Best of the Best (1989)

I entirely regret watching this karate for beginners instructional video. Well, no, not entirely. 

(I'm so pissed I don't have a screenshot of him in that fucking loose ass v-neck sweater ugh)

I'm obsessed with Eric Roberts, so that's my only reason for watching this mess, and...he at least gave me, per usual, face and hair. He didn't disappoint in the aesthetics department, so...that's...that's good. However, I feel it's extremely inappropriate to be watching a film wholly for a single actor's physical aesthetics. Maybe some people can do it, and that does explain several actors' previously inexplicable to me careers, but I've decided I can't be the kind of person who watches a movie purely because there's an actor in it whose face I like. Like, I thought I could be this person, as I am a leaking kiddie pool as hell, but alas, I even fail at being super shallow. (DID YOU UNDERSTAND THAT KIDDIE POOL ANALOGY I JUST DID THERE?!?!?!) 

So this movie is bad. My number one honey, Eric Roberts, plays some loser named Alex. Why is he a loser? He has long hair and is wearing a v-neck sweater with no fucking undershirt beneath it. And his hair isn't just long, it's luxurious. And totally he's spending all the money he gets from unemployment checks or his wife's dead person insurance, on dry bar blow-outs, daily - trust. This homey's hair is fanciful, and only a loser has the time on his hands to maintain upkeep on fanciful fucking locks. Also, he's a single father. (Where's your wife, Nick??! Oh - wait, no, nvm. 4got she's dead. R. I. P.) So scratch that also and replace it with: he does karate. 

Full disclosure: I did karate. I have a black belt. No joke, even though it should be. Also, I was fourteen when I got it, so I'm not sure it counts. And the stack of wood boards I had to chop through to get my black belt was completely fake. I felt like I was in a movie pretending to chop wood. They should have cast me in this! In Chris Penn's part, because, come on! 

So Alex is a single father still living with his mommy played by Nurse Ratched and/or that arsenic cookie making ass grandma from Siblings Fucking in an Attic, when he gets notice that the Olympics want him to try out for the US karate team? LOL

It's honestly 100% hilarious that the top contender for spots on the US karate team are primarily all-white. With the exception of Tommy Lee, played by Phillip Rhee. And probably the only reason he made it on the team was because he wrote the fucking movie. But, hmm, Phillip Rhee - really? Only one Asian? Is it racist of me to be like 'only one Asian'?? ??? ??? Probably, but..........I wonder if the real US karate team is always filled with whites? NO, I'm not going to Google it, because I don't actually care, it just seems suspicious. A predominantly white US yogurt-eating team? Yeah, duh! Hello! YES!! But an 80% white US karate team? Hmmmmmmmmm. Are you telling me James Earl Jones really sat through those fucking try-outs and thought Chris Penn's fat fucking cowboy ass was "the best of the best"?? Fuck outta here! And Alex has a fucked-up shoulder! One of the money men brings up concerns about Alex's shoulder, and James Earl Jones is like, "I'm paid to pick the best people for the team!" or some shit. First off: fire his ass, 'cause he's shit. This nigga has a fucking Italian on the squad. You're not putting together a US Mob Team, no shade. There's no US meatballs sub-making team, James E, come on. And don't even get me started on the Buddhist. Like, clearly this movie was written to portray the US karate team as a ragtag band of sorts. But the film is called Best of the Best - also, the Olympics are for real. This isn't a movie about some shitty little league softball team - this is about the actual Olympics that exist and that people take fucking seriously and train their whole lives for. So, for Chris Penn to just come galloping down from the all-you-can-eat pulled pork buffet to secure a coveted spot on a team going to the fucking Olympics - lol. Lol @ this movie and lol @ life. Also, R.I.P., Chris Penn. We hardly knew ye. And let's keep it that way. '100. 

So, a dude with a fucked up shoulder, a fat cowboy, a guido, a white Buddhist, and one actual Asian, but only probably because he developed the story, are picked for the US karate team. Okay. They start training. Couldn't care less about seeing them train. There's some scene in a bar right before training commences. James tells the guys: no sex + booze, I think, while training, but allows them that one night to go ham. They do? I guess? Chris starts dancing with this woman who has a boyfriend. My favorite part was that the woman's boyfriend walks over, gets upset, and sort of accidentally punches her in the face, trying to get to Chris. Chris does nothing. Lol, he just tries to brush his hands of it and walk away. Lowkey, he was my favorite thing about this movie. Underrated Penn bro? Nah...he...he probably got just the right amount of adulation he deserved. And let's move on from there!! 

So a brawl breaks out because the woman's boyfriend isn't letting it go, so I think Chris punches him or something. The dude's buddies try to jump in? And Tommy Lee sees and pops awf? My thing is: I'm Tommy Lee. I barely know Chris. He's certainly not my nigga. Yes, we're on the same team, but so? And?? He's getting in fights, that's on him. I'm not wasting any sweet roundhouse kicks on his wack, racist ass. I will sit with my legs crossed at the bar, sippin' on some sort of very sugary alcoholic beverage (so as not to taste any alcohol), not moving a solitary fucking muscle. And the same goes for the other ones: Alex, Buddha Glasses, and Italian. Why they jump in??? Alex didn't even know what the fuck was happening. He just saw people getting thrown through shit and just started poppin' awf without asking any questions. Like, okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay???????????

