Um, what was this???? Why did--Why was this made?? You know how on the HBO streaming app thing they have the little picture? Right like on all streaming apps smh, but anyway the pic they had for this movie was Clint and Vonetta McGee's heads like really close or something and I was like OKAY INTERRACIAL SEXINESS. Because I'm a piece of shit. But Vonetta looked mad good and extra seventies honey pie, you know? So I clicked to read what the movie was about. The description was like blah blah something spy? And then Clint has to kill people on a mountain. So I'm thinking about Vonetta and her curly afro and Clint wearing a fucking North Face fleece or some shit and I want to throw up I'm so happy, so I watch. I GOTTA stop choosing to watch shit based off mad superficial shit because this was highly sus. Just the whole thing. But lowkey? I kind of...really hated it. But I had fun hating it, and that's all you can really ask for. (No, you can ask for way more! Things can be so much better!!!)
So UHHHHHHHHH!! Clint and his hairdo plays some ex-CIA operative or some mess named Johnathan Hemlock. He's "retired" now and works as...I forgot what he was teaching at the college. But he's a professor. And you can tell he's a good guy and teach because he doesn't fuck his students. But he slaps their ass when he tells them to go home and study?????????????? So RIGHT AWAY the movie is sus, but I'm trying to ignore it because I'm like Clint is an old school, ~str8 wyTE geye~*~*~ and this is the seventies, so things are really bad and terrible lol, so of course. FINE.
Some CIA...courier? Maybe? Shows up at Clint's office and is like...the CIA people want him to come out of retirement for some special job. Clint's like no. He throws the CIA courier dude, who is like mad greasy and weird, out of his office. I started kind of laughing about some stuff with this. Like Clint kind of busting this dude up a bit? Idk, something about it was so funny and like ridiculous to me. But honestly at this point I'm still trying to take the movie seriously? For some reason? So I'm not like...trying to laugh lol.
BUT NAH AS SOON AS THEY INTRODUCED DRAGON I WAS LIKE LOL OKAY THAT'S ENOUGH OF ME VIEWING THIS THROUGH ANY SORT OF SERIOUS LENS. So Dragon is the Boss. Tbh, I have no idea what's going on lol. I don't even fully know if this was the CIA or some other shit or if they even said. Honestly? No one cares. But the"boss" is named Dragon, and before they even show him onscreen, they have characters talking about him, describing him. They're like He's Albino. And I'm like okaaaaaaay lol. BUT WAIT IT'S SO WEIRD BECAUSE IF YOU'VE KNOWN THIS MAN FOR A WHILE, WHY WOULD HIS ALBINISM BE A POINT OF CONVERSATION? Maybe! Maybe. Talking about someone being albino, having it be a Thing, is...acceptable-ish after you just met someone for the first time. And you're just like, They're Albino. But even then it's like...ehhh lol. It's no good for the most part. But everyone talking about Dragon in the movie already knows this man but they're all lowkey roasting him for being albino while at the same time like weirdly explaining him being albino in like an expository sort of way for the audience? Was albinism not like a known thing in the seventies? Like did it just get ~discovered~? HONESTLY I'M GETTING THOSE TEAS BECAUSE I CANNOT BELIEVE HOW OFFENSIVE THEIR PORTRAYAL OF AN ALBINO PERSON WAS IN THIS MOVIE OMFGGGGGG!!
Clint is making all these offensive ass comments about Dragon lol calling him a lizard or some shit. Well, his name is Dragon...... BUT WHYYYYY TELL ME WHYYYY CLINT WALKS INTO DRAGON'S OFFICE AND IT'S JUST LIKE ALL RED LIGHT AND HE HAS RED FUCKING EYES AND EXPLAINS (FOR WHOSE SAKE????) THAT YOU KNOW DIRECT LIGHT CANNOT HIT HIM. OR??? HE SPONTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS???? I'M FUCKING CRYING THIS WAS SO OFFENSIVE!! And then I think later in the movie he's getting his blood replaced entirely????? Is this all what albinism is about?? Lol I LOVE how I'm trying to go in on them for their offensive portrayal when I know literally zero things about albinism but smh it just seemed...real rude. AND THEN ON TOP OF EVERYTHING DRAGON WAS MAD CREEPY? Just like the way he was talking and sitting up in that dark ass room. I...can't.
