Unspeakable Acts (1990)

You know what's an unspeakable act? This movie.

And also this blog. Does anyone read this blog? Sigh, 

why?

Okay! So, I saw this movie on Netflix and the little icon pic included for it made it look like a piece of shit, so immediately, I was intrigued. First of all the title is Unspeakable Acts. So I instantly knew it was lit and didn't even need to read the description, but definitely when I read the description it was immediately confirmed that absolutely, yes, the party was about to be started. What sort of person am I, though, that I get excited about a movie detailing a child sex abuse case? Sigh, it's complicated. I mean, I wasn't excited about kids getting abused, I was just excited about...the idea...of a ~made for television movie~ about the subject, okay? Like, do you get it? Child abuse in and of itself does not excite me, but some shitty Lifetime movie about the subject does? Get it? I haven't explained myself out of looking like a bad person, I see that. This is bullshit, though, because no one is demanding explanations for why this movie was even made! Why focus on me being a piece of shit, instead of director Linda Otto, or the writer of the "book" (???) Jan Hollingsworth, or the negro who wrote the teleplay (oxymoron??), Alan Landsburg. Look at them, not me!!! 

Well, okay, I guess you can at least look at me for writing this ~blog post~ (please read my blog). 

:( I took a bunch of screencaps. I did not want to. I pretty much never want to. Unless I've already seen a movie and am only watching it again to write about it (Hider in the Haus), because people have to know. I like to just be completely absorbed in a movie, and taking screencaps is distracting. But sometimes, taking screencaps is more necessary than paying full attention. And anyway, looking over the screencaps is basically like watching the movie twice, and I see things that I never saw on my first viewing. Like how Brad Davis could lowkey get it? Like he's totally giving Dean Stockwell teas? Lol no. Nahhhh. I've made a huge mistake. Anyway, here's some bullshit:

Lol okay. So this was the beginning of the end pretty much. I promised myself I wasn't going to screencap every frame like some freak, but this guy. This guy! Like! He kept waving goodbye to his daughter! No, YOU HAVE TO SEE IT. 

One of the couples were two cops and they had a daughter. The mom cop was outside playing with the daughter and the dad comes out like "OMG BYEE!!!!". I think the mom said how she was going to take the daughter to the babysitter (uh oh!)? The dad's partner has come to pick him up so he leaves. It was so weird how both the parents were cops but the mom is still saddled with having to take care of the kid before getting to go do cop stuff. But like I couldn't think about that too much because THE DAD KEPT DISTRACTING ME WITH ALL THAT FUCKING WAVING. I swear he waved like a thousand waves. It was like two minutes of him just waving I'm not exaggerating (I'm a little exaggerating) but omg it was so funny. Was it actually funny or was I just in a funny mood? No, I was in a bad mood! I'm always in a bad mood and he was definitely waving way too much at his daughter, he just definitely was!! I'm not crazy!! 

Bebe Neuwirth and that dude who plays Jane Krakowski's husband on The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt are a couple and they have a daughter and I took this screencap because Bebe was changing her daughter's diaper on the couch. She aint even put down a towel or nothing - nasty. #smhwhiteppl  

Bebe's like a super-worried helicopter parent. Right, so explain why she's dropping her kid off at some random lady's house so she can go play tennis? I thought this bitch was going to work or had some important shit to do, but her white ass is gonna go hit some balls over a net and sip on limeritas or some shit (idk what beverage goes with tennis). Then when her kid winds up with a suspicious rash on her ass, who's gonna look like a dummy? Your kid got molested in a really weird way (rash???) because you wanted to play tennis? What sort of over-protective parent behavior is this? Like, where do they do this? I understand these people are white, but Bebe is swarthy, so I honestly feel like there's no excuse. I really don't wanna hear any whining about "oh my kid has a weird rash!" when they got that rash because you were tryna be Serena Williams, or that other one.

