Who Killed Teddy Bear (1965)

Okay...lol, where to even fucking begin. This movie is almost a Masterpiece of Shit, but it's neither a ~masterpiece~, nor really that shit. I mean, it's bad, but not masterpiece-bad. It's too b-movie. Also this movie was kind of lowkey genuinely entertaining, which took it from "no, girl", to you squinting at it and trying to find the positives. This deserves to exist maybe. 

So the movie is about...sigh, idek. Basically, I guess, Sal Mineo harassing some bitch on the phone while he in his draws. This movie is annoying because it tries to be ~suspenseful~ and ~mysterious~, like we don't fucking know right away it's Lawrence callin' Norah up *rolls eyes*. The movie tries to make it seem like it's the Lieutenant at first. It was almost 99% obvious that it was not the cop, BUT, YO, he was mad creepy, too, right? I mean! 

1. Why he ask if Norah was a prostitute at the police station? He tried to imply she had the ~look~. What - being a woman? lol fucking bitch. Then he wouldn't give her a ride home? OKAY! That's wild because we find out his whole backstory with his wife being murdered and all that sob story bs - why would you send a vulnerable woman home in a cab instead of seeing for yourself that she gets home safe? Oh. But I think he didn't know about her secret phone calls yet. He was denying her a ride when he thought she was just some disposable whore. Then he switched it up when he found out she had some pervert shit going on that his weird, obsessed ass could salivate over. Oh, I guess now she can get a ride home, huh? Bitch. lol

2. Okay, so Norah not a prostitute - I guess that mean she a virgin? lol why? cuz she not out here with her whole fallopian tubes out, swinging them around to attract suitors? lol I know this mess takes place in the sixties, but come on now! And even if Norah is "pure", idk what business it was of the Lieutenant's? Like, why did he keep bringing it up? And why when he was being mad inappropriate and creepy in Norah's apartment did he try to say some shit like YOU VIRGINS THINK EVERY MAN WANTS A GO AT YOU?? 

First of all, playboy: the lieutenant doth protest too much. You doing the absolute most for a nigga who's supposed to be representing the anti-creep. Though I liked how the movie called him out on the fact that he was basically the same as the creeps he was studying and trying to lock up. However, I don't feel they appropriately addressed his creepy insertion in Norah's life. Yeah, sure, he's the lesser of two evils. Get strangled by Sal Mineo physically, or strangled by the cop emotionally? Which would you choose? Yeah, no. Strangled by Sal physically, yeah I fucked up on that one my bad. 

3. What was up with this nigga's grown ass looking daughter? Mommy replacement much? Am I projecting? Why was her hair always perfectly coifed when she stayed in the bed? Weird. 

So anyway, I've made a lot of mistakes. As did this movie. The number one mistake it made was coming into existence. Nah, I kid (I don't). There are some gems here. 

For instance, Sal Minny. Bae Mineo. Stop - please. I call him Baby Brando in my head. Ideky, real Baby Brando is like Tom Hardy. Sal just gives me...stocky, Roman teas I guess idk lol. I'm annoyed that Sal was killed, even though I guess his career was flatlining at that point? Please, he could've made a comeback. Some stan like me would have become a director and put his short ass in a movie. It aint over til it's over! Girl...he died. I gotta get it together smh

Anyway!! *cries* I liked Sal here in Who Killed Teddy Bear. He was creepy, but with ~layers~. I was almost lowkey rooting for him to get with Norah, until I remembered all the stalking and murdering shit - yikes. Wait, but he could've gotten with her! If he wasn't such a fucking freak. But I guess that's just it: he was. Wait, but wtf was the explanation for why he was a loon? There was some lunkhead ass backstory bullshit with him playing with his little sister, and then...some random woman walks by (I assumed it was his mom for some reason?) and Sal gets up to go fuck her?? (hope it wasn't his mom?!) and then as he's smashing this broad/his mom, his little sister sees. Fast-forward to her falling down the stairs and becoming brain damaged, I guess. Who killed teddy bear? Sal, I suppose? Nah, I blame his sister for being a clumsy bitch and falling down them stairs. Also, nosy. You was a nosy ho, and now you got mental retardation. Congratulations!! 

This movie is a trip. No pun intended!! lol anyway please end my life

Elaine Stritch is here! You ever be watching an old ass movie and go "Is that Elaine Stritch?". It's fun. You can do it with Cloris Leachman, too. I just know Elaine as being like the oldest bitch ever, so it was wild seeing her here be still the oldest fucking bitch alive lol I'm screaming. She was a joy here, though, obviously. I wondered if she was improv-ing lines? Because sometimes she would say stuff and Juliet Prowse would be awkward. Or was that just Norah being a VIRGIN and Marian being a LESBIAN??

lol can. we. talk. about. Marian rubbing all over Norah, talkin' bout some "let it out, baby"??? That was WILD!! lol ideky. It just was. BUT I'M MAD THE LESBIAN GOT MURDERED 2.2 seconds after revealing herself. lol, this movie refused to keep the Scissor Sister alive. Smh, be more cliché, honestly. 

Aight, my stupid ass is about to post up some pics I screenshot/stole from the interwebs. Who reads this blog? How much pain are you in? I hope it's a lot.

Girl... Norah and Lawrence dancing was the worst, most awkward, seizurey ass shit I dun ever saw. Like, I'm upset. You expect me to take this movie seriously with this mess up in here? WRONG! 

LAWD! When...omg lol. I'm still laughing. Lt. Dave slapping THE FUCKING SOUL out of Lawrence is the wildest shit I have ever seen in a movie. I take back what I said about Marian being a lesbian and rubbing her lesbian germs on pure, innocent snow angel Norah. This^ was the ultimate wildest shit. He was slapping this nigga around so violently I thought he was gonna start pooping. He probably did. That's prob why he ran out like a little bitch. But what was the gunshot as the movie ended? It could've been any gunshot. What kind of misuse of Chekov's gun smh. Also, what's up with the title song? Why would you make a creepy ass song like that? Imma just need for all the sixties to be deleted. What a throwaway decade. 

What was up with this deaf/mute bodyguard person for the nightclub? It was really random. Was it just the movie's many pieces of flair? Like how the lieutenant had a nanny for his daughter just so the bitch could bring her some water even though he right there and could get it for her himself??? I guess he too busy being creepy and listening to tapes of women explain how they're being harassed by men on the phone.

Anyway, gimme the sequel showcasing how fucked up Lt. Dave's daughter is in ten years :')