Double Platinum (1999)

Wow um. So the movie opens up on Diana Ross "singing" and...I don't know what to think. Maybe I think "Who decided Diana Ross could sing?". Maybe I think that. But only one time this whole movie. I don't even think this again when Diana's character is "coaching" Brandy through singing one of her songs. I think it's "Have You Ever". Diana Ross, who has an acquired taste voice just like Brandy, drags this braided hoe by what is left of her edges, and honestly: I felt alive. I felt alive even though I thought at the beginning of the movie "Wow why is this happening?" at Diana Ross singing. I never thought that at Brandy's singing once in the movie, even though Olivia King was totally right by saying Brandy--I mean, Kayla Harris--sings through her nose and sometimes sounds like she has shit in her mouth. I still got my life at Diana Ross--I mean ~Olivia King~--trying to tell Brandy how to sing. I could watch that scene a million fucking times in a row and never not get my life. Do you understand? GOOD.

So, GOD!, Double Platinum is like A Star Is Born meets All About Eve colored with Rose-Art crayons, written by Caillou. Diana Ross plays a woman named Olivia King who's a singer, and she, as her husband would say, "has her little shows". Diana Ross performs a song at one of her little shows and, like I said, I was confused as to why. But apparently some A&R dude in the audience saw the performance and liked it. Okay. This dude is like to Olivia, "Come to New York and be a STAR!". Cool. Not so cool? Olivia has a kid and husband and stuff.

Olivia's shitty husband is played by deep-voiced lightskin Brian Stokes Mitchell, who I think was Trevor #1 on Fresh Prince and also plays the husband of the woman Tyrell (Elliot??) choked to "Two Weeks" on Mr. Robot. Good call making Olivia's douchey hubby be a lightskin. We didn't need an Isaiah Washington type in here looking like he was gonna Ike Turner this hoe. Also that would've taken shine away from MISS DIANA ROSS. But...girl. CAN WE TALK ABOUT THESE TWO CARAMEL DEW DROPS BIRTHING BRANDY'S BLACK CINDERELLA ASS?! Girl okay lol. Brandy playing Diana Ross' daughter is such a motherfucking stretch. You can just tell this was when Brandy was really hot and some businessy people were like I KNOW! NEW HOT THANG BRANDY UP AGAINST OLD HOT THANG DIANA ROSS! BRILLIANT! It's like...pleez. And to talk about not being totally creative...what was with Brandy singing her own songs instead of songs being written for the movie? And I'm pretty sure Diana Ross sung old songs as well? Lol how fucking lazy. Like if you're gonna do this, do this whole DIANA ROSS VERSUS BRANDY thing, go all the way the fuck in. This shit was tepid as fuck like what a missed opportunity.

Lol but anyway! Sigh, I was tryna go over this shitty plot what the fuck was I bitch ass talking about? Oh, D. Ross' lightskint unsupportive husband. So Olivia tells her boo they want her to go to New York so she can be Blackbra Streisand or whatever. He's like "lol". Which, yikes. Also when she comes home from her show he's like playing cards with his bros and is like really rude and dismissive of Olivia. So we as an audience are right away ready for her to leave his ass, even before she tells him about New York and he in so many words tells her to quiet her singing mouth and make him a sandwich. 

I...don't support Olivia just dipping on her kid lol. I could find it in myself to support her going out to New York for a while, getting things in order, coming back to her kid, and then going back out to do blah blah whatever. It's weird how she just...stays away lol wtf. She just like...never comes back. 

OKAY WAIT. So Olivia dips on baby Kayla to go fulfill her dreams. Okay fast-forward eighteen years and we see Brandy like singing and dancing in some dry cleaners her father has her working in. He's all about BLUE COLLAR. Girl anyway lol. So Kayla wins some radio contest to go see a concert. MY STUPID ASS SAYS "She better had not won a ticket to see Olivia". Why am I so dumb? But I was honestly CACKLING that she won a contest to see her fucking mom in concert. Like how sad. A few things:

1. Kayla does not know THE Olivia King, whom she's a fan of, is her mom. So she's just in the audience like a dummy enjoying the concert like this isn't the woman who abandoned her eighteen years ago

2. I liked Diana Ross' performance. Her singing is still...iffy, though. Also her dress was too heavy-looking. Diana Ross looks like she weighs eight ounces.

3. Olivia set up the contest so Kayla would win. Is this a cute way to tell the daughter you abandoned eighteen years ago that you're her mom OR NAH??

