This movie fucked up right off the bat by trying to have me believe someone would legitimately want a doll that looks like that^, and not be doing a joke. And that if someone wanted that doll, and told their husband/partner about it, that their husband/partner would not immediately leave/divorce them.
But okay. For certain movies, you are expected to susped your disbelief. lol, no. No, I don't think so. Especially for horror films. I think in order for something to be legitimately scary, you have to believe it'll happen to you. Do I believe I would ever really want a dusty, emaciated looking ass doll like that and mention it to my boo and he/she bought it for me and I was excited to get it????? Never mind believing some ugly ass doll I totally wanted omg becomes possessed and like tries to take my baby's soul or whatever. First of all, I would never have a boo lol, and if I did, they probably wouldn't buy me things. I'd totally end up with someone really cheap and/or broke and/or a communist. So, again, right off the bat, you got me fucked up in a thousand different ways and I'm just not buying anything you're selling, fam. But okay, let me write a overly rude recap anyway for no reason!!
So Grace from Peaky Blinders is here playing a woman, and some white ass nigga is playing her husband. Grace is pregnant and she looks ridiculous. Like Cameron Diaz playing a pregnant bitch ridiculous. She's all thin with this like fucking perfectly round basketball under her dress. Like, come on, but okay. Grace and her husband are at church or some shit and there's some neighbor bitches. We find out the neighbor bitches lost their daughter. She ran away to a cult. The whole time Grace is like rubbing her belly and bragging about how fucking pregnant she is and I'm like "...this is sort of rude, right? To be like talking about your impending baby to people whose daughter dipped on them??" And then later, Grace even asks her husband, "Was it rude for me to be talking about our baby when they lost a kid?" and her white nigga husband is like "haha it's not like their kid died!! She ran away to a cult haha!!" And then I was like "lol yeah u right".
When Grace and her super-white husband get home from church, he just opens the door like ":DD". It was unlocked. Grace is like, "Shouldn't you be locking the door?" Like, hello. We're not on the set of Leave it to Fucking Beaver, fam. Grace's husband is like, "This is a safe neighborhood :DD". Grace is like "um...times are changing..." Yes, during this period of time, white people were finally being terrorized. By other white people in cults. The vegans or whatever. Lock your doors, these non-meat eaters are hungry and rabid!!!
So what even was this thing with the unlocked door?? OHHH. Maybe it foreshadowed when...oh, fine. I guess?? So, anyway, before Grace and her husband get attacked by those cult members spoiler alert, there's a bunch of boring talking shit happening with them, concerning their baby or whatever. It's really boring and I'm like "......". I hate when horror movies have that like calm, sort of monotonous beginning, trying to get you comfortable or whatever so they can jump scare the shit out of you later. Nah, just give me cheap, shitty scares from minute one to minute done, okay, pals??? Thanxxx.
Grace's husb gives her that fucking ugly ass doll. They got in a fight or some shit, probably about him being casual as fuck not locking doors and shit. Or, no, he had said something about how he was stressed about medical school and becoming a father at the same time. AND SHE HAD THE AUDACITY TO GET AN ATTITUDE ABOUT IT! uh, hellllooo!! Medical school is all hard and shit and time-consuming and shit and soooo is fatherhood!!??!?! Wtf??? But anyway!! The hubby gives Grace the doll sooner than he planned because of that dumb ass fucking little fight they had. This doll is so fucking ugly and trash and malnourished and a bitch and I hate it and how dare you ask me to believe ANYONE would want that shit, even as a joke or comedy laugh. Even as, like, a sarcasm. NO. Grace is like "omg it's all I ever wanted!!!!!" -_- She puts that ugly shit up on a shelf with a collection of other super fucking ugly dolls. At least there was a black one. Representation~.
Then after this, these two cult crackheads break into their house and try to kill them. It took me forever to realize the woman one was the neighbors bitches' daughter. I actually...still am not 100% sure it's her. I thought it was just some random neighbors??? Like why did Grace and her male friend not care even one iota about their neighbor friends being murdered? lol, like, they never even talk about them. I get they probably weren't besties, but you'd at least exchange a few words about it. Like, "wow that was fucked up what happened to those ppl that lived next door to us", or they'd at least talk shit about her trash daughter??? So weird. Or, I guess, maybe they were just consumed with their own problems/trauma from the event. Sigh, fine. So anyway, those cult crackheads break into the house. I...a little thought this was scary? Like...the daughter one sort of walking through the house. Like, that's scaryish. But then they had to get extra with her jumping out of nowhere with knives and shit. It was...trying too hard or something. But I definitely thought there were some legitimate scare moments coming from the two cult members that were actually authentically scary, even though most of their shit was like really forced with their crazy cracked-out makeup and shit. Like, when Grace spots the woman and she's all "I like your doll or whatever" and we just see Grace looking scared/shocked. I was like "jknrjtwnuinuangwim". Then that man one came out of the closet or whatever. And then the moment went overboard with Grace getting stabbed in her fucking pregnant belly. Like, you're just doing too much. I don't need all of that. Why couldn't they have just stretched out the creepiness of Grace discovering these people in her house? But then I guess you have to solve how to get rid of them. Lightbulb, have them go ham and the police bust in and one of them slices their throat open!!! Like, you could've just made a movie about the Manson murders and that would've been maybe scary?? Oh, but this is about some fucking doll sigh oh so I guess I have to cover what happened in the rest of the movie that shouldn't have even happened like they should've just focused on the cult members, that would've been something different and cool maybe but they didn't so sigh.
