GLOBES LIVEBLOG '16

I barely know any of the nominees tonight, but I am READY. The globes are exciting because all the "stars" get drunk and then they get up onstage and say weird shit. Also dumb, bad things are nominated a lot because the Hollywood Foreign Press are a bunch of star fuckers, so shit like The Tourist will get mad noms just so Angelina and Famous Native American Movie Star Johnny Depp will show up. Again, I have no real concept of who is actually nominated this year, but I've heard some rumblings. Like--OMG DENZEL IS ON THE RED CARPET RIGHT NOW. Sigh, look at me. Really sittin up here tryna talk shit. Oooh Mel Cart looks good. Turnupturnup!! Someone kill me tho haha!! 

...Eva Longoria was "snapchatting in the Dubai desert"? Girl...

"That great movie The Big Short"? Lol okay. 

This Today show crew is dry as fuck 

OKAY TURN UP TIME!!!! ugh

73rd. 7 + 3 = 10 = 1+ 0 = 1. One is the lucky number for tonight turn up!!! 

Mmm shots fired @ Rita Wilson :/

Are ppl seriously laughing at this Caitlyn Jenner killed ppl with her car joke??? I see you Cate Blanchett <.<

Omg the camera panned to Weinstein. Everyone is a piece of shit :')

YAAAASSSSS SHOTS FIRED AT ROMANNNN POLANSKIIIIIIIIIII YAAASSSSSSS!NFNINFIGMIFNFNJNDJNJFDFD V IT'S SO FUCKING AWKWARD I LOVVVVVVEEEEEEEE ITTTTTTTT

"Then again so was Schindler's List" *sips beer* "It was just a film". Ricky, girl, the Holocaust actually happened lol omg

Why is Jamie Foxx sitting next to Denzel and fam? Also, why can I count all famous black actors on like one hand?????? 

This bear from The Revenant "joke". Chile....................................... BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT THAT BEAR, THOUGH? It should honestly be up there in place of Jonah and now I'm upset. 

Ooooh Jane Fonda so prettttttyyy JENNIFER JASON LEIGH OMG HELEN MIRREN WHAT IS THIS CATEGORY ohh Alicia Vikander don't care lol 

Kate Winslet still exists, and apparently so does...this Steve Jobs movie. Do I need to see this? *cries* I don't want to!! Omg why was her RocknRoll husband clapping like that? Smh, I love that Kate is ratchet she married a nigga whose last name is RocknRoll STOPPPPPPPP!!!

*Helen Mirren face* girl, me too. 

*Fassy's teeth*

Get off his dick, Kate, damn it's awkward DAMNNNN!!

Lol Kate stay doin too much no one even cared about this movie omffggggggggg

OOooh J. Lo looks cuuuuuutttee

Uzo!!! Yas Regina King and Judith Light? OHKAY shit I need to watch seas2 of The Affair. This bitch just won? Hmmm now I really need to watch this. Lol yeah, okay, it's probably a mess. OMG I SEE BENNY MENDY!!! This acceptance speech is hella awkward but Maura seems cute idk but please get off stage oh. my. god

I can't believe Andy Samberg is still alive I'm so upset #freejoanna

Who is that hot dude next to Lily Tomlin? Not her nigga, right? She's definitely a cunt snatcher, correct??? And that nigga is free orrr?????? #desperation2k16

This Crazy Ex-Gf show looks annoying, and omg @ this Rachel Bloom, whooooo girl. I AM SCREAM ING AT THAT BITCH WHO STOOD UP TO CLAP AND THEN TOOK OFF HER GLASSES TO LOOK SEXIER GURRRRRRRRLLRLRLRLRLRLRLLLLRLRLRLLRLRLRLLLLLLLLLLLL

*Terrence's punk ass voice* Tarajiiiiii!!

Wait. J Schwartz is on that Mozart show? I mean I already cared because of Gael BUT JSCHWARTZ, TOO??!?!?!?!? It's about that time I steal two or three days of Amazon Prime before they realize my card isn't good again!!!! OMG GAEL IS UP THERE JABJBUNFOIFIEFIONJFNKELK ELK K

Wait, are Coconut Records in the studio again??? YAAAASSS LET'S GOOOOO!!!

VIOLA YES. Ugh, I want to die what am I doing lol 

"Lemme get a McPick two" *throws up deuces*. I swear to gawd this was me yesterday. I ordered a mcdouble and some dry ass mozzarella sticks smh there were only three BUT I GOT MY LIFE, THO

This Batman Superman movie looks absolutely tragic. It's almost incomprehensible but at the same time not really. It would only be shocking it if looked good. Sigh, I wish Tom Hardy was the new batman. Sigh, I wish Tom Hardy was just in all the movies and played all the characters sigh. Life is truly a travesty :(

lol wth is this Younger show? 

Aww Lorenzo is cute :3 I am depressed now, tho, ngl CIAO, MY NIGGA, GOT. DAMN!

*Ricky's teeth* Yes, I live for swipes at Matty D. I LIVE FOR IT!!! AND EVEN MORE SO AT BENNY AFF YESSSSSSS KILL THEM BOTTHHHHHHHHHHHHH 

They're making another Pirates movie? Smh, whatever. BRYCE!!!!! 

