Joy (2015)

Why did I think this movie was about a woman who invented Miracle Whip? I was really excited to watch that moment where Joy is in the kitchen making sandwiches, when the lightbulb goes off: AHA, weirder mayonnaise! Wait - what actually is Miracle Whip? Is it like what margarine is to butter? Can someone make a movie about the person who invented Miracle Whip so I can know what the fuck it is, and also what their initial problem was with regular mayonnaise? K great thanks.

Okay I just bing.commed Miracle Whip - I am so disturbed. Firstly, the "official site" is a fucking tumblr blog. Oh my goodness, it gets worse. Wikipedia, because I refused to click on that tumblr link, tells me Miracle Whip was founded in 1903, is a "less expensive alternative to mayonnaise", and that in Germany, it is sold as Miracel Whip. Come on, Germany!! Actually, sigh, doesn't their version actually seem to make more sense? What the fuck is Miracel Whip?! What the heck is a "salad dressing spread"??? Who spreads anything on salad? Salad isn't flat! At least, SIGH, it is not supposed to be? No, but seriously, I'm really upset this movie wasn't about the inventor of Miracle Whip. For no reason at all, this movie is about...a chick who invented a mop? Um, okay. And not even the Swiffer? Um, OKAY??!??

I thought this movie was quite strange. The tone was weird, the dialogue, acting, everything. But I reminded myself that David O. Russell also made shit like I Heart Huckabees, and that unreleased movie where Jessica Biel becomes a sex addict because she gets shot in the head with a nail gun???, so I shrugged off the oddness. I like odd, whatever. I mean, if it works. Did it work here? NO. I think this story is strange enough that you can just tell it pretty straight and you're good. But I guess this director dude, who probably sees himself as some sort of auteur and genius, was not going to do it like that *eyeroll*

Here are some things I'd like to change but will never happen because the movie has already been made and I am not David O. Selznick haha :(

-Jlaw. I like Jennifer Lawrence, she doesn't annoy me as much as I'd like to be annoyed. I like watching her, she reminds me of Ellen Barkin, and she has these huge baby cheeks that fill up the whole screen and, idk, I'm into it. Not sure if I'm here for her as David O. Rusty's muse, though, as he's forever casting her in roles that seem too old for her. As husky as this bitch sounds, she definitely does not look old, and hardly gets away with playing old. Idk how old Joy actually was in real-life, but I would have preferred someone more obviously older looking, because this bitch had two kids and a failed marriage under her belt, but you got Jlaw swanning around looking like she just skipped in from summer camp, but um, okay. ALSO, I wished Joy was way more Italiany. Like, Jennifer was totally forgetting her accent a lot? Or did I just want a more over the to--YES, I WANTED IT MORE OVER THE TOP, THANK YOUUUU!!! Thanks!! 

-When the grandmother died and everyone was just standing there. It looked weird, like Joy was the only one who cared about her. Granted, the granny was definitely throwing shade to everyone eternally by saying that Joy would be the one who lifted the family up, lol...soo maybe they didn't care? But Virginia Madsen was her daughter. I guess she cared more about her soaps and that random Haitian dude??

-Speaking of! Sigh at this random black dude and he's like a plumber sigh I'm ovvvverrr it, siiigh. And the other ~~minority~ was fucking Dascha Polanco. Um, okaay lol. As soon as she popped on the screen I was wondering how she got the role. Because it wasn't via her audition, let's keep it one hundred. But it was a pretty nothing role, so maybe she was being shaded by being cast? But anyway, what I really need to know is WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO DAYA'S BABY NOW THAT CESAR HAS BEEN APPREHENDED BY THE FEDS?!?! 

You know...why am I listing things that I would have changed as if it were only a few things? This entire movie was a mess from minute one to done. Just a scrambled hash of quandary. I did catch myself caring for Joy, though. That moment when Todd first introduced her product and the dingdong couldn't get the mop to work right, I was totally crushed like "Nooo!". And then when Joy went on TV herself and presented I lowkey felt like throwing up but then got excited when Daya called her and she got into selling sigh idk. I still overall did not like what was presented to me. Like, what was all that soap opera shit? Why was Bradley Cooper in this? His role was mad insignificant. His lines basically amounted to "Kmart", "David O. Selznick married Jennifer Jones" and "Barry Diller". Like, mmgirl, go away. This is an Alessandro Nivola type of role and I don't understand your presence. Also, Jennifer Jones left Robert Walker for David O. and then he like drank himself to death, so like, stop bragging about that? Lol did that even happen? Yes because I said so and like so what if David O. married J Jones? Like that's some accomplishment. She's not Gene Tierney! smh

Also what was up with the ending? Or that bit when Joy walked away from the Texas dude and she had on her shades and new haircut and Diane Ladd was in the background explaining how in that moment Joy didn't know everything that was going to happen? What - all the great things like her family suing her and she still taking care of them? Her having to pretend that portable dry cleaner was a good idea? Her fucking ex-husband still hanging around and his wedding singing career never taking off? All those great things? Lol and that moment was mad cheesy. Like, stop. I was watching the movie like lol okay. And then the end when B Coop visited Joy and said HSN wanted her. I was confused. Was she going over there or nah? Yes? I guess? And for some reason Barry Diller was going to come for her, "hard"? Lol, why? And why was Joy like awkwardly staring off into the distance like that? I'm so. annoyed. she never got to shoot B Coop. I was waiting for that!!! Adversaries of commerce or whatever!! Ugh. 

Whatever, this movie was whack. But I did really love Melissa Rivers playing her mom.

This shit was creepy. But in a good way. But also in a bad way. Like why was she exactly Joan Rivers? I'm scared, and I'm tired.