Grace's baby is okay, even though she was stabbed in the fucking stomach. Her doc is like "pressure on the cervix blah blah" and puts her on bed rest. Except she's like never in bed?? She's always up and moving about??? Some shit starts happening with the doll. I guess if you're someone who is afraid of dolls, this movie is prob legit scary. But how many people fear dolls? Is that a huge phobia?? Like, I guess so??? But dolls aren't scary to me. They can be creepy, I guess? And sometimes they look like they have recording devices in their eyeballs, but never will I ever be afraid that a doll is going to murder me. And probably most people wouldn't be?? So the filmmakers are like sigh okay well fine the doll is haunted - now what??? The doll gets haunted because blood from that crazy cult bitch spilled into its eye. I mean... THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE EVEN A LITTLE BIT OF LOGICAL SENSE, THOUGH??? Like, even a little bit. How does blood falling onto a porcelain doll...like...I see how blood mixing with other blood...I can see that. A crazy demon bitch gets her blood into the papercut of an innocent girl scout or some shit and the girl scout becomes possessed. Okay, cool. Dumb, but okay. I just really can't wrap my big fucking head around blood spilling from a human onto a doll and then the doll becoming like infected with the human blood. Dolls can't get AIDS! I mean, I wish, but it's just not realistic. It's not even a little bit realistic. I need like, just a little bit of realism, please. It has to feel like it'd really happen!! Or, at least those are my annoying requirements. And all movies should be made based upon my requirements for how movies should be made thank you sweetie :))))
So whatever, shit starts poppin' off with the doll. It's like moving in weird places, creaking in the rocking chair and shit. Grace is walking around the house feeling weirded out by it. She tells the husband they should get rid of it, saying how that crazy cult bitch died with it in her arms. QQ: Why didn't the police or whoever bag the doll as evidence???? Was their home not a crime scene??? And the doll part of that crime scene?? Très confused, but okay. Whatever, the husband throws the doll away. Finally. Later, he leaves to go to some doctor conference and I was like "oh boy here we go". Before he dipped off to have an affair probably, he left one of those popcorn things with the handle things on the stove. So of course the stove will mysteriously turn on by itself and start popping the popcorn. And of course the house will burst into flames while Grace is in the bedroom smiling dumbly at soap operas while using a sewing machine and not even paying full attention to it so of course she gets her finger caught in the needle and then she smells burning and it's like ahhh fire!! And of course everyone from the neighborhood bursts into her house for some reason and saves her from the fire and she gives birth to her fucking basketball and everything is rainbow and sunshine and smiles. Grace tells her husband she doesn't want to go back to that house anymore due to how it's all burned up and haunted or whatever, and the hubby is like ":DD Don't worry :DD you never have to go :DD back there :DD again :DD" because of how he got that job in San Diego or whatever.
So they're in their new apartment with their new baby. Cooool. While they're unpacking, Grace pulls out that fucking doll. The husband for the first time is not grinning his perfectly white as katy perry's face is teeth. This time, he is frowny face. Or like that emoticon without the mouth. He's like "...what the heck? Where did that doll come from??" Grace sort of shrugs like "idk, things probably got mixed up in the fire". Hmmm, how did a doll that was thrown in the trash, end up in boxes you packed for moving??? How does a fire do that??? But okay!! Grace decides she wants to keep that ugly fucking doll that now smells like trash, because her husband bought it for her. She places it on the shelf in the nursery and it's like the centerpiece of the room and it's so tragic and horrible and the husband is like "...". But it's his own fault for buying that shit. You made your bed, now lie in it, you piece of fucking shit.
So Grace is "lalalala I'm a housewife" for a few seconds. She's walking around with her baby and shit. Alfre Woodward, the magical negro of this particular very white film, is watching Grace from a distance. You know Alfre is a magical negro even before she speaks because she's Alfre and because she's watching Grace like she can read her aura. Also, she's the only black person in the movie. Wtf else would she be, besides like, someone about to rob the fam??? But this is not that type of movie, this is the other type, so magical negro it is!!
