This was my second time watching Smokin' Aces. The first time was like five years ago on one of those illegal sites. Or maybe it was youtube, actually? Because whole scenes were censored out. Rewatching it, I realized they cut out that scene with all the prostitutes in Jeremy Piven's hotel suite. I'm so glad...I got to...see the uncensored version of that scene finally. I feel...complete, whole.
Anyway, despite the movie being censored that first time, I quite enjoyed myself. But this was when I was deep in the throes of a Chris Pine thing, and also I had a little bit of a Jeremy Piven thing???? I basically care mostly nothing about either of those dudes now, so rewatching this was not as fun. Also I feel like the censored bits from my first showing gave the movie a sort of ~mysterious~ edge. For almost five minutes there is only a blank black screen in that version with Jeremy Piven in the background yelling at the top of his lungs for someone to clean cum off his jacket or something? It was so, like, avant garde, you know? A very James Franco playing a character named Franco on a soap opera who is an artist but also maybe a murderer version of ART.
Double anyway, I'm about to just talk about the various performances in the film because what plot? Something about a magician and idk Whitey Bulger maybe and a mildly retarded and/or autistic boy doing karate chops with a boner? Also: neo-Nazis!! Alright.
-Ryan Reynolds: I still lowkey love Ryan Reynolds despite...pretty much everything about him. His teeth, Green Lantern, Blake Lively, whatever about him that causes Sandra Bullock to consistently pay his ass dust, etcetera times a fucking million.
Here, he plays...lol, a cop? Oh, no, an FBI agent? Sure! He had scenes with Ray Liotta and they're pretty okay. What I love is Ryan's scenes at the end with him getting in Andy what the fuck accent is that Garcia's face. Lol and then him pulling the plug on the machines and using those contacts he wore in The Amityville Horror that make his eyes all bloodshot. Why do ppl keep asking where Leo's Oscar is but no one ever asks where Ryan's MTV Movie Award is? RUDE!
-Ray Liotta: I still to this day do not understand why I care about Ray Liotta. Is it his weird, moon-surface skin? His permanent eyeliner against light eyes that sort of make his face look like a Halloween mask? His distinct voice that he uses to play basically the same character in every film? How he'll be an FBI agent in this and a mob dude in Killing Them Softly and it's exactly the same thing?? haha I don't know! But I'm def into him and I'll def/maybe be watching Shades of Blue when that mess comes out? Sigh, they always get me. I'll never be president :/
-Jeremy Piven: One time I read some magazine write-up done on Jeremy where the interviewer was like definitely making fun of him. I mean, I guess interviewers are always lowkey shading their subjects, but Jeremy is so ridiculous that the writer couldn't even be subtle with his shit. He was talking about how Jeremy loves to cry and always asked for dramatic scenes on Entourage. Lol omg remember Chasing Liberty, Jeremy? Because I do.
Here, Jeremy is playing one of those Vegas magicians. Basically he's Jesse Eisenberg from Now You See Me, pretty much. Or...Steve Carell from that other "comedy" about freak Vegas ~~magicians~~? Sure! Jeremy's character also happens to be the son of some mob dude. Okay. Great? Anyway, he yells a lot and wears a disgusting toupée wig and it's just classic J Piv. Can't wait for Entourage 2, baby girl.
-Common: I care about Common in none of the venues in which he operates. His music, acting, modeling as the face of some off-brand "freckle enhancing" cream (we know those are fake, Common!) - I just do not care. And I don't think he wants people to care. I mean, his name is Common. Why didn't your mother just call you So-so? Like.
How was he here? Idk, he could've been replaced by Ludacris or some other corny, lightskin wordsmith, and it would've been the same thing. Actually, no, if Ludacris would've played this I would've been super-distracted by his nostrils and slightly worser acting than Common's. Also did he still have cornrows during the time Smokin' Aces was being filmed? Jesus, no, Common was actually the better choice. The cream of the crop of mediocre lightskin rapper slash etceteras. Sigh, what am I doing?
-Joel Edgerton: J Edge is my fave Aussie fatty. Is he even fat, or just, like, stocky? He's a thickum, and I love it. Is this the only reason I love J Edge? No. He's like a good actor and stuff. He has a Russian accent here! And a weird mole! He totally showed up Piven's bloodshot contacts; 100% decimated him. Aw, poor baby. #entourage3000
-Taraji P. Henson: I love Taraji. Is she enough to make me love this messy movie, or continue to watch Empire, a show that thinks making Becky G keep happening is ohkay? Nope. But I definitely pretty much love her, and of course she was a scene stealer here. The best one? Hmmm, let's--nah, that was def karate boy. But Taraji turned up pretty good here as a deleted character from Set It Off. But miss me with her character being the predatory cunt snatcher. Miscast city if you also got Alicia Keys on the roster, come on now!!