So, whatever, they start training. Again, cared nothing about this. Some woman shows up. Catherine Wade. Okaaaaaaaaay. She--Now, when she shows up, I'm like: EYEROLL. Everything she's saying makes me want to vom. She's all like "I spent a lot of time in the 'Far East' fucking Asians, so I know, like, a ton about, like, Oriental shit. So." Apparently this Catherine specimen knows stuff about...????? Idk, meditation?? Mind over body?? Literally no idea. Like, did she know anything the one with the glasses didn't already know? What was honestly her purpose? At one point she's teaching the boys yoga. My favorite part is Chris Penn not participating. And then my other favorite part was me constantly asking out loud in the dark, "Okay, but why was he picked for the team, again???" It's important you know it was in the dark ;)

:(

At some point we get to the meat. Lol, just kidding. The guys are notified of who their opponents will be in the...in the Olympics thing. Don't...really want to ask why there are only two teams competing? Or? Maybe that was covered? Maybe it was narrowed down?? Lol, okay, but when? Did it happen in the movie and I wasn't paying attention at all?? Probably! Moving on! Who cares who the other ones get? It's made clear we're supposed to focus on Tommy, the Asian, and who he's going to fight. Because obviously Tommy will be the last one standing, so let's hurry up and start caring about whatever his mess of a backstory is so we can actually care about him come the final showdown. 

Tommy's designated opponent is Dae Han Park. Tommy looks all scared and shit. I figure it's because they talk about how Dae has killed an opponent before. Turns out, that opponent he killed was Tommy's older bro. LOL, OKAY. Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy does James E assign Tommy Dae Han Park?? He knows about their history! What the fuck kind of messed-up shit is this??? ALSO, why...why do they have people in these competitions literally murdering???? And why does actual fighting happen? When I did karate we sort of sparred? I guess? But it was like really fake and choreographed? Also, again, I was a teen? So...maybe adult karate is different?? But...I mean, this isn't boxing? I don't know, it was just weird to me they had this whole section dedicated to trying to karate chop your opponent to death? But why am I playing obtuse like I haven't seen The Karate Kid? The original. Not the way better remix with my queen Jaden Smith. (Just to be clear, I've seen both. I just don't remember to-the-death sparring in the remix. I do remember Jaden having cornrows, though. That was fun.) 

Anyway, they keep training blah blah. Alex's doofy kid gets hit by a car and he has to go back home to perform surgery on him?? Because he's a doctor???? Essentially, this is the attitude James Earl Jones has when Alex says he needs to go home to be there for his son. James is like, "no leaving training - no excuses". It's a lil ridick. Like, Alex can't jaunt off for a day or two to see his kid? Like, it's not that serious. And James is hella hilarious for pretending he thinks it is that serious when he very not seriously picked Chris Penn, who has to use dining room curtains for a gi, to be on the team. Should I stop going in on Chris Penn? I'm scared his demon spirit will start haunting me. He'll take me in my sleep Insidious-style and chain me up in some gross basement they let him have in the underworld. We watch fucking Resevoir Dogs on a loop. It sucks you can't commit suicide in hellscape, right? Like, that's bullshit, and a flaw in the design, but okay. 

Alex goes home anyway. I don't care about his kid. When he leaves, Tommy tells him not to worry, that he and the other teammates will take care of James E. Okay, but when Alex comes back NO ONE says anything when he's begging for James E to let him back on the team?? And they ignore Alex and cut to Tommy practicing some kick move on Buddha Glasses. James yells at Tommy to stop holding back. Tommy does and nearly kicks the nirvana out of Buddha Glasses. Tommy gets all upset and runs away on his motorcycle. Before he leaves, Alex goes to try to stop him? But if I was Alex, I would've been like "pft", because remember how that nigga said he would take care of James E but he didn't do shit when Alex came back begging for James to let him return to training?? lol, I'm still salty about that, but whatever? Like, if Alex doesn't care, why do I? Stand by your word, that's why!!! 

So at this point, there are three people remaining on the US karate team. What the fuck is James Earl Jones doing, and why is he not more concerned? Like, you need every member, so??? lol, like, what the fuck. It doesn't matter, though, because both Alex and Tommy return and it's all good and blah blah blah. They do the Olympics. I think all four whites lose their fights? Like, duh, could've told you that! Alex has some drama with his shoulder who cares next. Finally we get to Tommy and his showdown with Dae Han Park. What was really funny and super-racist throughout the entire film were the clips they'd show of the Korean Team and how they trained. They were portrayed as...machine-like monsters. Described as training 24/7, 365 days a year and shit. They eat, sleep, breathe and defecate karate chops. It was really excessive. Also it highlighted how fucking dumb it was to have all those chalkasians on the US Team. You're telling me this go hard as fuck Korean team's competition are some measly corn-eating ass niggas from Bumfuck, Wherever, USA? NOPE. That's not even close to realistic. End this movie before it even starts. 

So Tommy fights Dae Han Park. At first he's losing, then SURPRISE, he's not anymore. Shock. Tommy is destroying Dae. At some point, Dae is just standing up sort of zombie-swaying. He looks like he's about to crumble. It's a very F I N I S H  H I M moment. But it's made clear that if Tommy takes the shot, Dae Han will die. But Dae took the shot when fighting Tommy's bro, so?????? But Tommy is noble or whatever, and lets Dae live. Then Dae like hugs Tommy or some shit? Idk, the ending is hella gay and also that would never happen. But, sure! Sure sure!!

In conclusion, this movie was trash and I can't believe there are sequels that I absolutely will be watching ugh. I hope ugh Chris ugh Penn ugh is ugh in ugh tughem. 

bye