Masterpiece of Shit Theater, Episode 4: Heartless (2009)

I...

There were a few seconds when the movie first started that I thought, "Hmm, this might actually be something." I don't know why the fuck I thought that. Something with...maybe...piano tinkling...and Jim Sturgess taking photographs in a hoodie?? But that was literally like less than two seconds of me thinking that, because as the opening scene continued with Jim taking more pictures in his hoodie, concealing one whole side of his face the entire time, and the piano tinkling intensified, I was like "ugh, neverfucking mind." 

I had no expectations going into this film. Well, actually, I assumed it'd be not-good. The description I read of it sounded sort of dumb?? Mostly supernaturally stuff is to me?? I think I was initially interested in this movie because I saw a trailer of it ages ago and Jim had the Port-wine stain thing going on and it seemed like it was sort of a creepy film and so both of those things made me be like "okay, add to the imdb watchlist." I have like 6,000+ movies in my imdb watchlist??? I'm sort of wondering how weird it is to utilize imdb as much as I do? Like, I haven't gone as far as to get a premium account or anything, but that's only because I'm poor. Like, if I had money I'd totally get one and then I could get Shia Labeouf's fan mail address and send him letters written on Lisa Frank stationary. But anyway!! I vaguelyish had designs on eventually seeing this movie and recently I did and I regret fucking everything :')

So, Jim is playing some lame ass named Jamie. He's all...ugh. I guess the movie wants us to assume he's all introverted and awkward and self-conscious because of the birthmark on his face. Jamie thinks he's a freak. I feel like to write a character like this...it's coming from a really sort of shallow, ignorant place, maybe? I mean, is it really all that serious to have the birthmark Jamie has? Are people really looking at him like he's fucking Rocky Dennis or something? And, to definitely be shallow here myself, Jim Sturgess is an attractive dude. Like, the stain/birthmark shouldn't even matter if your...foundation or whatever is hot. It'd be one thing if his skeletal outline was fucked up and he also had the birthmark. But that's not the case. He's a cutie pie with a fucking birthmark and it's just never going to ever be that fucking serious for him to be skulking around in the shadows acting like that monster on Penny Dreadful, who also, by the way, isn't even really horrifying looking???? And okay! Jamie has a birthmark and he's self-conscious about it. Fine. Self-esteem takes a lot of work, fine fifniene. But he's had this all his life. You'd think, as an adult, he'd have gotten used to it by now, right??? He's walking around acting like he went to sleep yesterday with a perfect face and woke up this morning looking like that nigga who used to be the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch. 

this dude

this nigga, Mike Jeffries

hi

Jamie is not even 1/196th as ugly as Mike Jeffries. If Mike Jeffries can walk around confident as fuck telling ugly and fat people not to wear his clothes, why can't Jamie, hmmmm????

So I was just instantly annoyed with how Jamie was acting. Also, Jim Sturgess was playing his self-consciousness really dumbly??? Like, his mouth was always open???

Here's a shitty example of what I am talking about. Like, his mouth...his mouth was always open lol. It was very mouth-breathery and it just made his already grating-on-my-nerves character that much worse? Close your mouth, boy. 

Also his crying was gross. Look at this^. Gross. Why is his mouth like that? Is it just Jim Sturgess' mouth?? I don't like it. Lol I love how I was lambasting Jamie for not having any self-esteem and I'm being cruel and shallow as fuck going in on poor not-Ben Barnes for no reason at all whatsoever except I really disliked all his acting choices in this movie and a little bit it made me never want to see him in any movies ever again :)))????

