This movie was really cheesy. Like, it could have made a really good comment on race relations between the Haitians and Dominicans in the Dominican Republic, but instead they just made like a shitty non-musical version of West Side Story? With like no cool music, and the gangs don't even have cool jackets? Like.
They even had that preface ass information in the beginning of the film. Talking about how all these illegal Haitians live in the Dominican Republic, but how the two nations are connected. Like, physically. "Dos mundos, un isla" or whatever. And I was like okay, they're going to get into how Dominicans hate all black people and this film will be super-informative about how all Dominicans hate every black person lol. But, no. This was some random love story bullshit with some gang shit thrown in. Cool!!!! Except, no, this movie has been made 1.5 million times already????
I should've known what this would be by the description, and honestly I have no idea why I decided to watch it. Like what in the description of "Two brothers: 1 Haitian, 1 Dominican, fall in love with the same girl" made me think this movie would be anything but 100% ridiculous and non-good? And that summary isn't even accurate??? I mean, I guess. But if you're setting up a love triangle, can you please make the two dudes competing for the lady's affection, actual competition for each other? Rudy was such a non-thought in Jocelyn's mind, it was awkward any time he showed up to express his ~interest~ in her. It's like, "oh, you exist? 100% forgot." Like.
But let me start at the beginning! Why? Why when I hated this movie? Why do I want to put myself through the pain of recapping it?? Tbh, I really need to talk about Pedro Lee. And, like, his ponytail. No, it's too soon! Let's talk about Janvier, whom the film is mostly about.
So Janvier is Haitian and shit. He's walking around his neighborhood casual as fuck, when the immigration police roll up. Every nigga (nigga, as in, black) starts running. Janvier doesn't for some reason??? Why is he so confident?? That confidence goes away pretty quickly, though, when the police start chasing after him. Janvier's like, "I have my papers!", as if that means anything???
Janvier hides from the police in some house, and they sort of surround it and tell him to give up and come out. He sees his mom getting involved, and that prompts him to exit the house and surrender. They get all rough with Janvier, yanking him to the ground and shit. I think the main police baddie, Montilla, implies he'll let Janvier go if Janvier tells him where this drug lord dude, El Bacá, is. Janvier doesn't tell him, and then I guess Montilla is snatching him up to put him in the arrest car? Somewhere in here, Janvier's mom threatens Montilla with a machete???
She's like "let my son go and shit". Of course, she's carted away?? Because she pulled a fucking machete on some cops?? Like, that's bad ass af, but also YOU PULLED A MACHETE ON SOME COPS??? That's a machete, right? Okay, google tells me yes. I think I've been confusing butcher knives and machetes in my head for a really long time. Why am I alive? Tbh, not sure!
Janvier is taken to jail along with a bunch of other dudes who were snatched up. In the jail cell, some shit pops off. Something...about something. Tbh, I have no idea what was going on. Also, at this point in the movie, I barely know any of the characters, so it's weird for some intense fight to pop off when I don't know who I'm supposed to be caring about, and what their exact issues are. There's a Haitian going off about something. El Bacá, I think? No idea, but it becomes clear later on in the film that this dude somehow snitched. Okay. Also this Haitian snaps at Rudy...for something? I couldn't tell if it was because Rudy is Dominican and he associates all Dominicans with the gang/drug stuff El Bacá does...or...actually I interpreted this as...like, I thought Rudy was some sort of anarchist-type of individual, correct? Or am I wrong? 100%, things got lost in translation. Or, possibly I wasn't paying enough attention. Let's just say a little bit of both. Though lowkey I completely blame this movie for not being as clear as it needed to be. Anyway, a brawl pops off. Janvier a little bit steps forward to maybe help Rudy?? (Note: had no idea who Rudy was until after they were released from jail, so had no idea he was Janvier's brother in this scene.) Pedro Lee is the one who stops the fight, though. He's big and intimidating. He has a fucking ponytail thing, and it's like slick and shit. With shaved-off sides?? He is my princess. Pedro Lee says some stuff, but I forgot what it was. Probably some mess about how El Bacá is their queen bee or some shit.
Montilla shows up to the cell and Janvier asks him what they did to his mom. Montilla is like *ominous thunder sounds* "We sent her to the end of the world." He means Haiti. Doing the most for no reason lol. Also, rude.
