This movie was mad boring and tepid for like the first twenty minutes or so. I was sitting here watching this like "um, okay, are y'all for real?". But then Rachel McAdams got killed and it was lit.
Lol no shade to Rachel, whom I like, but I just was so totally not here for her fake ass Boston ride or die act. The french tips and bandage dress were just really churning my fucking stomach and I wanted it all to stop. Also she was doing like a diluted version of Laura Linney in Mystic River with all that face grabbing and YOU ARE MY KING and all that extraness. Lowkey Lady Macbeth highkey making me sick to my stomach teas. So when she got shot I was like OH OKAY and also FINALLY.
So blah Jake Gyllenhaal plays a white boxer named Billy Hope. Lemme just say right now that I don't buy white dudes as like champions at fighting lol. Especially not no nigga who look like Jake Gyllenhaal. Lowkey method bae did a goodish job looking boxery or whatever, but I'm not buying him as a champion. Like, Jake Gyllenhaal, NO MATTER WHAT, is getting his ass beat. No matter what, do you understand? BUT MOVIES ARE FANTASY SO WE'LL PRETEND!!
So blah Billy is a champion and Rachel plays his wife Maureen and 50 Cent's ugly ass plays Billy's obviously Iago ass manager. In the beginning of the movie I was watching like...okay so like is this movie just gon' be Jake Gyllenhaal fighting niggas? I was confused lol like WHAT the conflict would be. They had that Miguel dude come through at the press conference and I was honestly like...is this whole movie just gon' be some ugly ass feud between them? Like that's it??? Anyway, I'm pretty unimaginative. I DID FOR ONE SECOND THINK THEY WERE GOING TO KILL OFF THE DAUGHTER. But they did one slightly less better and killed off Billy's wife and I was like oh okay, breathing a sigh of relief, like, HERE WE GO!
Anyway, I'm a completely ugly person. Also I kinda regretted wishing for some shit to pop off, because when it popped off, it REALLY popped off. Like I was getting annoyed lol. It was bad enough Billy lost his wife, then he lost his daughter and his house and all his money his career fucking everything I was like bruh chillllll lol. Like you coulda just killed Maureen off and been fucking done with it yall doin tew much!!
So like! A lot of Billy's loss was his fault, including Maureen. I hold firmly that it was primarily Billy's fault that Maureen got shot. Shoulda kept it moving when Miguel was talking shit! Like what is this middle school? Oh he said he'd take ur girl and your belt? GIRL, AND?! lol he really got heated over that shit. Fucking idiot. So you wanna turn around and get in a fight which of course gets out of control and someone takes out a gun and it's game over. DUH! Team Blame Billy.
Okay so Maureen dies and I'm immediately annoyed at how not present Billy's being for his daughter, Leila. Like all she has left is you but I guess it's fine for you to be acting out your own private melodrama that doesn't involve her. LIKE GIRL I GUESS! I didn't even care about Billy losing his career and house cuz girl whatever, but him just driving his car straight into a tree like he aint have a whole ass daughter depending on him really got on my nerves. And it's like okay fine grieving, but Leila's grieving too and she's a kid and alone and has no one and Team Blame Billy for losing her and Team Hate Billy at least fifty percent of the movie for being a fuck up and Team Leila every time she dragged his ass and also any other time.
So they put Leila in the hands of the state, and I like, was upset. Like I get it cuz Billy was unfit, but I was still getting in my feelings. I hated Billy so much in his court scene when the judge was making the decision what to do with Leila. Like can you gain control?? That's why you aint got shit now!
So Leila in child services for thirty days. Billy got to prove himself to the court. He gotta secure employment and I guess pass drug tests and shit. Billy goes to this boxing gym owned by Forest Whitaker's character Tick Wills and this is the first time I'm discovering this nigga's name is Tick smh. Also does Forry have a real life glass eye please answer me.
Billy wants Tick to train him for whatever reason idfk and also he asks for a job. This movie was doing the most just making it so easy for Billy to gain employment, right? He just waltzes right in like lol I need a job thanks! Tick offers him the janitor job at his gym and Billy's entitled white ass has the audacity to get an attitude like I'M NOT CLEANING YOUR FUCKING TOILETS, MAN! Sir. Who are you? Who the fuck are you?? Didn't your busted white ass grow up in the streets? And you tryna act all high and mighty?? Never mind the fact that 1. your bitch ass has lost LITERALLY EVERYTHING and 2. YOU NEED A JOB TO GET YOUR FUCKING DAUGHTER BACK AND NO ONE ELSE IS HIRING YOUR MESSY ASS SO BITCH WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
Billy goes to the foster care place they have Leila at to see her but is first interviewed by Naomie Harris' foster care worker character and imdb is fucking telling me her character's name is Angela fucking Rivera. Girl, okay. ANGELA RIVERA asks Billy if he's secured employment. Billy's bitch ass lie and say he got a job at a gym. Okay girl. He acting all spazzy and aggro in the meeting and Angela asks him if he's on drugs. He says nah just no sleep. She says something like "You didn't take anything?". His bitch ass scream in her face like YEAH, AN ADVIL!
You whilin. That's all the fuck imma say.
Angela basically says do you think it's a good idea for me to let you see Leila and i'm like OKAY! Like he doing the most for someone who needs to get fucking permission from her to see his child. This aggy nigga needs to chill. Like how long it's gon take you to learn your lesson??