-Ben Affleck: No lips, try hardy pre-Batman voice, and I think he was wearing a brown leather jacket with a matching leather newsboy cap? Wtf, NEXT!!
-Pete Berg: idk
-That Dude From The Ring: He lost...a finger?
-Andy Garcia: I have an...Andy Garcia Thing. It feels mostly okay, but not really. He's been around for a while so at least there's that illusion that he's a respected actor and maybe it's okay to have a thing for him. It feels more okay than it did to have a X Pine thing, and especially to have a Jeremy Piven thing. No matter how long Jeremy Piven works, he will never be respected. No one will ever forget Chasing Liberty, Jeremy, or that you used to be "John Cusack and friend" - ever. #entourage4: johnny drama's breast cancer scare
Hmmm, so anyway!! I still can't figure out what accent Andy Garcia is ever fucking doing, and that shit was especially awkward when he was getting in that yelling match with Blake Lively's husband and kept shouting "Don't put your finger in my face!" or something just as ridiculous :) Was that scene supposed to be hilarious? Also was Andy trying to mask his accent for this role? Alsoalso what accent was he trying to mask? Like where is this Italian-looking mofo even from? Alsoalaoslalsoso how the eff was he sittin' up here playing a meatball sub in The Godfather 3: Secretly Lowkey The Best One, when he is actually a hispanic sort? Is he Cuban? Fine. If he's Cuban, then fine, excused. But if he's not...still fine, because Italians and the hispanic sort are basically the same to me and everyone needs to stop trippin'.
-Hispanic Anthony Perkins, or Nestor Carbonell I guess: I'm sad I stopped watching the unintentional/intentional travesty that is Bates Motel. That's like the only medium in which I can access ol' boy Nestor. Nestor's permanent eyeliner is like, so much better and less disturbing than Ray Liotta's. Ray fucking wishes. Wait, did I say less-disturbing, as if I'm forgetting that time he was on Strong Medicine and I think he was playing a ~good guy~ but the whole time I thought he was a rapist? Which is not me being racist, as I do not even fucking know what his ethnicity is. Nestor, write to me and tell me your lineage. Like I couldn't even figure that shit in the movie. At first I thought you were arab but then...you were speaking en español and so I guess you were--Like, actually I think at one point you referred to yourself as the Mexican devil? Or did you just say devil and my brain affixed "mexican" to that? Anyway, if I am racist, it's softcore. Also I'm black, so it's fine, and I can't even watch Dora the Explorer anymore because it's clearly stereotyping and that makes me, like any true non-racist, uncomfortable. Why don't Dora's clothes fit? Mess.
-Alicia Keys: Mmm I think I already went in on this husky-voiced bih, next.
-Karate Boy/"Warren": The actor's name is Zach Comer. Cum on. The boy was intriguing, tho. Definitely a break-out role. But he can never compete with that "PANCAAAAAKESSS!!" kid from Cabin Fever, so I'm gonna need all child actors who are not that pancakes kid from Cabin Fever to permanently fucking chill and stop thinking they're doing something. They are not the "panccaakkkees!!" kid from Cabin Fever, and they never will be.
-Tommy Flanagan: Idk, what's up with this dude's scar? Lol, he's just inherently interesting because he has one of those credit card mouth slices? YES, I SAW GREEN STREET HOOLIGANS! ...Unfortunately.
-Chris Pine: Another white boy jughead. I got over him after I saw the second Star Trek movie and it was so awful I was ashamed of myself for having even seen the first. But he's hot here as like a white trash neo-Nazi??? Ugh also he had funny moments? Like when he was using Ben Affleck as a puppet, or the end when he was talking to that dude whose finger he shot off? Sigh, secretly was Chris Pine the best part? Ugh I hate when I get reminded why I liked him. I rehabbed and cleansed him from my system!! I just need to not watch anything that he was in pre-2010. Also, maybe watch that white ass movie People Like Us every day to just...keep myself sober. Just remind myself not why I loved him, but why I chose to detox this cavebrah from my system in the first place. Come on, you, believe in us!!
-Jason Bateman: I'll never not love Jason Bateman. Annnnnd in two seconds some weird scandal comes out about him that will force me to have complicated feelings. Sigh, I hope it involves Will Arnett.
-Matthew Fox: Girl...
-Curtis Armstrong: Snot from American Dad, turn uppp!! New episodes of American Dad on TBS starting January 25 turn theeee frick up^^^!!!!!
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