The Harvest (2013)

Oh my fucking god lol.

This movie was kind of lit?? I was not expecting this lol. I thought this was going to be some harrowing kind of drama about a couple with a sick kid and there's a dark "secret" that maybe has something to do with Huntington's disease idfk - however, nah, this movie was not the indie-ass spectacle that I was expecting. I was deceived by the casting of two of my faves: Samantha Morton and Michael Shannon. They stay in mad intense, depressing shit. I mean, I guess The Harvest was that? Lowkey this movie is really bad and ridiculous lol. It's like a shitty horror film, but cast in kind of a cool way? Like cast with good actors I mean, so it elevates the material. Actually, the material could be worse. For a horror film. It could be wayyy more dumb, but it was def the appropriate amount of malarkey. 

Wait I can't decide if this movie was bad or good. I feel...I was tricked. It def veers way more toward BAD than GOOD. Just cuz it was mad crazy lol. Like Samantha Morton's performance alone. I feel...it was so hammy and campy and over-the-top, but also really amazing and give her Oscars??? Samantha totally made this movie omg.

Okay so wait. Samantha plays a doctor married to a MALE NURSE, and they have a son Andy, who is "sick". He's like in a wheelchair and kind of incapacitated and frail-looking and all that. Right away, though, I suspected he wasn't actually ill? Or if he was, Samantha was causing him to be ill. And I got hype cuz I live for Münchausen syndrome by proxy type storylines. You never get those anymore. It's like one or two Lifetime movies happened and then people were done. Whatever. 

There's this other storyline kind of going on adjacent to Andy's. A girl's parents have just died and so she moves in with her grandparents, who are sort of neighbors to Andy and them. Natch, the girl ends up befriending Andy. WHY? I DON'T KNOW! It's crazy because she's just trolling about the woods and she stumbles upon Andy and them's house and she like sees Andy sleeping through his window and goes up to his window and looks in and he like wakes up and sees her and she runs away but then this...special child...shows up to the house again the next day? What sort of bad ass kid is this that she is spying all up in people's windows?? 

Andy doesn't give a fuck tho. This loser has NO FRIENDS! His mom don't let his ass DO SHIT! And do you think Mommy is cool with Andy being friends with Maryann?? LOL! 

Omg the first time Samantha "meets" Maryann, she's in Andrew's room playing video games with him. IT'S SO AWKWARD OMG. Samantha just stands at the door staring at Maryann and she makes it so uncomfy that eventually Maryann is like "see you later!" to Andrew and leaves omg. Never let a bitch stare you down out of a room, Maryann. You 'posed to be some little Billy Badass? Stare down that crazy bitch back!! But no I will give Maryann some slack. She's like...13? lol and Samantha is an adult fucking crazy woman. Also, a DOCTOR. Never fucking forget it.

Wait can we talk about how superior Samantha feels because she's a doctor??? And she like belittles her husband, the ex-male nurse? Yo this bitch is mad rude, salty, bitter, ugly, nasty, loony, and eternally doing the most trademarked. Like remember when she told Andrew he had to study so he wouldn't become a nurse like his "father"? BITCH!! You still have to study to become a nurse so idefk too much whatchu even talking bout?? You mad ugly and why you marry this nigga if he was such a lowly peasant?? I KNOW WHY, BITCH! CUZ AINT NOBODY ELSE WANT YOUR CRAZY ASS!! You're ashy, dusty, and you don't have any friends. Wait..am i talking about...myself sigh

Oh remember how I had just put "father" in quotes? RIGHT SO SAMANTHA (not her character's name too lazy to look but prob it says MOMMIE DEAREST THE SEQUEL on imdb) and Michael Shannon are not fucking "Andrew"'s parents. Shocker. No but like...as the movie progressed and the mom was popping off multiple times on Andy lol I was like "...does she even like this little nigga?". Like at first it just seems like she's a super-obsessed mom doing the mostest for her sick son she probably made sick, but as time went on and Andrew was fucking with Maryann more, it lowkey started to look like Samantha wanted this little nigga to die? Lol I was like...but then why r u doing all this extra shit for him if u don't even like him?