So Janvier and Rudy are released from jail. When they walk out of the jailhouse, their dad is sort of just standing there. I think he asks them what happened? Do I have to explain the ~family dynamics~? Ugh. The dad is Dominican. Rudy's mother was Dominican, presumably, and Janvier's mom is Haitian. The dad claims Rudy more than he claims Janvier, for obvious reasons. Also, Janvier is the product of an affair. As far as I can tell at this early point in the movie, Janvier and Rudy don't really speak. I don't know how old they are. Rudy is pretending to be in college, so he's late-teens, early twenties. Janvier seems slightly older, but honestly they could be the same age. Rudy has a younger sibling whose gender I was unable to determine. Definitely the subtitles were fucked-up, maybe? Because Rudy's like, "I told you to stop letting her go under there", then calls the kid "him" on other occasions, and also the kid's name is Charlie?? I mean, it doesn't matter. But also it does??? Anyway, after the dad asks them what happened, at the jail, both Rudy and Janvier sort of ignore him?? I also assumed Rudy didn't speak much with his dad, so it was weird as hell to find out later that he lives with the dude. Like, they have a very sort of antagonistic relationship, and the bold-ass way Rudy would come at him really made me think he lived outside of the house lol. How is this nigga getting big with his daddy when he's still living under his roof?? That's some white people shit. Which I guess a lot of Dominicans think they are???? lol can I leave Dominicans alone please like enough!!
Janvier is really concerned with getting his mom back to DR. He calls her and she tells him not to worry, to let his dad take care of him. But I think Janvier sort of ignores this and is worried about money? Like he does little odd repair jobs here and there, but it's not enough. I think the tailor Janvier hangs with also tells him to look to his dad for help. Somewhere in here, Pedro Lee shows up to poach Janvier and have him come work for El Bacá, who is maybe Big Pun???
???
First I have to talk about Jocelyn's ass ugh. Not, like, her actual butt ass. Well, her whole body. The person part. Her personality and shit. Or lack thereof ha! Jocelyn is El Bacá's sister. She's introduced being led to see him by one of his goons. It took me more time than I would have liked, to figure out she was his sister, and not concubine. El Bacá says weird things to her like, "It's you & me against the world, babe" or some creepy shit like that. Jocelyn is in fucking high school. Right? Like. She's a singer or whatever blah blah no1 cares. LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW SHE'S ONLY IN FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL. I mean, is it weird or nah? I've decided it's weird. Like when Jocelyn and her annoying brace face friend are walking and talking about boys or whatever, Rudy slides up out of nowhere into the conversation, talkin' bout sum, "Why don't you date me?" or some shit. Like, any over-18 nigga tryna get with a high school aged bitch is a W E I R D O, point blank. End of discush. Now, I hate Rudy. So a lot a bit, I want to harshly judge him. But I also apply this judgment to Janvier, whom I do not hate. I refuse to support any love story concerning Jocelyn and a nigga older than eighteen, which both Janvier and Rudy definitely seem to be. Like, neither of them are in high school, so that should be enough.
El Bacá employs Janvier as Jocelyn's bodyguard. Question: Did he not have someone following her all along? Why wait until now to get Jocelyn a bodyguard, and why get a Haitian? These queries go 100% unanswered. At Janvier's first day on the job, Jocelyn sort of attacks him with a broken bottle?? Because her dummy brother didn't tell her he was getting her a bodyguard, and she thought Janvier was following her to try to kill/rape her?? Anyway, she only ends up hurting herself with the bottle, so had Janvier been an actual murder-rapist, he would have been very successful...at it. ugh
They get to Jocelyn's house and there's some horrible ~romantic~ ~~bandaging the wound~~ scene. Because Jocelyn's dumb ass cut her hand on that bottle. For some reason, Janvier puts his mouth on Jocelyn's cut?? Like, was he sucking out venom?? idk, man. But Jocelyn is like, "...what are you doing?" in the most passive, bored fucking voice. HE'S SUCKING BLOOD OUT OF YOUR HAND AND OH, ALSO YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW HIM????? Anyway, it's supposed to be cute and romantic or whatever. Except, it's gross, and three fucking thumbs down. When Janvier leaves her house that night he's all happy and shit. Like had he cartwheeled home it wouldn't have looked out of place.