Jamie takes pics for his bro, I think? I guess his bro has some photography business ugh who cares. Jamie also lives with his mum played by Ruth Sheen and I sort of wish Mike Leigh had directed this? First of all, most of what happened, wouldn't have??? And maybe I'd get some Lesley Manville?? Like she could've replaced Clémence Poésy?? Already my fake Mike Leigh version is a thousand times better than this shit?? And if Mike had directed this, the shitty soundtrack would have been 100% nullified. Like, what the fuck was up with the soundtrack?? WHAT WAS UP WITH THOSE WEIRD RANDOM MOMENTS WHEN JAMIE WOULD JUST BE RANDOMLY HAVING SOME EMOTIONAL MONOLOGUE?? LIKE WHEN HE WAS AT THE BAR WITH NOEL CLARKE AND JUST BLAH BLAH GOING ON ABOUT HOW LONELY HE IS OR SOME SHIT AND YOU COULD SEE NOEL'S FUCKING EYES GLAZING OVER WHILE THAT PIANO TINKLING SWELLED IN THE BACKGROUND???? WHERE WAS THE DIRECTION IN THAT SCENE???? TELL JIM TO NOT BE SO TERRIBLE. TELL NOEL TO LOOK LIKE HE'S ACTUALLY PRESENT AND LIKE HE DOESN'T WANT TO DIE. KILL WHOEVER CURATED THE SOUNDTRACK.  

So :) anyway :)) There's some shit going on...in the streets? Like, some gang or some shit and they keep molotov cocktailing up people on the street or some shit?? Fast forward to Jamie's mum getting molotov cocktailed

and Jamie looking like this while it happened. Way to help your mum, Jamie. You're a useless piece of trash. Lol, no, I guess?? You couldn't have?? done?? anything?? lol 

After Jamie's mommy dies, his bro and the nephew go to Disneyland or some shit? Fuck, idk. There's something going on with the nephew played by whom I thought was Harry Treadaway but actually it's Luke and I realize I still can't tell them apart :) Even though for some reason Harry is my favorite??? How can I have a fave Treadaway twin when I don't even know which is which. Like, which one was in Fish Tank? Luke, right? Watch I go check right now and it says Harry. Yo! FUCKING HARRY!! It says Harry and I thought it was Luke!! OKAY, HARRY IS IN PENNY D, RIGHT? IF I LOOK AND IT SAYS LUKE I'M. GOING. TO. SCREAM. Okay, whew. Harry. So, it's totally approp that Harry is my fave?? Wait, which one was in Pelican Brief or whatever the fuck that movie was called. Ugh if it's Luke I'll cry. Oh, okay, it's Pelican Blood, and that was totally Harry, yes!!! And Luke was in Public Sex which I hated and I'm glad that wasn't Harry!! Ugh, but Luke is in Unbroken. How do casting people decide which twin to cast?? Or maybe they don't audition for the same things lol yeah probably not. How awkward would that be? Like, lol, why would you audition for a role your bro whom you look exactly like was auditioning for?? They only need one?? And that's considering they even want one??? But if I had an actor twin I would totally audition for all the stuff they were auditioning for and try to be better than them in my audition because I'm petty and a piece of shit :') Also I'd kill my twin. There's only room for one :") I love how deeply I am refusing to review this actual trash of a film :'))) 

So fast forward to Jamie meeting that weird ass demon dude???

He has like a lizard claw or some shit??? Lowkey, he amused me, but also he made me feel a deep itching inside of my body. Half a good itch, half a bad itch, you know??? No??? Right. 

So...this guy basically explains that...idk...he's like a chaos master?? Fuck, idk, ughhhhh. But longstory short, Jamie's mom had to die. Also, Jamie can get his birthmark removed if he promises to become an agent of the devil, or a chaos theory employee or some fucking shit. The thing is, demon lizard guy is saying that people come to him and ask to be rich, famous, etc, and he gives them jobs to do. They have to cause some small or large bit of chaos in return. Okay, got it. Jamie gets it, too, pretty much. Why then, does he decide, "alright, I'll work for the devil if you take my birthmark away."???hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..........................................................mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmOh, real quick, I forgot the demon lizard guy WAS NAMED PAPA B. I thought that was just what his random little Indian daughter called him. But I guess his actual character name is Papa B??? And?? What's up with the little Indian girl, Belle???? More on that later ugh.mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Why. If Jamie can ask for anything, does he simply settle to have his birthmark removed? I get he thinks removing it is the key to unlock all his problems away or whatever, but wouldn't being a billionaire be...so much better??? I mean, if I'm selling my soul to the devil, I'm going big on my three wishes lol. I'm pretty sure if you ask Papa B to give you a billion dollars, you can find some doctor to laser your birthmark away?? And then after that's done you still have a ton of fucking money left oveR???? FUCKING STUPID!!

