Paris Blues (1961)

Wow okay. This movie has...everything. Well, actors-wise. How are you going to have Paul Newman, Sidney Poitier, Joanne Woodward and Diahann Carroll in one shit??? How was this allowed to happen??? I am so excited and want to die and throw up?? 

So I've been wanting to see this for ages. It used to always come on on...like one of those Encore channels a few years ago but always at some awkward random time, like 4:30 am, so I never was able to catch it. But then recently it was on TCM, AND I FUCKING MISSED IT BECAUSE I ALWAYS DO, and so I was heated like ugh I missed it.  But then I thought "what if it's on utube?". Because a lot of shit be on youtube. And so I looked and died because guess what it was on youtube. And I love how no one cares about the whole fucking backstory to how I came to watch this movie, but no one fucking reads this blog so honestly I can say whatever I want it doesn't matter I shot JFK.

So P New (no.) plays some dude named Ram Bowen. He's a jazz musician and I want to throw up and die again but not in a good way? Like I already know his character is gonna be on some douchey bs. Thank god he's played by Newman and not like Robert Mitchum or some shit because I would immediately not fucking care or ever watch this :')?

Anyway Ram is some jazz dude. He composes, too, whatever. He's in some jazz band with my bae Sidney Poitier, who plays a dude named Eddie Cook. The movie starts with Ram playing some little shit and asking Eddie if he likes it, is it too somber, etc. Eddie is like it's good bro. But Ram is mad extra and white and prob a Scorpio and thinks Eddie's compliment is a condemnation at best? Like bro, chill out. You're playing jazz music (all that shit sounds the same stop) in some shitty underground speakeasy in Paris. Literally no one cares, it's so wild how extra you're being lol.

Flip to Diahann and Joanne, who play two chics on vacation from the states, named Connie and Lillian, respectively. Connie meets Ram on the train. What happens? Oh some worker person on the train is trying to take Connie's bags. She's trying to tell him she wants to keep her bags, but doesn't speak French. Ram to the rescue.

OKAY!!! Okay.

Okay.

Um. Okay. Lol. Sooooooooooooooooo. I was shipping Ram and Connie immediately??????????????????????????? I was getting it all in my head that she would...save him him from his shittiness? From his douche-assness?? OKAY WAIT I'M GETTING AHEAD OF MYSELF BITCH TRY TO TELL THE STORY IN ORDER BUT NO ONE IS READING THIS WHO CARES

Sooo!! (sigh) Ram is kinda flirting with Connie? Um, but he's mad arrogant so...like, to me anyway, it's not even obvious. He's the type to think he could bag any bitch, and he's right but not really, because Connie completely pays his ass. But anyway, here cum Lillian's lily white ass being thirsty as fuck. Like, she is ALL ABOUT Ram right away, talking about "WHO IS HE?". Girl, no one is checking for you! No one checking for you! Lol sorry but literally no one was checking for Lillian. Joanne is my girl but no one was checking for Lillian lol bottom line! 

Lol but anyway Ram ends up inviting them to the club. Come and see him play. Lillian apparently knows who Ram is. I guess he put out some little records. So she on some groupie shit. Lillian is being too thirsty for me. Like, I almost want to respect how she doesn't even try to play it cool, but it was giving me too much 2nd hand embarrassment, so I can't, sorry.

Alright so Connie and Lillian go to see Ram play. I know I was shading jazz music above because it sucks lol, but the performance was nice, even though it seemed maybe really obvi that Newman and Poitier weren't really playing? Or am I thinking of a latter performance where they showed Poitier supposedly going off but it was like obviosuly fake? lol. Idk, whatever, the performance here when Connie and Lillian first visit the club was nice. And Lillian was getting in her feelings in the audience, girl. But okay, cuz in the beginning of the movie I thought...Lillian was gonna be thirsting for Ram, but he was gonna play her for Connie?? But Connie wasn't even thinking about Ram after she met Eddie. But tbh, I don't think Connie was ever thinking about Ram, period, because the more we came to know of her character we see how pro-black she is, and so prob she not checking for any lip-less white kings, ever. Even if they Paul Newman. Which sucks cuz I was ready to ship it!! But! I realllllllllllly really thought she and Poitier were so ultra-fucking cute, so I'm glad the movie ultimately took it that route instead. 

Okay! But let's talk about after Ram and them perform and Lillian and Connie are leaving the club. I think Eddie escorts them out? He's talking about going to get pancakes or some shit but Connie is saying she wants to go home? (me, girl). And Ram sort of comes @ her like "Why are you playing games? I know why u came down here, let's go." You know, kind of like, get this dick girl why r you playing around. WHICH! Bitch!!!!!!!! I was like...gasping at how rude Ram was being lol. I mean, it wasn't that serious. Like I've seen way worse shit in movies and in real life lol, but I was just taken aback that he was coming at classy ass Diahann Carroll like that. On some give up that pussy girl why u playing games shit. girrrlllll!! He was really wild for that! Honestly, truly. He really was. But I loved that scene, so intense. Right? Idk, I loved it. 