So Kayla goes backstage to meet Olivia and instead of Olivia RIGHT AWAY telling this bitch she's her mom, she fucking takes her out to dinner. DOES SHE TELL HER AT DINNER THAT SHE'S HER MOM? lol!! Kayla at one point during the dinner brings up how she doesn't have a mom and Olivia reacts like "aw 2 bad so sad 4 u, sweetie:(". Lol BITCH IF U DON'T TELL HER YOU'RE HER MOM AND U LEFT HER ASS!! No, instead!!! Olivia tells Kayla she'll go see her show. This family and their little shows smh.

Olivia finally spills the tea after Kayla's show. So, you know, good timing?? And so begins Diana Ross I mean Olivia King lowkey making everything all about her even when it's supposed to be Brandy I mean Kayla's moment.

WHY COME BRANDY DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING TO HER DAD THE VERY NIGHT OLIVIA REVEALS SHE'S HER MOM?? Hmm?? She like just runs upstairs and when her dad is all "How'd it go??" she just says fine or whatever?? 

NUMBER ONE! Who would just immediately believe Olivia? I know I wouldn't! I'd think that Hollywood bitch was crazy, and tryna get in my draws. ALSO I'D ASK MY DAD WHY THE FUCK HE NEVER TOLD ME OLIVIA KING WAS MY MOM!!?!??! lol okay Kayla eventually confronts him but it's way too delayed in my opinion like what the fuck. 

ANYWAY FAST FORWARD TO OLIVIA BRINGING KAYLA TO NEW YORK TO MAKE HER A STAR! When Olivia tells Kayla she wants to bring her to NY, Kayla barks back "Is it because I'm good, or is it because you feel guilty?". Olivia is all "It's because you're good, and because I feel guilty". Girl...it's because you feel guilty, full stop. Kayla singing pre-recorded Brandy tracks was not enough to convince you she's a ~star~ STOP THE MALARKEY.

So Kayla like immediately becomes a star in NY after she drops "Have You Ever" (plz) as a single. Olivia and Kayla aren't on very good terms, though, because Kayla is still pissed about the whole her mom abandoned her for eighteen years and became a huge star and like never wrote her any letters or sent her a fucking t-shirt or some shit thing. Olivia tries to have a say in Kayla's career under the guise of "protecting" her. I believe Olivia was trying to look out for her daughter, but it also sometimes seemed like something else. I def thought Olivia was more trustworthy than the douchebaggy manager dude Allen Payne played. Allen Payne was mad annoying here lol. Just being extra for no reason. He was painted too broadly with the SNAKE brush lol. Like obvi he'd betray Kayla. OKAY BUT CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THIS STUPID BITCH HAD THE FUCKING CHECK FROM THE TABLOID HE SOLD KAYLA'S ~SECRET~ TO IN HIS GODDAMN PANTS?! Bitch! lol pleez. 

Oh I forgot to say how Kayla didn't want anyone to know Olivia King was her mom so she'd be able to develop a career just off her talent but blah blah she wanted to be stupid and get mixed up with a lightskin, so she got what she deserved lol. 

At this point of Kayla discovering ~RiC OrTEgA~*~ has betrayed her confidence, I think she and Olivia are on the outs because Kayla had done some Brandy cosplay at the Grammy party, but Olivia stole her moment singing, I believe, "Carry On". You can't ever beat "Carry On", not even a weak Diana Rossed version. Too bad so sad lol. But after the Ric thing, Kayla leaves NY and goes out to the Adirondacks or wherever the fuck Olivia is, and is all "I had nowhere else to go". lol what are you talking about? Like she got kicked out her home or something smh. 

BUT ANYWAY! Olivia and Kayla have some ugly bonding session out in the woods. Can we briefly talk about Brandy's acting? NOT GOOD. Not. Good. Especially when she has to do ~EMOTION~, which, is, like, always. Like anytime, because it's acting lol. Check no juliet to her having to do anything heavy. Also her doing ~anger~ is really embarrassing. I like Brandy for some reason, and like I loved Moesha, but jesus. Lol just jesus. Diana Ross...also not a great actress. However, for some reason I cannot accurately pinpoint, I do like watching her onscreen. She's just fascinating obviously. She's obviously more style over substance, but that's fine with me sometimes. She's very like glam, and then she has that Michael Jackson voice, and her teeth and her little bird head idk...I just like watching her. However her and Braid Head's ~emotional~ scenes were a no. Like Kayla confronting Olivia about why she abandoned her was just a complete wrong.

But it only got worse when they started working on a song together. And then...when they performed it together. The movie ends with Olivia and Kayla singing the song Olivia wrote for Kayla to sing. It's 1. a terrible song and 2. an awkward, boring ass performance.

Wait, but in these two screenshots I took, can you tell the audience is like falling into a coma?

Look at Christine Ebersole. She's like..."I have to shit...please stop." And Harvey Fierstein has his hands politely folded like this isn't the loudest, most flaming nigga on the planet - PLEASE! And then the movie just...ends. Unlike my life.