So El Albino is telling Clint about the mission he wants him to do. Something something...a guy Clint used to work with was murdered. Two dudes were responsible maybe? Or one? Or one did the killing and one delivered the message for the killing to be done? Idfk. No. I think there were two killer dudes and then a traitor/messenger type smfh. I can't pay attention when I watch spy-type movies like what all is occurring. Beats me!
Anyway. Clint says no at first to the whole deal. Then Dragon threatens him, implying the IRS would audit him maybe and see Clint owns mad expensive ass paintings and wonder how someone could afford all that on a professor's salary. So Clint's like Alright. But he says his fee goes up 10k. I know this was in the seventies, but 10k seems small to commit murder? lol What was 10k in 197whatever? Maybe the conversion is in the hundred thousands? But I feel like it's not? And yikes!! But Dragon hands Clint his pay and the 20k is in the envelope??? And Clint is like Am I that predictable?? And Dragon slithers his fork tongue and is like You are Far From Predictable, My Göød BOY or something and he's just so creepy and disgusting lol.
Clint is supposed to kill two guys for sure but again I forgot/don't know what was happening lol. He killed one dude, threw him out a window. Then the other guy, the one he's supposed to kill on the mountain, the CIA is saying they don't know his identity, just that he'll be on a climbing expedition and has a limp. So Clint has to figure it out. Lol smh. How do you know all that this unidentified person is going to be in a specific place, doing a specific thing but don't know whom he is? Lol okay! Also if they told me to do this mission I would pass like wtf what do you mean you don't know who I'm sposed to kill? Fuck outta here, this is highly unprofesh!!
So Clint taking the plane somewhere. I forgot where? To meet his old buddy, Ben? Wait, what was the order of things? When did he meet Jemima??? I'm...pretty sure it was after he killed the first dude, but right before he was going to hook up with Ben so he could "train" for the climbing expedition? Idfk, BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW "THE BLACK CHICK'S" NAME WAS JEMIMA?? Girl, bye!!! (Girl, being Clint Eastwood. He needs to Stop and die!!). And then Clint had the audacity to, like, make a comment about how on-the-nose a black woman being named Jemima was. GIRL, ANYWAY!! HER NAME JEMIMA CUZ YOU WROTE IT THAT WAY!! Wait, did Clint write this movie lol did he even direct smfh idk too lazy 2 check but I am holding him responsible.
Jemima's a stewardess on the plane Clint takes. She flirts hardcore with him, to the point that I'm like this is unprofessional and inappropriate lol. Like she starts a convo with him by looking over his shoulder and reading something he's writing. Um, don't ever look over my shoulder and read anything I'm doing??? BUT ANYWAY HOW CLINT AINT KNOW SHE WAS A SPY BITCH?! COME ON NOW!!! She was going hard in the paint via flirting with his dusty ass, but I guess he think he sew GQ so of course she'd be risking getting fired? To engage in inappropriate banter with a dude who wears aviator shades and has a feathered hairdo?? Um, girl...I guess.
CLINT GETS OFF THE PLANE AND THEN OUTSIDE JEMIMA IS IN A TAXI WAITING FOR HIM? And still nothing is sus to you? Okay. So she and Clinty do the smush smush, then the next morning Clint wake up and his money and shit is gone. NO DUH!!! I actually think Dragon didn't tell Clint about the climbing thing until Jemima stole from him and he actually sent her to seduce Clint so she'd take his money so Dragon could have his attention and tell him about the limp guy? Again, no....idea. And I just don't care. But blah blah, Jemima show back up at Clint's like?? She wasn't working for Dragon and didn't steal money from him? And then got mad when Clint called her a whore or something? She was genuinely tryna be his bae and it was really weird because you were totally dishonest from the jump, but also just met him yesterday? Like, she's hot enough to pull that off, but still lol. It was weird how like offended, and taken aback she was at Clint being upset and dismissing her? Very strange lol.