Grace runs into not CCH Pounder while she's out walking the baby. Alfre runs some bookstore or some shit. She gives Grace a book and touches her black hand on Grace's pure white baby. I'm just like *eyeroll* hurry up and tell Grace your witch secrets already, I don't have time for this. Some shit starts happening with that doll, right? Idk who cares. Grace runs into some kids on the stairs in her apartment building and this was like my favorite scene for absolutely no reason. There's a boy and girl. Grace is walking down the stairs and the boy one is all proper like "oh, excuse me" and I instantly loved him. They're like coloring and shit. Grace is like ":)) hi, how are you? :)) do you live in the building :))??" The girl one starts to answer but the boy one is like "SHUT UP DON'T TELL HER!!" I'm like "oh.." And then Grace is like "no, it's a good rule not to talk to strangers :))" looking hella like a child predator all of a sudden. If it's a good rule, then, bitch, why are you still talking to them??? You, a stranger??? She proceeds to ask them their names and the boy one shuts the girl one up from answering. Grace is like ":)) well okay, I hope we can become friends eventually :))" The boy one is so perfect giving her this fake little smile like, "yeah, okay, bitch". I am SO PISSED we never get to see him again. True star of this film. Why did you waste my time with all this other shit when I could've spent 99 minutes just watching him sassily reject strange adults trying to strike up banal conversation with him all day??? Ugh, come on hollywood. Do better.
I feel like Grace meets Alfre after she meets these kids ugh who cares. After she returns to the apartment, she finds a bunch of their drawings scattered all over the stairs. The first one she picks up is a shitty drawing of Grace and her baby and I'm looking hard as hell at this thing for where the demon at. Where they draw the demon at?? But the first drawing is normal, but oh, there are others!! The next one Grace picks up has like a little truck drawn next to Grace and her baby and I'm like OH BOY OKAY WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? Because I'm an idiot. I needed like two more drawings for them to spell out that Grace and her baby were going to be hit by a truck or some shit. Or, just the baby, I think? I think they just drew a bunch of blood all over the baby, so it's nice they spared Grace :))
More shit starts popping off with the doll, but honestly I can barely remember what happened and in what order. The movie is sort of repetitive and obviously the scares weren't memorable. Just, weird stuff started happening in the apartment. Grace is going a little crazy. She calls that cop who handled the crazy cult members trying to kill them thing. She asks him for more info on that crazy cult bitch who died with Annabelle in her arms. Honestly, did we need the demonic cult shit? Like, it's annoying we can trace exactly how this doll ended up getting possessed. It'd be scarier if it was just randomly terrorizing her and we were ignorant to why, in my opinion. Also, the explanation is blah and demonic cult satanic blah blah is soo fucking boring and tired and done. Like, enough! So blah blah Grace finds out more info on the doll. Oh, I think the elevator thing happened before she called the cop? That was...sort of scary? She was in that storage area from Single White Female and that demon started harassing her and the elevator wouldn't take her upstairs and then that black hand reached out and scratched a cool Blink 182 insignia on her arm. I thought the black demon thing was scary? Because I'm racist? Was it that same demon thing from Insidious? Idk that black ass face is really creepy to me, due to self-hate.
Somewhere in here, Grace's husband is continuing the affair he started at the beginning of the movie and not really around to help her. Grace seeks the help of the Latino priest - because of course - and Alfre and her spiritual books or whatever. Her books about demons and shit. Alfre starts telling Grace about ghosts and demons and blahburmoekoe. She has a scar going down her wrist. Grace sees it, so Alfre is forced to explain. Apparently Alfre was really tired one night while driving her and her daughter home from some family gathering this is entirely irrelevant. There was an accident, Alfre's daughter died, she didn't. Alfre tried to kill herself because she felt she had nothing to live for, but her daughter's ghost voice popped up like "lol nah you trippin'". Actually, she told Alfre G-d had another plan for her. And that plan ultimately turned out to be sacrificing her soul for a pure white angel baby to live and grow up to become some bitch who gets to work the front at Hollister. Can't wait. The latino priest fares slightly better. He takes the doll home to his church house and is attacked by the cult member's spirit. I thought he was going to die, but he lived for no reason because they had him at the end giving Grace that pic he took of her and her baby earlier in the movie and I thought that photo would hold some significance but it didn't??? It was just a normal nice pic of Grace and her dumb baby??
Do I even want to talk about all that extra shit that happened with the demon writing all over the wall of the baby's nursery and FAKE DEAD BABY and Alfre jumping out the window even though two seconds prior she was telling Grace to get down??? NOPE I DON'T.
Let's talk about the very ending where the mom of one of those meek nurse bitches is in some store, seeking a gift for her. She's telling the shopkeeper like "I'm looking for a gift for my daughter. She loves to help people. She's a nurse." Hmm, why is that relevant? Also, who cares??? Then she spots the Annabelle doll and it looks all fucked up and dirty and shit because it's been through hell and back, but, most importantly, was in a fucking garbage can. CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THE PRIEST AT THE END WAS LIKE ANNABELLE WOULD NEVER STOP HARASSING PEOPLE OR WHATEVER? THAT HE JUST HOPED WHOEVER GOT IT NEXT WOULD GET THE HELP THEY NEEDED????? WHAT?!?!? DESTROY THE DOLL?!?! WTF?!?!!??!?!
So that nurse bitch's mom buys the doll and then we get The Conjuring.
Please stop.
Pl
e
ase.
s t
o
p.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Hey