The Big Short (2015)

I don't get all the awards show love for this movie. Like, I think people just care because Brad Pitt produced it? Since when is the shirtless cowboy dude from Thelma & Louise, like, a respected figure in Hollywood? Lol, what is happening to this world? Or has it always been like this? Look, I like Brad Pitt, but not for any, like, non-shallow and shameful reasons. He cries good in movies. ... He looks like an m t f Appalachian Mountains porno version of Robert Redford. Why are people taking him seriously? I mean, I guess it's good because he can get ppl to care about shit like 12 Years a Slave (sigh), but also he can get ppl to care about dryass shit like Moneyball, and possibly even drier shit like The Big Short. Or am I wrong that people only care about The Big Short because Bitty Pitt is attached? But, look, like...what other reason could there be???

Me, personally, I care because of John Magaro, whom I am full-on stanning for at this point. I don't want to be. I never do, but it's happening. Hopefully he'll get really big and then something horrible will come out about him (like, he really loved the Johnny episodes of The O.C. or something), and then I can stop caring about him :') But for now I really care about him and his nose and ambiguous probably-Italian, but maybe secretly Jewish sort of thing he has going on. Like I just recently saw he was a ~guest star~ on one of those crime-of-the-week sort of shows and I got really excited and almost entertained the idea of watching one of those horrible programs. But I quickly got myself together. I'm lowkey stanning for Johnny M, but he's no Tom Hardy lol. If Tom was on Law and order Criminal Minds Svu: MiaMi-Dade County~*~*, then maybe, but John and I are not at that level in our relationship yet where I will just be watching any shit he is in. Yet.

But I didn't even know he was in this until I saw him and got that weird itchy feeling. My initial reason for wanting to see this was because I heard Steve Carell was really good. Also, Xtian Bale was in it, and when I see Xtian Bale, I think, okay, there's a...70...3% chance this movie might be really worth a watch. Well, 73 is not 100. You win some, you lose a lot, tbh. 27% is...actually a pretty large percentage, ngl. I could deal with a 1 or 2% chance the movie will be a waste of time, but 27?! Nah, that's more than halfway to half which is more than halfway to FAILURE, do you complete me?? So anyway, I should ask for a refund back of that tuition I paid for the Jaden Smith School of Life, and I should also ask for refund on the cash money dinero I paid to see this movie. Nah, sigh, it wasn't even that bad. But it definitely reminded me of some TV movie I saw on HBO about the housing market crash or whatever the fuck happened with that. The mortgage thing. You know what I mean. I was watching The Big Short at the movie theater and the whole time was thinking: smh, you could've kept this on TV. This is a made for television movie. A ~prestige~ one, granted, but still, at the end of the day, this movie deserved nothing more than a small screen. I don't need to pay any money to see fucking Selena Gomez and Margot Robbie cameos. Like, are you serious? Margot Robbie is a famous person like that now? And you couldn't have gotten Demi Lovato? She needs to pimp her Skechers, like, do you not understand how things are supposed to work? 

Again, what is happening to the world? Demi Lovato can't pimp her Skechers or diet bipolar tablets in an overly-expository movie about the mortgage crash thing that happened, but Selena Gomez and that girl who replaced Kristen Stewart in that Will Smith movie because Kstew didn't want to kiss on some black lips can???!?! Wow, like, wowww. 

I guess I just have to accept that we are all doomed :) And, I mean, I guess I can take solace in the fact that Skechers still are not cool, and with Demi Lovato as the brand ambassador, unable to pimp them in a movie that considers a Selena Gomez cameo as ~cheeky~ and even remotely relevant, they never will be. Good. 

Steve Carell and my girl Christina B were still good, though, lol. Like the movie wasn't my cup of tea, but I liked their performances. My favorite performance was from Jeremy Strong, though. I fucked with Mark Baum's whole crew, actually. Liked their scenes. And I liked...Magaro and Wittrock's scenes. Though I thought their thing with Brad Pitt...was weird. Lol, but he was at his most Redfordist, so I accepted it. Fine, be on screen, if you must. But not on a big screen because this movie is not as important as you think and it's nowhere near as poppin as ppl are tryna make it seem. Definitely not nominate this shit for Academy Awards poppin, but umkay. But like, so much weird shit got nominated for Oscars this year. Or, every year? Should I #boycotttheoscars? Like, as a black person I should have probably already considered this lol but I am just...more annoyed by garbáge in general getting nominated. Like, every year? Just, so much random trash makes it through. I mean, this year is not like the year they nominated Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close and War Horse, but...it's pretty close. Like, Joy? Mad Max???? That Martian movie I haven't even seen but I know it's trash??? This???? Like, what is going on?? 

I don't even know how you could get better...voting and nomination results. I guess diversifying the academy membership would help a bit. I feel like all of Hollywood should get to vote, but...I can still see mess being nominated. It'd just be everyone voting for their ugly, talentless friends. And always the most talented are the least-liked and most friendless, that's just how it works. People are haters. I should know ;) I mean ppl hate on me because I am sew talented. I didn't mean I was a hater. Wait, is this whole blog a receipt to disprove that claim completely? Well, good thing no one reads this shit :') 

I am so alone :')