Omg as soon as I found out Joseph Mazzello was in this, I screamed. Really. Because I have a lot of problems. Like, so many. I've been stalking this string bean gingerbitch since like 2010, when I was, sigh, sort of involved in fandom for the HBO Mini-Series The Pacific. Those were some of my darkest moments. And it's like, I'm aware that was basically my rock bottom, so why haven't I expelled Joey Mazz from my system? I've really made no effort to try and erase the damage that time has done to me. Like, just recently I went to see The Revenant and I almost threw up because Brendan Fletcher was in it? Like, briefly I forgot about my all-consuming love for Tom Hardy and nearly cried at the sight of Bill Leyden? I truly need help and therapy and for Starbucks Doubleshots to cost way less money. Nearly four dollars for a can of heart attacks - um, okay, since when???

LOOK AT HIS LITTLE BLUE SHIRT. Um, sigh. So Joey Mazz's dad is taking him to that babysitter's house. The same one the woman cop and Bebe Neuwirth took their kids to. I forgot the name of the babysitter. Gabriella? Idfk who cares. But can we talk about how Joey Mazz tried to tell his dad that a man chases him in a scary mask at "Gabriella's" house and the dad was all "A MAN CHASES YOU IN A SCARY MASK??!?!" and then Joey Mazz brushed it off like "Nah, it's nothing". UM, WHAT?! Who would not immediately spring into an investigation--Sigh, idk. Because I guess kids are always talking some bullshit, but Joey Mazz's character in the movie is really...mature. He's very child actor and grown up and talks like an adult and I am not joking please watch this movie and see how this little boy is using like mad long words and talking like some old, exhausted gay queen half the time. Like, idk, if he told me he was being chased by a man in a scary mask, I'd look into it. Would I blame him for enticing the man in the scary mask? Yes. But I'd still believe him. He talks like a mom from Staten Island who's slightly superior to her peers because she has family from England. I don't understand his dad not taking him seriously, but I guess if he did we wouldn't have this whole glorious, horrific, extremely mediocre movie. 

IS THAT JOE MAZZELLO's BROTHER DOES HE HAVEA BROTHER

:( This reminded me of that scene from The Pacific when Eugene "Sledgehammer" Sledge was tossing and turning in his bed, having a tumultuous wet dream about his tru soulm8 4ever Merriell "Shit and ass fuck up" Shelton. The Pacific really ruined me I'll never be whole again. I really hate caring about so many white boys all at once :/ Sigh, I see James Badge Dale is in a new movie sigh I need to see it :( I think it's a Michael Bay film omg please :( please :'(

Laurie and Joseph Braga, come thru!!!!! oh my goodness, they were so weird. They were so. weird. And I took like a million screencaps of them omg just their looks alone were so odd but even how they acted omg they were lowkey everything

OMG WHEN THEY SHOWED THE BACK OF THIS NIGGA'S HEADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD *breaks neck from screaming too much*

PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!

okay, back to normal mostly *tries to catch breath from all that screaming but it's hard to breathe now due to being paralyzed from the neck down*

NOOO, STOP!!!!! Stop it...*cries*

omg

lol why did I cap this? There were probably so many things going on. I think this picture showcases a few of them.

Oh, right. Laurie and Joseph Braga are like child psychologists, I guess? They're brought in to help with the investigation of that babysitter and her husband, Frank. A bunch of the kids were being weird and getting rashes and eventually all the parents got together and kept screaming "WHY DIDN'T MY CHILD SAY ANYTHING?!!" even though apparently one of the parents picked up her kid from the babysitter's house once and saw him walking out of a bedroom without any pants on?? Girl, why does your little ass kid have to say anything? Clue in, bitch! Anyway, they all went to the police and blah blah Joseph and Laurie's weirdo oldhead hippie asses are brought in. There's a lot of focus on their interviewing of Jason, who's clearly the least-dumbest kid of the lot. Him, and Frank's daughter, who was Hispanic, and also helped raped the kids? Sooooooo, she doesn't count. All hope lies on Jason's delicate lady shoulders! 

IS THAT THAT LITTLE FREAK FROM PET SEMETARY AND KINDERGARTEN COP? This film is bursting with treasures. Also, I need to revise my choice of words, maybe? NO!  