Omg it's only 8:37. I am so...tired. What is Wolf Hall?? I see Damian Lewis so I've immediately lost interest. lol I love when the music starts playing but they keep talking. #realnigga

Awww Patty Wilson got nommed for Fargo. oh okay but Oscar won that's finne I mean he's finnnne THAT NIGGA IS FINNNNNNNEEEEE #hotdavidkrumholtz

lol this Charles Schwab commercial. This lil nigga talkin' mad shit to his dad I AM. S CRE AM ING

I want to see Spy :( 

Poll: Is Jason Statham hot or nah??? 

Lady Gaga looks good. #stilldon'tcareaboutamericanhorrorstoryhotel

BENNY MENDY!!! #stilldon'tcareaboutbloodline

Sigh, I need to see Mr. Robot. Not for Christian Slater tho lol, who is that? #onlycareaboutrami

RAMI!!!!!

Aw the little thing Christian said to his wife awww #stilldon'tcareaboutyou

Why is Will Smith screaming at Jamie Foxx? #stillconfusedanddisgustedthatjamieisatdenzel'stable

Omg, Jamie, please. #ifeelbadforthatwhitegirljuststandingtherelol

Why is Quentin's foot-fucking ass accepting this award? Lol did this nigga just throw shade at the job of movie composing? This is so him. 

#ghetto

#feelawkwardpplarewolfwhistlingatjamiefoxx'sdaughter

America got on that quinceanera from the J. C. Penney prom section dress but she's working it so OHKAY!

RAMMIIIIII!!!! #Lol

Bob Odenkirk!!!!!

#conciliatoryglobeforjonhamm'slastseasononmadmen YES ACKNOWLEDGE THAT DON IS A HORRIBLE PERSON. People out here acting like Don is Batman or some shit. Also I feel awkward no one laughed at Hammiel's chumbawhumba joke. I mean, I don't get it, either. But he wants so badly to be funny lol just laugh at his stupid jokes what is the point of being handsome if ppl won't laugh at whatever you say smh what is happening to this world? 

"It's like they've never had a friend before" <.< lol

*Amy Schumer says she wants to bang all the Hemsworths* *globes camera pans to gerard butler* *says, "This is your lane, Amy" *I internally scream for a million years*

Amy!! #adamsnotschumerlolcomeon

Christian was good in The Big Short, but that movie overall was just...eh. Oh, Carell was good, too. BUT LIKE THE MOVIE OVERALL, THO!!

You don't need more than 29 seconds, Matt ;)

This bitch on the New York Presbyterian Hospital commercial just gave a better performance than anyone nominated tonight and I am truly screaming at the top of my fucking lungs

Kung Fu Panda3k8teHUDSONNnnnnNN

lol I forgot Bitty Pitt was in The Big Short. Smh at these basic bitches in the audience screaming for these sticks of saltless butter I am done. Lol no I love them both tho sigh I wish I was there screaming, too #siggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh

*J.K. Simmons voice* "Paul Dayno"!!!!!

Lol did Sylvester actually win lol I'm screaming ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!!! Wait...did Sylvester shout out Mikey Beej or Ryan Coogler? I did not HEAR HIM! 

*Oprah Winfrey voice* "Get W8 Watchers, ya fat" 

Who was that random hot Asian dude? 

*Patrick Wilson and Dagmara chewin' on meatballs* Exactly.

I just suddenly got scared for Denzel getting his Cecil B. DeMille award later. I feel like he's gonna be on some Kanye 4 Prez type shit. Sigh, whatever, at least Diane Keaton won't be singing in fucking chinos  

What was that book Aziz was reading? GAEL GARCIA BERNAL WON!!!!!! IT'S SOOOOOOO CUTE I WANT TO DIEEE!!!!!!!!!!! Aw he's such a dork AWWWW!!!!! aaaawwwww kill meeeeee it's soooooo cutteeeee!!!!!! :33333333

No to Gerard getting his herpes spores anywhere near The Queen lol let me stop coming for London Has Fallen star Gerard like this. Sigh we know you like explosions, Gerard, your whole life is an explosion lol no I'm done I'm done

This show is totally too long omg I'm over this shit lol 

#ridealong2

Lady Gaga?? ugh, okay. Lol she kissed Ryan b4 her boo??? <.< OGMGMGMGG LEO WAS PLAYING GAMES WITH SOMEBODY AND THEN GAGA WALKED PAST HIM AND BUMPED INTO HIM AND HIS FACE IS THE EXPRESSION OF EVERYTHING I STAND FOR AND DESIRE IN LIFE #ughamibacktolovingleoagainsighiblamethebearsceneintherevenant

Lol Gaga is being mad weird, is she doing a Nat Port without the doofy laug---oop, wait nope, see some doofy laughing as well. She's totally doing method nat port, I called it! 

I can't wait til Mel comes out lol. Mel's like "yaaaasss tear down Bill Cosby forget about my indiscretions yaaaaaasssss" 

Shit!!! MEL COMIN FOR RICKY LIKE THIS, PLEASSSEEEE!!!!! #realaussienigga ha, nah, he's racist tho lol, I can't stan for him. #lifeishard

WHAT DID RICKY SAY THEY CENSORED IT COME! ON!!!