So Lillian kind of comes at Ram like Don't talk to her like that please, I was the one who wanted to come down. LIKE HOW ARE YOU STANDING UP FOR YOUR FRIEND TO THE NIGGA WHO JUST DISRESPECTED HER ASS BUT STILL THIRSTING AFTER THE D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!!?!?!!?!!!!?!?!?!? I c o n i c. Iconic!! Iconic. Okay?? 

So what happens? Omg. It gets so much worse! Lol. So I think Eddie is taking Connie and Lillian, I don't remember. Either back to the hotel or to eat whatever idk. So they fuck off. But like literally two seconds later Lillian's...sigh, completely sad ass comes back to basically throw her pussy at Ram, AGAIN, even tho he has thwarted it I don't know how many times in the - what? Twenty fucking minutes this film has been on? Jesus. Ram is like You don't want someone like me. Even tho he was all over Connie and would never had said some shit like that to her lol okay, but I guess eventch Lillian wears his equally pathetic ass down and they end up in bed. Nice? I guess......

So ~the morning after~ Ram tries to act funny with Lillian, kinda tryna get her to get out of his apartment. Somewhere in here we find out Lillian is divorced, and has kids. So I guess she in Paris just tryna turn up. But it's...weird? To like be tryna snag a beaux when you're only gonna be there for two weeks? Why isn't she hopping on as many French d--HOW ARE YOU GONNA GO TO PARIS TO SLUT IT UP AND FIND LIKE THE ONE AMERICAN AND JUST ATTACH YOURSELF TO HIM UMMMMMMHOW DOES THIS WORK WHERE DOTHEY DO THIS??? She could be slippin and slidin on so much French dick, but she just settles on Ram's whack, bad energy ass and he doesn't even have an accent to make up for all his many flaws. Okay, girl. You small town, narrow-minded thot! Lol, come. oN! 

But somehow, Ram and Lillian end up in some little relationship thing. I don't ship it. It's just kind of this weird and sad thing to me. And obviously Ram is a mess, like Lillian girl you can't bring his rude, jazz-playing ass home to your kids. Mess.

On the flip, Connie and Eddie are having some mad cute ass relationship. Hashtag black love in this bitch. Like, they're talking about marriage and kids and shit, IT IS SEW CUTE. Okay but the only ish...hmm. So Connie wants their life to be in America, but Eddie wants to stay in Paris, where he feels it is better for a black man. Apparently (sniff) Eddie thinks in France, a black man is just A Man, not A Black Man. LOL!!!!!!!!!!

Connie is looking @ this new black negro like...I can't belieb this is my future baby father lol. She lowkey highkey thinks this negrum is weak sauce, and running away from things. She thinks he should be in America facing adversity, not hiding away in France, where, bitch, guess what? You are a black man. Like how that little boy came up and LITERALLY CALLED HIM LIKE A NEGRO MAN OR SOMETHING. Connie was like if he was an American boy you'd feel some type of way! Exactly. Cuz that cute little French bitch had an accent suddenly it's okay?? Eddie if you don't get!!! 

Despite Connie being...what the fuck did Eddie call her? DIDN'T HE CALL HER A SOCIAL JUSTICE WARRIOR? Bitch, I screamed. Lol despite Connie being on her pro-black ish and Eddie thinking the French are fucking color blind or some shit lol like even if they were, color blinds can still differentiate from white skin AND YOUR BLACK ASS lol, but anyway! Despite their big differences in...ahem, beliefs, I still ship it. Or, I ship Connie having the ability to change men lol. Like, when I was shipping her and Ram initially it was because I clocked her immediately as someone who'd smack this stupid bitch upside the head one time, and he'd be right from them on. But I'm glad they paired her with Eddie in the end. He's more malleable, and less gone. Also they just look really cute together. 

Lillian does not posses the power of the puss. I'm sure her puss is fine and good, but it is not life-changing like Connie's, sorry. Ram is not going anywhere with you. He's young wild and free lol. He is not going back to whereeverthefuck, USA to play stepdaddy to some dusty corn fed brats. Even tho he was about to leave with her after that music gatekeeper dude examined Ram's composition and said he was amateur. Ram got one rejection and all of a sudden he's giving up immediately? Is that common with artists? Lol. Idk I only speak from my perspective...but if you do anything creative, you're gonna get rejected. A lot. Even Mozart was rejected, no? (insert me trying to remember shit from Amadeus smh). Idk, it just seemed really dumb...that Ram would immediately feel like giving up. This is one dude saying you suck. And he's old and who cares? Idk whatever, it doesn't matter, because Ram ends up staying in Paris. And that's...nice. Couldn't care less tbh DID EDDIE GO TO AMERICA TO MAKE A MILLION BABIES WITH CONNIE, OR NAH? That was unclear at the end? Or maybe I wasn't paying attention to a particular part. Like did they say he was meeting up with her in a few weeks? BITCH, HE BETTER! Anyway, did Poitier and Carroll smash in real life? Put me on TCM so I can gossip about this with Robert Osborne. I know his old ass got some tea.