OH UM BECAUSE SHE WAS HARVESTING HIS BODY PARTS AND ORGANS AND SHIT TO KEEP HER ACTUAL REAL-LIFE SON ALIVE WHO'S ON A FUCKING RESPIRATOR OR SOME SHIT IN THE BASEMENT. Even when they revealed that dead boy in the basement...I still couldn't...decide which son was Samantha's. It was obvious from the x-rays that one was hers, and one she kidnapped. I thought they kidnapped the basement kid because he looked younger? I thought they kidnapped him so he could provide organs and blood or whatever for Andy, but then Samantha ended up loving that boy, too? ANYWAY I WAS WRONG BASEMENT BOY WAS HER REAL SON AND ANDREW'S BITCH ASS WAS THE KIDNAPPED ONE. 

bye who just kidnaps a kid? Actually she stole him from the hospital, right? Where she works? Bitch, this is against the rules, I'm sure.

Okay so the real funny part is Maryann's snoopy, bad ass finds all this out. Maryann is lowkey a g, because bitch, it wouldn't have been me sneaking all around that house. I am afraid of Samantha and don't want to die lol. But clearly Maryann doesn't give a fuck and was sneaking all up in and through their shit, tryna find the tea. 

Maryann tries to tell someone. But not even really? She vaguely attempts to tell her grandad?? And he's just like "Maybe take some time away from the computer - read a book." Right but she had receipts. Why she aint show him? I feel like Maryann did not try hard enough to contact the proper authorities to handle this situation. But let's be real, she would have been dismissed. Also prob she'd get in trouble for snoopin around their house looking at files and shit or whatever. Samantha could tell cops "Um this little bitch keeps climbing through my window and setting up scarecrows outside my house - I am being harassed". And she would totally do that! And then Maryann, as punishment, would get sent to an integrated public school. 

So Maryann takes it upon herself to take down Sam and 'em. Lol this little bitch is legitly insane. At first she tells Andrew about the whole deal. He doesn't really believe her? But Maryann leaves a news article she printed out about a kidnapped boy (his ass!!) under his pillow. Andrew reads it, then drags his limp ass down to the basement to discover his "brother". lol. Then...what happens? What tf happens after this? Idek. At some point Samantha removes part of Andrew's liver to give to the basement boy lol but I think that's before the reveal. Anyway I forgot what happens after Andrew discovers his "brother", but Sam decides it's time to take his heart out so basement boy can get it. Fast-forward to Maryann being like nope and Superman/Hulk-smashing her way throughout this home to rescue Andy away from these loons. I loved when she was beating on Michael Shannon? As if that was going to do anything and if he turned out to be more inclined toward Samantha and her plan, he wouldn't have just killed Maryann? Like I was soooo worried for this little girl like WTF IS SHE DOING. I def like how she was made to be a heroine, but she was literally like thirteen years old fighting this major battle by herself and she had not one single gun or knife. Um okay? Where they do this at? Whitesville, USA, I guess. I loved everyone's sweaters. Cozy.

Anyway, Samantha, Michael Shannon, and basement boy get burned in a fire and that's how all movies should end. But wait what's gonna happen to Andrew? How Maryann and her old ass grandparents gonna explain this mess to the cops? Lol what if they just don't say anything? Prob for the best. Wait I'm forgetting they're white. They'll be fine. Can I get a follow-up sequel where Maryann and Andrew are going to school together and she keeps roasting him in front of everyone about how he used to be in a wheelchair and was kidnapped? I need that.

I took some screenshots:

These five are from when Samantha was beating the shit out of Andy for hanging out with Maryann lol

This was so fucking funny. The way she said it. She was so tired and horrified lol. AND it happened right after that scene where Samantha was tearing Andy's ass up. This movie is a treasure.

look @ him omg