lol okay: Beyond the Lights (2014)

lol this movie was silly as hell. As soon as I saw Noni writhing around in that "Kid Culprit" video I was just like "lol okay" and immediately stopped trying to watch the movie through any sort of serious lens. This movie is on some made for TeenNick type shit and I am aghast and appalled at people out here tryna act like this was some sort of serious awards contender. Not that awards matter, I mean, Mad Max: Fury Road was nominated for awards and it's like "what?". So I can see why all the dumb people thinking Mad Max deserves awards, would think Beyond the Lights deserves anything but a green splat rating on Rotten Tomatoes. This shit is spoiled, but high-glossed, so I understand people being easily fooled. (I mean that I sympathize with dumminess, it can't be helped). 

I really love Gugu Mbatha-Raw and vaguely care about Nate Parker, so when I heard about this mess, I got excited. I was like #yaaaaaas and #blacklove. They're mad cute apart, and even madder cuter together. So I was pumped for whatever this The Bodyguard meets Jem and the Holograms the new version travesty was going to be. Did I always think it was going to be a mess, way back when the trailers premiered? I guess I thought it looked sort of dumb, but was blinded, probably like most other dummies, by the attractive leads. And thank god for them because this movie would be trash without their beautiful asses. I mean, the movie is still trash with them, but they cute it up, and also Gugu and Nate both have more than serviceable acting skills. Neither of them are Daniel Day-Lewis or anything, but they both brought something to their, frankly, pretty lame ass characters. Gugu brought some...idk, likeableness and warmth to her weak, annoying Noni, and Nate brought some bass in his chest to his lowkey simp cop character. 

And I was here for the romance. It was cute. as. hell! And I got in my feelings when they had those false starts at the beginning with Noni being all ~diva~ and~popstar~ eventho she just won like a Billboard Award and had to perform with Kid Culprit's doofy ass at the BET Awards - like Noni, girl, are you the Rita Ora of the world created for this movie? I mean, probably slightly more significant than Rita. Does ol' Rita even have a Billboard Award? Has she ever been on the Billboard charts?? Has she ever been on a billboard? Does she...know what...a billboard is...???? So, no! Noni is at least slightly more significant than Rita Ora, but it's like, what does that even mean? Isn't everyone? And she had the audacity to be jumping down Kazaam's neck like OMG UR GONNA SELL MY STORY TO THE TABLOIDS. Girl, no one cares about you and I'm mad that journalist dude was offering Kaz all that money like lol spare me. 

Waitititiwaait. Can we talk how their ~romance~ starts? Noni is pulling a Jenny from Forrest Gump and tryna leap off balconies - like, it's been done, girl. So Kaz ~saves~ Noni. He says he "sees" her. What do you see, Kaz? Because all I see is some tryhard mixed girl seriously wearing like rubber spandexSERIOUSLY IS NONI SUPPOSED TO BE RITA ORA. No because I cannot imagine anyone caring about her tryna jump off a ledge, tho I can imagine her trying to do it for publicity no lemme stop coming for Rita like this as if "Body On Me" is not my jam despite the presence of "Tyga's Friend" on the track. smh Rita when is this album coming out like I'm trying to root for you but you're wasting time dating Tommy Hilfiger's son (Tommy Hilfiger is a real person??) and fucking Shanna Moakler's leftovers, gurl, please, just give me music. I liked your part in "Black Widow"! You made me like that horrible song please just let yourself be great omg I hope you don't read this and take that pretending to jump off a balcony idea loljk no one reads this blog :') Am I the Rita Ora of the blog world? Lol I wish. I'm totally the Steph Jones of the blog world omg how am I coming for anyone?? 

Wait I got distracted remembering that Steph Jones exists. I wonder if he's still alive. Anyway!! So can we talk about how Noni and Kaz's ~connection~ starts up because he saves her from killing herself? Like, what an...I want to say unhealthy start to a relationship. Like, redflags abundant. And then she had Kaz up there lying to the press, talkin bout she was inebriated when Noni barely even drinks. But then they go on a date?? Like, that was definitely a date. And while on the date Kaz is recommending she go to therapy lol wifey material. Not that I think suicidal people or anyone who needs therapy is like unlovable or doesn't deserve love/a relationship, it just felt weird how it's like oh he saves her and then his love heals her. I don't know anything about love *cries*, so, like, sure. But them pushing that Kaz's love heals Noni made me really uncomfortable. That shit is a beautiful idea, but it seems way healthier to get your shit together on your own, before you get all into soul binding and all that ish. But I guess life isn't so simple? And also...they did have Kaz breaking up with her when he could see that Noni maybe wasn't serious about sticking to the changes she'd made. So he leaves her and then she really gets it together. But again, it's like, was Kaz leaving her the only reason she propelled into real action? Or, no, maybe not. I guess she got that wakeup call when she realized she still had no control over her album. So, sigh, fine. And, honestly, did any of my uncomfy feelings cause me to ever for one second not ship Noni and Kaz? No. So what am I bitching about? Idk, I just like to complain, tbh. 

Mmm, so anyway, this movie was a mess. And I felt awkward how they kept using that Nina Simone song. It just made me want to hear...Nina Simone sing it...and no one else. Noni's lil tearful rendition of it at karaoke was, imo, #doin2much. The fucking song wasn't even on the approved karaoke list of songs. The binch just got up there and started singing whatever. Bitch, this aint your own personal concert! Instead of booing Kaz, they should've booed her obnoxious ass lol like is she serious. AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT THEM BOOING KAZ?!?! I have never performed karaoke a single day in my life and I never will for the rest of the time I am alive, and even after I'm dead, and chillin' in purgatory. It seems horrible and a waste of my time. I could be sittin' on the toilet cryin because those lasts little bits of shit won't come out, try hard as I might. Karaoke holds no appeal for me, and I hate anyone who does it lol. I hate anyone who participates in karaoke. You are gross, bad humans. 

But like, is it common to boo bad singers? I thought that was the whole point of karaoke? To sing shittily to Whitney Houston songs in front of a group of alcoholics. How were they booing him? I was so offended. 

Look at these blanc hoes. How dare you?! 

HE'S TRYING HIS BEST!! No, but Nate was really cute doing this and I was genuinely offended they started booing him lol like don't hurt my child

Alright, I'm tired. Hope you enjoyed this rambly, non-sensical complaint about nothing in specific. I guess I just wish Nina Simone's "Blackbird" was available on Apple Music? I pay ten dollars a month - for what? Bryson Tiller "exclusives"? Lol, you're trying it, Apple Music!!!!

Here's a screencap of when Kid Culprit shushed Noni's lips with his finger. 

I tried to capture his finger actually on her lips (he put his dirty finger on her lips!!), but failed. I am a failure. Speaking of! I genuinely, truly hate Machine Gun Kelly. He's just so white. Is it okay to hate someone for being "just so white"? ...What better reason is there? His episode of Catfish was one of my favorites, though. No one told you to not spend time with your daughter to be on an episode of fucking Catfish lol like what priorities