Papa B says that in return for him removing Jamie's birthmark, he'll ask him to...maybe???...spray some graffiti on some walls or whatever. Papa B says he's had people kill for him and shit before, but all Jamie has to do is graffiti. Belle is like "Really, Papa B??" and that should've been a huge redflag...well, actually, this whole situation is a fucking redflag. Like, why is Papa B's apartment scummy as fuck??? This nigga has all these magical powers and shit but he can't conjure up a cleaning spell or some shit??? Come on! 

So, Jamie agrees to do his little bit of chaos in exchange for Papa B making him ~~~beautiful~~~. 

This is what it looks like when Jamie is going through his transformation. Belle is like "It'll only hurt for a little bit, Jamie." Lol, this nigga IS ON FIRE. And why does it take him like so many seconds to start screaming????? Lol, this movie is highly illogical, fam. HE'S JUST STANDING THERE BURNING UP FOR AN ENTIRE MINUTE LIKE "HUH...". Come!! on!!

When Jamie wakes up from being burned alive

he looks like this^. Can this movie die, please? 

Then the burned up skin cocoon starts to shed or something disgusting.

The way Jamie peels the burned shit off his face really annoyed me. It was the same annoyance I felt in the beginning of the movie when they were hiding the birthmarked side of his face. Like, ugh, no one is on the edge of their seat for this shit, please!! And are we supposed to be happy for Jamie??? Like, wowie!!, your complexion is more even, *screaming at the top of my lungs* oh my goddddddddd!!!!!! OH MY GOD OH MY GODDDD!!!!!!! Like, no. I'm looking @ you like you're a fucking dunce cap wearing ass piece of idiot for wasting your wish on some bullshit like "make me prettier, please!!!" As if, like I already complained about before, you couldn't have made yourself prettier by gently wiping your face with a billion one dollar bills BUT OKAAAAYAAAAAAYAYYAAYAYYAYYYYY!!!!!

Belle comes into the room Jamie was rehabilitating in?? at Papa B's shitty apartment, and she gives him new clothes. She looks all nervous and shit and tells Jamie he should leave before Papa B gets back because he gets mad sometimes??? Alright, why are we supposed to care about this little girl getting abused??? I mean, child abuse is terrible, but I already don't even know why she's here in the first place, or what her purpose is??? Who is she???? Her sari game is on point, but her presence is much too confusing for me, and I already hate this movie for all its face-value bullshit, so I'm just gonna need for her to fall back and have no more lines, I think??? Like, let me deal with all the more obvious shit that I already dislike. You're just complicating shit. 

Jamie goes back home and runs into Clémence Poésy, whom he actually met earlier in the movie at his job. His bro was photographing her for a lookbook or some shit. It's implied maybe she's a prostitute trying to be a model??? Anyway, at this point in the movie she's delivering a plant to Noel Clarke's apartment?? I really didn't catch on that it was way too contrived that she'd be delivering a plant to his apartment. I guess I just thought it was contrived writing and that it wasn't supposed to be intentionally contrived. Anyway, fast forward to her and Jamie being love buddies forever and ever. Jamie is all confident about loving someone now because his birthmark is gone. Whatever. Oh, wait, in between these two dummies falling in love, Jamie gets a visit from my baby girl Eddie Marsan. 

He's the weapons master or some shit idk. He has to decide what chaos thing Jamie has to do as payment for getting his mug fixed. Or, no, actually he decides the choice of weapon??? UGGGHG. Anyway, it's revealed that Papa B actually decided Jamie would have to kill someone, take their heart out, and put it on the steps of a church by midnight. Lol, so, not totally graffiti. Jamie is all flabbergasted like "PAPA B SAID I COULD DO GRAFFITI!!!" and Eddie is all like "lol you believed that?" Exactly. ISN'T PAPA B A FUCKING DEMON OR SOME SHIT?? Graffiti. This nigga is a fucking idiot. 