Taking things out of context and just having a little fun :') 

Why did I screencap this? idk, maybe Joey Mazz was talkin' about the weird group orgies he and the other kids at the babysitter's house had to participate in with Frank and ol' girl. If I was Joseph and Laurie I'd be like "um, wow, okay, tmi!!" 

His liddle scrunchy face fjndinieznouenj ekem

They actually had a "Show us on the doll where they touched you" moment omg. When Jason turned over one of the dolls and pointed to the butt I was done. Officially DOA. They actually asked him, though, where Frank and his wife touched the other kids, typically. Jason never talks about himself directly or what happened to him but at least he snitches on everyone else and gives glorious reads :') 

lol I'm screaming. The first glimpse of Frank. So menacing. Is he standing in front of a VW van? kill me

Oh, no, this was when he described the orgies. lol look at Laurie and Joseph, like, "uh huh...okaaaaaaaaaaaaay..." 

lol omg look at Frank. Here he was removing like boxes and boxes of videotapes. I think, he recorded the kids...doing stuff. But try to get rid of the boxes all you want, Frank, they still gon' get dat ass - these are white kids, but nice try, anyway. A for effort :)

Laurie had a breakdown, overwhelmed by the horrificness of the crimes committed. But my thing was, isn't this what they do? Like, she's overwhelmed by what the kids tell her in the interviews, but it actually seemed pretty tame? I mean, no, but I feel like they would've heard stuff like this before? Laurie seemed really stuck on the whole orgy thing. But there's like a whole child sex slave industry where I'm sure wayyyyyyyyyy worse shit goes down that probably she should know about? Idk, maybe Laurie lives on a commune. But like, probably way worse shit happens on that commune. I mean, it's a commune. Laurie needs to #wakeup. 

Frank looks like Quagmire smushed into Brundlefly, and I just cannot. I really wish 1. the child molesters were not ethnic, and 2. that the infamous Frank looked way less stereotypical lol. Like, he's so obvious. He has the whole ~child predator~ costume down pat, and I am just so distraught that they made absolutely no effort to deviate from trope. Well, I guess him being Hispanic deviates? Usually these dudes are chalkheads, but side-eye at them going off-book on the race only lol like come on

Wait who drew this? One of the kids but I can't remember - was it Jason? Frank's girl? One of those other random kids? Whatever, this shit is hilarious and that's why I screencapped it. But qq: why am I like this? 

Oh, this was MY NIGGA!!! lol, I forgot his name, but he was lowkey the true star of the film. There was just something about how off-the-street his casting seemed that endeared him to me :') I wonder if they cast like a real-life cop, or just some shitty extra because the real actor playing his part got murdered or had an awakening and decided to do literally anything else with their life

*deceased*

When mah nigga came thru talkin about Frank's daughter had gonorrhea, I shit in my pants. I was distraught. And then they started talking about how all the other kids probably had gonorrhea, etc., and I was just dying and crying. It was too much, but not enough. You mean to tell me a made for television movie about child rape made around 1990 is not about to drop an AIDS bomb? Or are we just covering one headlining news subject at a time? Sigh, this is why made for tv movies can't be great - go in or go home!!! 

The way Jason was sitting, coloring at the table all proper-like was really killing me. He's such a little lady, I can't. 

I think this was when Jason's dad was all "No matter what gross shit happened to you, we'll still love you, son". There was this real emphasis made on the fact that kids won't want to tell their parents about being abused, for fear their parents will look at them like "eugh, you let him do what??". Jason's dad was really feelin' some type of way about this, so kept saying things to Jason like "We love you, son! You're so brave!!" It was gettin a little weird. If I were Jason I wouldn't tell him about being molested just so he wouldn't like, buy me a congratulatory fucking ice cream. Weird ass.

omg this family. So the boy from Pet Semetary had a sister. What happened with this family was that they discovered one of their kids was molested, I forget if it was "Chad", or his sister. I think they found out Chad was molested, yeah. Yes, and when they were at the police station waiting for Chad to get interviewed, the mom started freaking out, worrying if their daughter, too, had been abused, and the dick dad was all like "Calm down, [Sharon or whatever her name was]! Let's just focus on Chad!" It was just so funny (or horrible?) how dismissive he was of the idea that the daughter got molested, too. Like, let's just worry about this fucking idiot first. Idk, it was really amazing. Lol but anyway, turns out the daughter definitely got molested, too. So good job, daddy. I would feel bad about my facetious tone concerning this serious subject if...I were a better person. And also if the dad in this scenario was way less of a dick in an amusing way to me. 