So Janvier is very excited about his new job. He gets to Jocelyn's house the next day and he's looking at some book and Jocelyn is like, "You read?" Sigh. Janvier is like, "Yes, Haitians can read, etc." Jocelyn feels all awkward and is like, "...I didn't mean it like that..." Didn't you, though??? So Janvier has like an attitude at this point because he feels offended. So, naturally, he asks for a glass of water. Then there's this awkward moment where we, the audience, are forced to watch Jocelyn watch Janvier not quickly enough gulp a glass of water. After Janvier hands the glass back to Jocelyn, she immediately goes to furiously wash it. lol, why is this movie suddenly that episode of Girlfriends when Joan's friend Kimberly Elise had AIDS and she cut her finger or something on one of Joan's knives while chopping food and even though Kimberly Elise explained the rules of HIV/AIDS earlier in the episode, that you can't catch AIDS from a knife that had AIDS BLOOD on it, as long as you wash it, Joan still threw it in the garbage. Lol, but then I think she takes it back out and puts it in the dishwashing machine. And I guess that same sort of thing happens here with Jocelyn. Like, at first she's preparing to scrub the shit out of that glass Janvier used, but then she feels weird and stops??? lol, but, like, being black and having AIDS are not synonymous. And it's not like Janvier cut his lip on the glass?? Maybe she thought he had ebola? Sigh.
Later, Janvier is reading a book by a Haitian writer. He's all, "Yes, Haitians write, too." She pulls up a fucking chair and asks him to read her aloud a passage from the book. Get out of here, but okay. He begins to read. It's some lame, basic shit about love. Like, the scene is sort of.......intimate? The moment? It's unearned. Also, Janvier is bashful about his reading for no reason, and passes the buck to Jocelyn. She reads a passage aloud. It's gay af. No, I wish. I wish it was gay af. This moment is whack, but whatever, they're ~*~falling in love~*~.
One day, Jocelyn wants to go clubbing with her annoying ass friend. Janvier is like, "El Bacá wouldn't like that..." Jocelyn's like, "I want to live my life!!!! I want to be free!!! If I'm a bird you're a bird!!!" as if her brother isn't some psychoticish violent gangster who told that ass to stay in the house, so maybe that's what the fuck she should do. Anyway, Jocelyn and Brace Face head off to the shantytown's most poppin' mud hut to get their turn up on uggggh. At some point a button pops off Janvier's shirt, so also his shirt pops off??? I must note that at possibly several instances, Brace Face mentions how she'd totally fuck Janvier if he wasn't Haitian, and how he was super-hot for a Haitian. Bitch, you're black, too. Gain some self-respect, and lose the metal mouth, ho. I mean, honestly! #anti-braces blog.
At the turn up function, Rudy approaches Jocelyn and gets all handsy and snatchy with her. Let's talk about how we're like forty minutes into the film and Rudy's barely been around, only to turn up randomly as an extra in the party scene and demand Jocelyn pay him attention. lol, okay. Also, are we supposed to really, really hate Rudy? You don't know how to write love triangles, screenwriter. Janvier comes out to Jocelyn's defense and a brawl breaks out. Some nigga comes out to blast a shotgun in the air, effectively dissolving the skirmish. We never see this cool dude with a bald head and a shotgun for no reason again. Is after this when Janvier is walking Jocelyn home and it starts to rain so he takes her to his place and she rudely/dumbly asks "You live here?" and then they have sex and I'm like "..."??? And remember how Jocelyn was telling some sad story about her mom and Janvier shut her up by putting his lips on her lips????? Let's skip over that whole mess and refocus on Rudy but actually maybe more so Pedro Lee because I hate Rudy so much, even though he sort of looks like a Dominican versh of Shia Labeouf, maybe?
Maybe????? Or am I just always looking for Shia in other people and Rudy actually probably looks nothing like him?? The latter probably ugh decapitate me, please!! Like is it just me or does Paul Newman look exactly like Shia??? And also Dustin Hoffman, right??? And Jeremy Allen White, 100%%%%. And Miles Teller a little too, non??? In summary, all white people look alike. And Shia Labeouf is patient zero. But what am I doing rn?
So, anyway, I hate Rudy! At some point, while Janvier and Jocelyn are all entwined in their gross romance, Montilla, the police colonel dude, approaches Rudy, and asks him to help him find El Bacá. He suggests Rudy get the information from Janvier. I forgot what blackmail Montilla had on Rudy to get him to work for him, but he agrees. And he seems almost giddy to befriend Janvier, only so he can ultimately betray him. You know, I thought...Rudy and Janvier would eventually become best buds??? Like, I wanted them to eventually have a cute broship...but that never happens? What an ugly movie lol. Like, for no reason! But can we talk about how...I don't understand what Rudy's "plan" was. He tells Janvier he knows Pedro Lee is up to something; running his own drug deal behind El Bacá's fat back. Right...what does that have to do with...him getting information on El Bacá's whereabouts? Oh...is it because--like, is he implying that Janvier is betraying El Bacá by working on the outside deal with Pedro Lee, so what's the big deal with him also giving up El Baca's location? I mean...why would Janvier tell you anything? You saying you know about the Pedro Lee thing...means nothing? Like, what are you gonna do - tell on them? Get out of here, Rudy, please!! And also I don't understand...okay! Let's just skip to ~the ending~.