RAMI!!!!!!! #iwatchedlarrycrowneforuyabastahd

lol Mr. Robot is a super dumb name for a show lol 

Rami!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lol pleeeeeeeeeezzzzz

WAIT WHAT EMMY RECOMMENDED RAMI OMG I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS AND OMG THIS DUDE JUST PROFESSED HIS LOVE FOR HER GOD I LOVE EMMY EVERYONE LOVES EMMY LOL HER FRIEND TRYNA FUCK LOL OMGMGMGMGMGMG lol i'm FUCKING SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAMMMMINNNNNNNNGGGGGG!!!!

Tom Hanks aka Where is Rita??! I'm here for Rita! Sing jazz songs, Rita, I love you!!!

omg Tom doing a Denzel impression and also lowkey callin out the fact that Denzel hates all white people :') even the ones he fucks probably #juliaroberts :')))

lol his emphasis on Poitier 

BUT WHY IS TOM HANKS PRESENTING THIS?!?!?! LOL ARE HE AND DENZY FRIENDS!?! LOL DID THEY BECOME FRIENDS ON THE SET OF PHILADELPHIA??? I DON'T BELIEVE THAT AT ALL!! lol omg

*Denzel face*

John Boyega is so Baby Denzel, tho. I wish he was presenting this lol and then as he's handing Denzie his Cecil B. Demmy he could go "I'm replacing you, nigga!!" That would make me feel really good inside, because I am garbage. :')

omg this reel of Denzel laughing *that meme of Uncle Denzel*

*prays Denzel is rude in his speech* 

awww he's bringing up his wiffeeeeyeyeyyyyy and the fammmmmmnnn

"Alright, sit down, that's good" YES!  *cries single tear* It's beginning. 

Omg Denzie and his wifey doing lowkey old married couple bickering on stagggeeeeee

lol what was that about lightbulbs? I'm screaming, lowkey this speech was better than expected. I thought he was gonna get all weird and recount his entire career but he just got up there and acted all old and did a lowkey Vada Sultenfuss impression "I need my glasses!!" and it was so perfect but I am a little upset he did not finish that story about lightbulbs. How does that tie in to Denzie becoming a huge star? Does it tie in? Was he just being old and going on some random tangent? Sigh, I hope :')

Hmmm, Spotlight looks good, I need to see this. #respectrachelmcadamspleaseatsomepointPLEASE!!

#killme #EXACTLY

#leosmashedalejandro #i'dpaytoseethatngllllllll

OMG EVA GREEEENENENENNENENENNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

Aw, shit, Taraji!!! #empireseason2wasreallybadbutshe'sgreatsoit'sfinelol

OMG SHE HAS A COOKIE OMG DID SHE GIVE IT TO LEO STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!

#getoffmytrain

*Taraji cackling*

#theworldlovesreal

*Terrence delicately clapping with his finely sharpened talons* Yes, Taraji, get ittttt. 

I love Jlaw so I'm gonna keep it cute and quiet :) #joywaswhack

Jlaw sucking David O. Rustyass's dick onstage when he had the audacity to berate and abuse my babygirl Amy Adams? NO, GIRL. #makechanges2k16

I need to see Room. Brie be quietly killin it so it's prob good #itbetterbegoodhaha

"Here is Tobey Maguire!" Nahhhhhh, u good. lol LIKE, YER GOOD!!!!! 

Did Leo really just blow a kiss at Tobey? Lukas is at home FUMING! 

So annoyed Tom Hardy wasn't nominated for two of his super-big movies this year like wtf. Does he not campaign? Ugh I wish he was a kiss-ass sometimes :(

#2timegoldenglobewinnerjimcarrey #yaas

What's with the huge claps for The Martian? Is that movie really poppin? Lol, nah, it can't be. It can't be!!!

Saoirse!!!!!!!!!!

If Kate from United States of Tara gets her ass an Oscar I will be lowkey pleased. 

lol I hope Kate from United States of Tara gets an Oscar before Leo

Oh, shit, okay, it's Leo's year. Sigh, him not having an Oscar has been what has motivated me out of bed every day for my entire life. WHAT WILL I DO WHEN HE WINS?! *fingerscrossedoneofthemainnomineesdiessotheyfeelguiltyandgiveittohimandnotleo* *fingerscrossedforwillsmithtobewhohastotakeonefortheteam*

#tomwouldtotallyburyyouleostopit

"my friends, you know who you are" Lukas scoffs and turns off the TV. It's one of those old timey sets with the knob so he has to walk over and bend down and everything. 

lol Leo just lowkey pulled a Brando #here4it

WHEN THE FUCK IS THIS GOING OFF??? :)

#yaaaaasThe Revenant. #pleasegooffnow #:) #please

lol who is that guy up there screeching and crying and shit lol

#shalom

iight time to go watch Shameless. WHICH WAS NOMINATED FOR NOTHING, TONIGHT, BTW! #buti'msleep