That's a cool lamp! 

My baby :') He looks like Joe Swanson and a frog <33

Idk, Joseph and Laurie getting excited about something that is not normal to get excited about. Like all the kids' gonorrhea tests coming back possie. Yayyyyy!! 

He's such a grown woman, carrying his own bowl from the counter over to the table :') lol look at the mom, "You were molested". No, I really have to stop laughing...ugh IF THE MOVIE WERE BETTER...no, I'm lying. I'm just a piece of shit. But this movie really is hilarious, like even a good person would find this funny. Sigh, no they wouldn't :/ A good person would have chosen to watch Veggie Tales and not write a shitty blog post about it, because they have a life, good people have lives. Ones I want to live? Nah, hell nah!!! They probably go to like national parks for fun. No thanks! (I'm scared of owls). 

I think Jason asks his mom if she'll still love him if he tells her he was touched on his bum. JASON, THEY BEEN SAYING THIS!! Or, was it just the dad? Maybe Jason all along needed his mommy to reassure him she wouldn't give him up for adoption if he admitted he heavily participated in those orgies over at Frank and them's house. Jason's mom is like "um, yeah" and then I guess Jason tells her in detail everything that happened to him jesus 

idk his appearance was funny to me

*screams until dies*

THIS WAS SOOOO FUNNY!! PLEASE!! Omgomg. Okay so like the whole movie Jason was telling interviewers and stuff everything that'd go down at the babysitter's abode, but he'd never personally implicate himself, or put himself directly in the action. He'd just talk about it like he was an omnipresent figure. They really wanted Jason to confess what exactly happened to him. Finally he does and then they have him like cross-examined by the defense, I guess Frank's lawyer. He's going hard on Jason, trying to accuse him of lying. It was really douchey. But I got my entire fucking life when the lawyer dude asked Jason "When did he do it?" and JASON FUCKING SAID "PARTIALLY"!!! "WHAT?" "PARTIALLY." I could not. believe it. What kid is walking around using the word "partially"? The way they wrote for him was so ridiculous but I love it because it just made his character and this shitty movie that much better :') I should...honestly stop being so amused :( But how are you partially molested, though *that dude from troll 2 with the fly on his head* ommgggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg 

The cop's daughter was cute. Too bad about that rash 

*shudders* Wait, did she get a rash or was--Either way, she has gonorrhea. So too bad about that!! 

Babygirl :')

Secret babygirl ;)

Why is he--Chad never had a chance smh

omg

The jury. Lol Frank is going to prison omg look at the lady's face. The black dude is giving me I'm in public and wearing a suit, subdued and refined "bruh" face. The old white dude is like internally breathing a sigh of relief all the focus is on Frank and not whatever's in his basement 

Why would Frank come to court lookin like this lol. Is he serious? Of course the jury is going to deem you guilty! You look like you were born fucking kids! He didn't even try, come on. At least buy a toupée that makes you look less lizard-like, or get a pair of glasses from not the fucking Jeffrey Dahmer Collection, I mean honestly! 

Why did I cap this? Jason was probably getting congratulated for going into super-specific, grotesque detail about those orgies and what happened to his butt. He looks so cute in a suit :') 

Jason coming back down to reality. 

I shouldn't be allowed to live. I def capped this for that dude's arms. They're so hairy :') THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT KIDS GETTING RAPED WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND OMG

The jury found Frank "guilty" on like all his charges (kaduh). Laurie and Joseph stare deeply into each other's eyes after the verdict. Weird. ohs. 

idk she played one of the cops. She was cute; bae; etc. 

:33

Florida. Of course.