Intruders (2015)

"They should have left her alone."

EXACTLY, BITCH! EX!ACT!LY!!!

1. Who just robs someone? 

Wait lol. Let's get into some backstory first. So the story's main character is some agoraphobic bitch named Anna. This movie shows agoraphobia as...acting as if there is a force field preventing you from leaving your front door. Hmm NOT SURE, but this movie's definition of being afraid to leave the house seems a little extra, but maybe not so much when you consider Anna's history. 

Pretty much, Anna and her brother Conrad seemed to have been sort of held hostage and abused by their father when they were younger, until Conrad killed him. No idea what happened to their mom. Maybe she went to Vegas for the weekend, idk. 

So present day, Conrad dies. It seems he had pancreatic cancer. Conrad looked creepy as fuck. As soon as I saw his moth child looking ass, I was like ... "hm, this movie has the potential to be lit". Like when the movie first came on right away I dismissed it as trash because of cliché shitty straight-2-DVD horror movie tinkly piano music. But I changed my mind after I saw Conrad's human cobweb excuse for a face and body. Especially when he patted the seat next to him when he was on that porch swing? I was like GOD, NO! But like in a good way, you know? 

The only people who live in Conrad and Anna's house are them. Rory Culkin comes by like every week or something to deliver food. I was so excited when I saw Rory. Why? Because I have A LOT of fucking problems, my friend. (You're not my friend.) One of my many ailments is that I have, like, a Culkin thing. I'm just like into the three semi-relevant Culkin baes. Was it necessary for me to be shady by saying "semi-relevant"? Tbh, I was being pretty generous. Now, was it necessary for me to be a little more than shady just now by saying I was being pretty generous? YES! Anyway, this is a Rory Culkin stan blog until further notice. I love his long hair and I WANT TO DIE!!

So after "Connie" dies, Anna is alone. Somewhere around Conrad dying--I forget if it was before or after--Anna gives Rory's character Danny a sack of money??? Like he--Oh, this was after Conrad's death, because Danny asks Anna if she'll leave now and she lowkey spazzes because of her agoraphobia deal. Then she asks Danny would it be so easy for him to leave, and Danny says some Instagram quote shit out of his mouth like "Not everyone considers home a home" or some shit, but also I was like true and kill me please! 

Anna asks Danny why he hasn't left and Danny says "guess" and my first thought was money and Anna's stupid ass first thought was "You've got a girlfriend". Please. Danny says how he has no luck in the girlfriend department. Well maybe if you didn't look like Tweety Bird Jesus you'd get more hoes. Anyway, after D says no to the girlfriend thing, Anna's SLOW! ASS! gets he can't leave cuz of $$$ (stupid rich ass lol). So, she just gives this nigga a bag of money? What part of the game is this, Anna? I doubt Steve Harvey suggests this in Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man, Anna! 

So fast-forward to some niggas popping by to rob Anna's house. And now we come back to me asking: Who just robs someone? Like, who just decides to rob someone's house lol. And I wouldn't even ordinarily think that while watching a movie for some reason, but here I felt compelled to really question it lol because...idk. I guess how the tables are turned, and the robbers' entitled attitudes after that. Like, they are demanding to be treated fairly and with respect or something lol but it's like bitch, you're in her house! If you woulda minded your business and kept your ass outta her shit, none of this would be happening. #nosympathyfortherobbers

So! The robbers come through and think they can turn up! Oh I forgot to say what Danny did after Anna gave him that sack of money. He declined and left I guess. When these robbers showed up I immediately suspected Danny. He either told someone about the money, or he decided to get a gang together and go after the bigger pot. What it ultimately was was Option A. He told some so-called friends of his about Anna and the money and they decided to fucking rob her. 

There's three robbers. Some nigga named J.P., his brother Vance (Danny's "friend"), and some nigga with a beard named Perry. HATED Perry right away. But real quick let's just talk about how Martin Starr almost looks like a legitimate person now. Is it the beard and contacts? Did he always look legitimate but I couldn't see past the name Martin Starr? Nah, this nigga oblong. And he was oblong in the movie, but kinda hot also please take my life away.