Eddie takes out his weapon deciding tree branch and it points towards Jamie's room. The weapon deciding tree branch decides that Jamie has to use his dad's old knife to kill the person he has to kill and gut and shit. Jamie is all upset like "That's my dad's knife." Oh, btw, his dad is dead sigh. Anyway, he has more pressing concerns than having to use a sentimental treasure to kill someone. Like, oh, idk, having to kill someone. 

Belle shows up to encourage Jamie to complete his task when he is getting all snivelly about having to kill a guy. She's like, around, being like, "You have to do it, Jamie!!" Like, she leads him to that rent boy who's dressed as a greaser. Imdb tells me his name is Jeeko. I really wish I had known that while watching the movie. 

So one of the few good things to come out of watching this movie, was me discovering Jack Gordon. 

This is the only pic I could find of him from the movie and that's a fucking shame because seriously his sock hop bad boy ensemble was on point 100%%. He looked like he'd be a second-tier Jet. Very Italiany. Like, a little too Italiany. Like, maybe some people would confuse him for a Shark??? And that won't do. Like, he can still be in the gang cuz technically he's white, buttttt. Lol what am I doing, and why haven't they remade West Side Story yet? I would complain from day one to the minute it was quickly pulled out of theaters and sent to Redbox, but I still want it. Channing Tatum as Tony, called it! No...you misunderstand. That's not something I'd ever fucking want, I just know that is something that would happen. 

So, anyway1!!!!!! Jack Gordon!!! I loved him, he was immediately amusing and I was rooting for him not to die. I actually thought the person Jamie would have to kill would be his nephew for some reason?? I figured all his weird stuff from the beginning of the movie would come into play and somehow end up verging with Jamie's path, and his dealing with the devil??? And it did...eventually. Like, he shows up later sigh ugh but anyway Jamie ends up killing Jeeko. Are we not supposed to care about Jeek cuz he's a proz??? Support sex workers!!! Jeeko is someone who deserves to be alive; he's fucking amazing. Jamie is a wet noodle who didn't even try to work his face stain! Jeeko would rock the shit out of a face stain, this is bullshit!! 

After Jamie kills my baby Jeek, he resumes his boring ass romance with Clémence. Couldn't care less. Speed this shit up to the part where Papa B shows up to get salty at Jamie for "stealing" Belle. Belle has been essentially living with Jamie. It also became clear to me that she's a ghost or something? Like, no one can see her but Jamie and like Papa B, I guess? I assumed she was a nuisance to Jamie? Well, not a nuisance, but like, a harmlessish child ghost that has taken up residence in your home and you feel awkward asking them to leave. But when Papa B shows up and says Jamie can keep Belle, but he has to kill Clémence in exchange, I figured he'd be like "lol nah I'm good". But...he just automatically accepts that he has to kill Clémence??? Lol, he just immediately goes to do it. Like, he struggles, but he's definitely planning to do it??? Around this same time, Clémence is begging Jamie to take her to his brother's office so she can lock her photo album up in his safe. Lol, okay. At this point I realized Clémence was in some sort of cahoots with the nephew, because he'd been desperately asking Jamie to open the safe earlier. It was obvious he owed money to someone. I suspected it was a gang or some sort of mob or something, which is basically what it turned out to be. Yada yada yada, Clémence ends up dead in some cliché struggle with Luke Treadaway over a gun. Yawn. I entirely forget what happened after this??????????? Lol. Like...what happened to Luke, I have no fucking idea. Wow, I have no idea. 

ALSO I FORGOT THIS!! REMEMBER WHEN PAPA B ATE NOEL CLARKE'S FACE??!?!?!? That was truly beautiful. Like, I'm not even being sarcastic, that was a cinematic marvel. 

Eventually some stuff is summed up in the movie or explained, I guess? Not really because I still have no idea what the fuck was really going on. It sort of seemed that maybe Jamie was imagining all this shit???????? Okay?? Was he??? It's really not clear at all??? And...what was that ending?? Why did that street tuff just straight-up throw a molotov cocktail at him???? Is that what gangs do??? They just menace without any purpose? Lol, Jamie was just standing there. I feel like...maybe have a reason to kill??? Or was this movie trying to ~~~say something~~~?? Pleas.e Don ''t.