So Clint--Wait, can we talk about how Clint explains to Jemima his old spy friends or whatever? How one of the friends betrayed them. Then points to one guy, Ben, and says he's his bestie. Jemima's delusional ass is like Friends, Enemies, Where Do I Fit In? UM, YOU JUST MET HIM YESTERDAY AND ROBBED HIM???????? But anyway, forget Jemima's pretty ass being clearly insane, when Clint was talking about his buddies I immediately knew Ben was the one he was after? Lol. ummm. I'm not gonna act like I was totally sure, because I'm slow and dumb, but I was pretty sure, so it was awkward how Clint was going to Ben's to train and being like Ur My Best Friend the whole time. Smh.
George Kennedy's way too tan ass plays Ben and is all, like, earnest. Overly so? Like clearly you're the murder dude Clint has to kill but anyway. Ben assigns his daughter George to help train Clint and I think she's supposed to be Native and also never speaks? And also Clint is like BUT UR A GURL when Ben says she'll help him train? Smfh, but can we talk about how George isn't introduced as Ben's daughter so spoiler alert that's revealed towards the end after Keyser Söze gets exposed and ~confesses~. But like, if Ben is such a gr8 friend of Clint's how cum he don't know he had a daughter? BUT ANYWAY!!
So when Dragon was telling Clint about the mission, he mentions how one of their friends was the one who delivered the messaged for the murder or whatever. This dude named Miles, played in the most zesty, offensive ass way. You see, Miles is GAY!!!! He comes to see Clint, to plead for his life pretty much. He's like, I know who the guy is you want to kill and I'll tell you in exchange for you not murdering me. Miles' dog is named Faggot, so Clint is like No. Nah, that's not the reason he kills him, but it'd be mine. CAN WE TALK ABOUT Clint beating up Miles' bodyguard? This dude was jacked. SPARE ME!!!! Also, can we talk about how Clint never got the info from Miles? Smh...why not? He coulda lied to Miles and told him he wouldn't kill him, got the inf, then dropped his ass in the middle of the desert. STUPID!
It should've been MAD FUCKING OBVIOUS Ben was The One, when they were checking into the hotel for the climbing thing and they didn't have a room for him. Oh, the ground man of the climbing expedition doesn't have a room? Oh, okay! Yeah right! But Clint looking at the other dudes on the climbing trip like, HM WHO IS IT. Smh, none of them? There are some Germans and Swedes maybe? Maybe a Jew? I forgot they were all pretty irrelevant. I think the Nazi one was maybe interesting. He was like really cocky and a douche when they went climbing. He'd like go up ahead without checking on the climbers behind him. But anyway, I never thought any of these dudes was the killer. They were too irrelevant in the grand scheme. But it was wild how they ALL got killed tryna climb that mountain. Like, I'm fucking screaming? Lol Clint the only one that survived? SUS.
Clint about to die on the mountain and Ben is there to save him. He throws a line to him that Clint has to tie around his body, then Ben instructs him to cut his other line, so they can pull him in. It was funny how Clint was deliberating. Because he saw the limp so knew it was Ben at this point. He was like You're limping, Ben. It would've been a good moment if this whole movie wasn't completely ridiculous. And I get it was meant to be sort of funny, but it was funny mostly to me in ways they did not intend, so...
The ending was sort of anti-climatic? Ben ~confesses~ and explains that maybe he betrayed his friends to get help for his daughter, George, who used to be a drug addict? Lol um, so? You got someone murdered? And also almost Clint? But shrug. Clint just like gets over it. And Ben is kind of like So, We Cool? And Clint kind of just looks at him, but then is like Maybe. Um. But you left Miles to die and I don't think he even actually committed a murder??? Lol is it cuz he was gay? Smh. Miles did have lipgloss on, though. So though his murder was basically a hate act, he did kind of deserve to die for wearing lip gloss..... That's just how it is. Maybe it's not right, but it is...what it is.......
Um, do I want to get into all that shit about how the mission was a "fraud" and just done for show something something nuclear codes????? And how that kind of ruined any suspense the climbing expedition might've had? NO, LET'S IGNORE THAT WE ALREADY WENT OVER HOW GOOFY THIS MOVIE IS. But can we talk about how at the end of the movie Jemima was angling to still be Clint's bae? And then he told her to get two tickets so they could go home together? Um? Lol, I guess. This movie was bad lol. Like, just straight up, not...good. But I was still entertained, sigh. I'm so predictable. Dragon wouldn't slither his tongue and flash his red eyes at me :/
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