So Perry was turning up right away, and far too much for me. Talking about setting bitches on fire and hitting them in the back of the head with hammers and shit. Bitch, just take the money and go. Like. And then he smashed the bird to death for no reason. I remember thinking, before Anna turned up, "I can't wait for him to die" lol. For some reason I knew he would, and readily anticipated it. 

But actually! When he did I was lowkey sad. Not for Perry's death, but for Martin Starr not getting to have screen-time anymore. He was funny lol. I mean, I wasn't feeling Perry stomping on Danny's kneecap, but he provided some good comedic relief when they were trapped in that basement. 

So speaking of getting trapped in a basement :') lol as soon--Honestly, as soon as Anna stabbed Vance in the neck, I knew it was gonna be lit from here on out. And then Anna dragged his body down to the basement and J.P. and Perry went looking for him there, I was like...yall better get outta that basement. Straight-up serial killer lair, but okay! However, I got excited. What were all those doors and shit? Then Anna sealed them up down there and I was like IDIOTS! and YAAAAAAASSS!!

Where Danny in all this? Well he interrupts the robbery proceedings to be like wtf. Doesn't Perry's hype ass punch him in the face? #can'twaittilyoudie. Blah blah fast-forward to Anna turning the tables on these morons and locking them in that torture basement. She got Danny tied up upstairs. She suspects he has something to do with the robbery, and his bitch ass do! But...how was he really to know his friend would take their private conversation and turn it into a opportunity to rob some bitch they don't too much even know? It's just rude, but Danny in my opinion is innocent. Also he looks like a lil angel bean :') #freehim

Anna tosses his ass into the torture dungeon and he bust his head open and dislocates his kneecap. Gross! Perry helps Danny put his kneecap back in, but later when Danny tells him to stop antagonizing Anna and making things worse, Perry stomps on his knee. #can'twaittiludie My favorite thing from this scene though was Danny talking bout I need to go to the hospital. It was so funny to me for some reason. Girl, aint nobody taking you to the hospital! lol what an adorable dummy :')

So Anna playing games with these niggas. She end up killing Perry. Hammer to the back of the head - nice. It take her longer to kill J.P. She got him locked up in some room, tryna convince him to kill himself. Apparently...she and her brother ran some...kind of (kind of?) creepy vigilante business where they'd bring pedophiles and shit to the basement to try and make them face their wrongdoings, which I guess in turn would drive all of them to kill themselves. This tactic doesn't work on J.P. because he's a piece of shit, and named J.P. He chooses to keep his brother's death on his conscience and stay alive. Anyway, it's not like he directly killed him, Anna was reaching.

Anna has to release J.P. when he threatens to kill Danny, whom I guess she cares about. Aww, those crazy kids :') <3

SO! OKAY! WHEN ANNA LET THEM GO THEY ABLE TO LEAVE THE HOUSE AND ESCAPE. BUT OF COURSE J.P.'S BITCH ASS GOTTA GO IN THE HOUSE ON SOME REVENGE SHIT. AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF, HE PUNCH DANNY IN THE FACE RIGHT BEFORE HE GO DO IT. #CAN'T WAIT TIL U DIE

So J.P. go back in to burn Anna's shit. Boy. Anna take out her money and tries to burn that? Girl idk. J.P. end up taking Anna into a room and trying to rape her or some cliché bullshit. Or he try to kill her?? Either way, Baery Culkin comes to the rescue by being like "No more killing" (lol) and then immediately Anna kills J.P. (lodamnl)

Danny leaves, but not before doing some hilarious long like look back thing. Idk, all I remember was horribly cackling before he walked off-screen lol. I wonder what he tells people when he goes home, if anything. I wouldn't say shit. 

Okay so the movie ends with Anna setting fire to her house as sirens blare in the distance. Okay qqs:

1. Why are you burning your money and shit? Bitch where you gon' go? Maybe she got shit in stocks idk

2. Who called the police? Danny? He just left two seconds ago

3. Why was this movie so lit? It wasn't the litest, but it was definitely much more than I expected it to be. No regrets. A little regrets. I'm sad I wasn't cast as that random Latina woman with the papers for Anna to sign. That was a star-making #iconic performance in what is a star-making #iconic piece of cinema. lol no I'm just kidding lol omg