Angela lets him see Leila but Leila's not fucking here for it and I was here for her not being here for it. Very much. I will say, though, that Jake and Oona Laurence's scenes were lit as fuck every time. Them individually, and them together. They were very much giving me everything I needed. Like this movie as a whole? Kinda basic. But they were really good and WHEN THE FUCK IS JAKE GETTING AN OSCAR YALL WAS TALKING ABOUT LEO'S BLOATED ASS LIKE HE HAS EVER DELIVERED IN HIS LIFE THE WAY BAE GYLLENHAAL HAS BUT I'M SLEEP.
I need a nap, but anyway Billy starts working at the gym. And I guess Tick's big ass starts training him. Yo so what does Southpaw mean? I thought it was like a Boston term. Yo, look, idek if this movie takes place in Boston lol like I just assumed but I have no fucking idea. But anyway I bing.commed "southpaw" and it tells me: "a left-handed person, especially a boxer who leads with the right hand or a baseball pitcher"...
GIRL, WHAT?
Smh idk. Anyway who cares. Billy ends up fighting in some charity boxing thing and he wins. 50 cent, who abandoned Billy after some shit went down with him fucking up his HBO deal or whatever, turns up to tell Billy they want him back in the big leagues or whatever the fuck, after he got kicked out for hitting that boxing referee person. He says the fight is in six months. Billy asks Tick to train him and Tick is like no I don't do title fights or some mess idfk and DON'T CARE because he change his mind immediately anyway. Billy give him some White Tears™ speech about how he doing the fight for his daughter blah blah, which I guess gets Tick. Okay can we talk about Tick for one small second? ...Why he live in the gym? What's his story?? Why he mad broke down but the movie don't even explain how come? I guess him being an alcoholic is enough? Why every boxing movie got like an old, grizzled coach with a heart of gold and mysterious backstory? Enough is enough, in my opinion.
Blah blah they start training. Billy goes to see Leila and he tells her about the fight. I thought she'd be upset but she was excited and asked if she could go. Billy is like No, mom wouldn't want you to (Hey, she's dead.) and also he says he doesn't think he'd be able to arrange it with child services to have her there. LEILA POPS THE FUCK OFF!! Iconic. She just start going the fuck in on this nigga and honestly I felt refreshed and alive. She was slapping the shit outta Jake Gyllenhaal's ginormous dome and calling him a punk bitch probably and I was really getting my fucking life. #whereisoonalaurence'soscarblog
But anyway I was happy when Billy finally got my bae Leila back. I mean, let's be honest, would her life be any better at Billy shitty's apartment with one egg than it was in foster care? HELL NO! But whatever he's her dad and she loves him. Is it okay? Idk let's move on!! No wait lol but Billy just straight up telling Leila he was a fucking mess really got me. Imagine being a helpless kid and your parent is like GIRL I'M A MESS! I HAVE ONE EGG IN THIS APARTMENT, GIRL! GOOD LUCK, GIRL!! Like, Billy, parents are at least required to pretend they have even a modicum of their shit together, bitch. Is Leila fucking stupid? No. But still lie to her ass okay that's your job as a parent smh.
Fast-forward to Billy doing his fight. It's against Miguel who is at least partly responsible for Maureen getting killed. You know what I didn't really care about? This fight lol. Billy going up against Miguel. Miguel was such a non-motherfucking factor. Even with the complete fact that he instigated the brawl that resulted in Maureen's death, I just did not care, girl. But that could just be me and never in general caring about the results of any...thing in sports movies lol. Like boxing, football, baseball, whatever movie where there's like a final game or show it's like...idc. There have been some movies where I was like okay this is a little lit. Literally the only movie I am thinking of right now is Cinderella Man for some reason?? Let's move on.
Leila gets to go to the fight but she stays in the dressing room or whatever and for some reason Angela is there? Why do I feel like there was some shit in the script where there was a romance brewing between Angela and Billy? Thank the lord that was cut smh.
Blah blah Billy beat Miguel's ass. And of course there was that moment where it looked like Billy was getting fucked up, but then he turned it around. Idk maybe he got a Powerpoint slideshow presentation memory recall of Maureen clutching his face with her french-tipped talons and it revved him up. It's not a TKO, though, or like unanimous. The judges have to give their scores before the winner is decided and then it's decided Billy won. Yay. What now?
What I forgot to talk about:
-Rita Oral as that chick offering her services at the front door but having the audacity to be talking about "I got kids, man!" when Billy pulled out his gun. Where were these kids when you were offering your black hole up for some chicken nuggets to perfect strangers, girl?
-that random kid dying?? Why aint no one help him?? What was his name Papi? What the fuck lol outta nowhere Tick was like "Papi died". girl what?? It was all extra.
-Beau Knapp. Idk lol
-WHERE IS THAT FRANK OCEAN SONG THAT WAS AT THE END OF THE MOVIE THANKS
Anyway this movie was okay. Coulda been way worse. Was saved by performances. Jake, Oona, Forest, Naomie...pretty good. The story was pretty weak but most boxing movie stories are. It's all about the performances and making you care about the characters and this movie did that good job but yo why you make me care about Papi with his two seconds of screen-time and just kill him offscreen like that? What is your problem? Fix it.
Lol I just looked to see what Papi's character name is and it's Hoppy. Yikes.com, tbh.
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