a killer salmon or something so that could've been really funny. (No.) Oh, and speaking of THADDEUS spiking ol girl's drink: WHAT WAS HER REACTION?


What a country mouse little bitch. No, actually, she was on a whole other level of stupidity. Like, hi, guys, I'm an alien disguised in human skin stupidity. But only in a world where aliens are dumber than humans. So, in a movie made in the sixties. Purrrrrrrrrrfect. I'm being Eartha Kitt right now, to go with the theme of the prom in all eighties movies. Which is the sixties. Or, late-fifties. Stop being nostalgic for worse times, all movies.

I'm still talking about stuff I liked...about this movie...remember? Ugh

-Making fun of Wilhelmina aka "Billy" aka Sad Woman, which is what I nicknamed her, and is most fitting. She worked in the town's one shitty store and had an inexplicably rabid crush on Obvious Bum. I don't remember his insignificant name, but he was a clear alcoholic. Like, baby girl, get a grip. He'd be living on the fucking streets if it weren't for Barrel Chest letting him (again, inexplicably) tag along. That sad woman was desperate as fuck. Def, this was supposed to be played for laughs, but by the end it started to get a little disturbing. And then Obvious Bum is attacked by the goddamn normal-acting grizzly bear AND DIES. "Billy" didn't even get to fulfill her sad ass, pathetic fantasies. Awkward as hell how this movie tried to end on a happy note. But fitting for Wilhelmina's relentlessly shitty existence. Oh your boo died? HAHA MOVIE OVER!!!!!!!!!


There were a lot of things about this movie not to like, so let's do that now.

1. It was a Western. What is this - 1873? No? So...then...what are you doing? And it's like the least interesting time/setting of history. Oh, Jim needs to buy some livestock? HOW FUCKING INTERESTING. Is Angela brushing her long ass weave strands because back then everyone's hair was super long and I guess they had brushes and shit?! Whoo, boy, THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT! Fuck Westerns unless Robert Ryan is playing a villain or it's called Jubal. Jubal was weird, so I'll make an exception for it. Also, it's called Jubal.

2. The main dude. Jim.

Put your dang shirt on. Holy shit, is that a paisley pattern? Is that blue velour? Never mind, take it back off. Wait, no. Ugh, god. Loosen your belt. It's too tight. EXHALE. BREATHE, you clump of dung! HATED HIM! And not just his awkwardly manly appearance. He was a cunt. He was forever ignoring his wife and he made his daughter sit outside at the table all by herself just because she smelled like skunk which he was definitely frontin' about because I'm sure everything back then smelled like skunk and I never saw nary a one of them niggas showering. AND I DIDN'T LIKE HIS SHITTY PANTS. So, fuck him.

What else? What else? Well, I watched this movie because I thought there would be some sweet bear attacks. But the problem with older movies is their lack of special effects (Did I seriously just write that?). Anyway, they just used awkward footage of a real bear roaming around and spliced it into scenes with the human idiots. I mean, it looked like during the attacks the humans were really interacting with the bear, so maybe they were, but...they couldn't show any really grizzly shit, which - (no pun intended) - is what I wanted. Like when Obvious Bum is attacked they just show like shadows of the bear--actually, I wasn't paying attention when this happened because at this point I wanted to be dead either via bear attack or other equally painful-seeming means. Was I really expecting quote sweet bear attacks end quote? Like, this movie was made in the sixties and not by anyone affiliated with those piece of shits on Syfy.

I think I'm an idiot.

Shrug. At least I'm not Wilhelmina. Ugh, who am I kidding - I wish.