So Janvier and Jocelyn are planning on fleeing Cristo Rey and going to live a life together elsewhere, presumably in peace. BUT FIRST! Jocelyn must perform in some weird thing at her school for her drama teacher? She's wearing like a nun's habit??? It's some weird religious scene??? WHY...WHY DON'T THEY JUST IMMEDIATELY LEAVE?? I...so my caps-shouting is stemming from when I thought Janvier was the one who stole from El Bacá. And I'm yelling @ the screen like WTF??? WHY IS THIS BITCH STOPPING TO SING SONGS AND SHIT???? But even knowing now that Janvier wasn't the one who stole, and had no immediately pressing reasons to run, I still found it odd that Jocelyn went to go perform? Like, she was leaving?? So??? That performance would ultimately mean nothing to you, as you wouldn't even be there to receive the results of your audition thing or whatever?? I just???
So, whatever, someone stole from El Bacá. It's blamed on Janvier. I am confused why...no one was looking at Pedro Lee, and also why Pedro Lee was acting like...he hadn't been doing business behind El Bacá's back??? Like, did I miss something? Did Pedro Lee just play this shit lowkey as fuck? But...why was he up in that dude's place like WHERE'S THE STUFF?? if he was the one who stole from El Bacon? Lol, who stole the shit?? Rudy, right? But someone else was involved as well, no? Were he and Pedro Lee in cahoots? So confused, and yet, I don't really care at all??
So all this commotion happens with El Bacá chasing after Janvier and slapping Jocelyn etc etc skip to El Bacá being shot bang bang he's dead. During all this stuff going on, Janvier flees by jumping into a river or some shit and swimming away. Rudy and Montilla are at the commotion...the place where all the commotion commenced and El Bacá gets shot and Janvier pretends he's on like the DR Olympic swim team or some shit. Rudy assesses the damage like, "The Haitian got away." Why...is he like this??? And why does he seem like he really enjoyed helping Montilla? Ugh, he's trash.
There's a funeral for El Bacá and it's trash and embarrassing and everyone has on jeans and people start cheering "El Bacá lives!! El Bacá lives!!" as if he wasn't Scarface with very obviously not a cocaine problem. #fatjoke. Jocelyn is crying and being dramatic for no reason. Like, her brother was a pos, who cares if he's dead??? lol, like, come on. Later at her house, Jocelyn is just lying in bed, crying. Rudy comes by to see her. She asks if he knows anything about Janvier. He's like, "Pretty sure he's dead!" Like, Rudy, pal. Give it a rest. Then he basically proposes marriage to Jocelyn, saying he wants to take care of her and shit. She responds by turning away from him on the bed. Rudy takes a hint for once and leaves. He has on all these shiny, new tacky clothes. He gets into the car with his squad. We are to assume he's the new El Bacá? lol, good luck with that.
We find out Janvier's been hiding out at his tailor friend's place. His dad sends him money for a ticket back to Haiti. He's had a talk with Montilla, and Montilla agrees they'll leave him alone as long as Janvier leaves. I assumed Janvier would go back to Haiti, because it makes fucking sense. Everyone in Cristo Rey wants him dead, so. But no! He sends Jocelyn a note telling her to meet him at one of the shack houses, and then he proceeds to walk right into the middle of a tussle with Rudy and Pedro Lee. Yo, who stole from El Bacá?? lol. Because...Pedro Lee is 100% acting like he's been wronged. I guess Rudy stole all of it. But he said he got another Haitian to help him. WHO?? Ugh worthless. This movie, I mean.
Whatever, Janvier starts fighting Rudy and Pedro Lee. Pedro Lee tries to get buck, Janvier machetes him to pieces and I'm like ".......what am I watching????" So a little bit I'm thinking Janvier has won the fight, but then coward ass Rudy comes out of nowhere and shoots Janvier sigh. Like, of course. Rudy is the worst ugh. Like, WHY. Why are you so bitter and such a hater? Are you like this because your name is Rudy? Tbh, I'd be bitter and hateful, too, if that was my fucking terrible name. I understand you now. Still hate you, though. ;)
So, whatever, Janvier dies. Jocelyn is like crying on his dead body or whatever. Fin.
Question: What was this movie? Why did it happen? Watch I get to heaven and ask based god these questions and he, like, shrugs. Lol, though, @ me being delusional and thinking I'm going to fucking heaven. like lol no noonnoon noo no
No comments:
Post a Comment
Hey