One Direction: This Is Us (2013)

I'm a fake ass One Direction fan. 

My 1D order is: Zayn. 

Zayn is no longer in the band and I am Team Zolo Dolo hardcore. This was an awkward documentary to watch, though, because my fave, ~the mysterious one~, is barely fucking in it. Also you can just really tell how fake I am by watching this doc like two years after it came out. I definitely enjoy 1D's music, like I'm pretty obsessed with the latest album Four, and they have a lot of poppin' songs on the other albums as well. I'm fake in that I only started caring about 1D back in the day because it looked like a lot of gay stuff was going on, and I love gay stuff. No homeo bromeo type shit. I was reluctantly into the video for "What Makes You Beautiful" even though I dislike songs where dudes are telling chicks, "Hey, I think you're cute, so stop being insecure lol xoxoxo ;)" Like, gag. But also they were like teens when that song came out so I'll give it a pass. Also I just like the song...like how it sounds, sigh. And Harry being hella obnoxious in the video is what I remember a lot. So I started out being shallowly interested in Harry, which led me to discover the ~~gay stuff~~, mainly concerning he and Louis, but also all of them are constantly touching each other all the time and rough housing and just being very that beginning part in a porn about a boys sleepover. Not that...I've ever............

So anyway! At first I was into Harry, who sort of seemed like maybe he was the Beyoncé or JT?? At first. Idk why. But that was who intrigued me first, but he wasn't enough to get me to really care about the band in like a legitimate way, and neither was their playful gay ass rough housing. But they were on my radar. I watched some videos of Liam singing online and was like "omg, he actually has a good voice" lol, so he sort of bumped Harry out of my head as the main one I'd be interested. But still I listened to other music and cared about other bands/artists way more than them??? It wasn't really until "Steal My Girl" came out and I became obsessed with that song that I really got into them lol which was like...last year. So I'm fake af, but I really really got into the music and also ZAYN. So I'm also almost a fake af Zayn fan, but not really because I legitimately really love him and his voice and I think he's super-talented and pleeeaaassseee give meeeeëęėèéêē that solo droppppp. No, but I don't want to pressure him!! I don't want him to be woken up while he's asleep to tiredly record some fucking songs OMG DID YOU SEE THAT??! Omg this movie made me mad. Like...I mean...I guess they get what...being a touring artist is?? And I guess a lot...of artists have to do stuff like this? But I was so fucking mad when that dude woke Zayn up to record a fucking bridge like omg couldn't he have done it in the morning or something WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS??! And he was all tired and shit singing sleepily PLEASE!!! LEAVE MY BABY ALONE!!

This entire doc made me mad concerning Zayn. 1, because he was barely in it. Like...there was soooooo much Niall. Why? Why, Lord? 

2, 

this^. Why? Why did you do this, documentary? Firstly, this moment almost made me shed a crystallized tear. However, it was so obviously staged for filming, and that made me extremely uncomfortable. Like, yes, I get how documentaries work. But...wow, Morgan Spurlock. Did you really force this mother and son to have this super-intimate personal ass moment on-screen for entertainment purposes? YES, I SAID I GET HOW DOCUMENTARIES WORK. PARTICULARLY YOURS. YES, THANK YOU. 

So anyway thanks for explaining why Zayn left the band :))))))))) ugh

Okay let's go over my 1D order again. 

1 - 5:

But okay Zolo is out of the band, so now let's go over whom I'll pretend to care about now that they're an ambrosia salad ass foursome. 

Whom I'll pretend to care about now:

Liam can sing, and also he called Zayn a sexy secretary in the doc. Liam strikes me as...earnest, but at the same time...fake? I think I'm saying fake because I think I read, prob on tumblr so prob it's false, that Liam sort of tries to keep a good face, even when he's clearly really stressed. And I felt like I could tell that by watching this? Like when they were in that store and all those fans were outside the door and he was sort of freaking out. First of all, if that was happening to me, I'd start crying. Crying and bitching and Ariana Grande-level talking shit about my fans. So the fact that Liam was only like "...it's a little strange". Wow, I felt bad for him because why wasn't he erupting into blood-curdling screams??? Confused!! 

But can we also talk about how Liam is a nazi?

lol remember when he was like shushing and hyping the crowd and it was like LOOK AT HOW POWERFULLLLL I AMMMMMMM. I think Niall also did this a couple of times. Wow, I could never be famous because 1st of all I'd be hella disrespectful to fans. If they were cheering for me or some shit I wouldn't get all Playful Hitler with them, I'd be all like "um, chill" and then they'd stop being fans and I'd lose all my money and go bankrupt and have to do commercials for Life Alert or one of those credit score websites. The American Dream. 

Alright now let's talk about when he was putting on pants

And was all like "keep the camera up here". Hmmm, okay Morgan Spurlock, okaaaay. 

Harry was my first love, so he'll always have a place in my heart. I like his voice - both his singing and speaking voice. I love a good...speaking voice. 

Now let's talk about how fake Harry is. lol remember when he went back to his bakery job? I guess this nigga thinks he's Josh Hutcherson from those Hungry Games movies?? Also the way he talks about baking as if he'd been doing it all his life and then he randomly auditioned for The X-Factor and his entire world was changed and omg he's Susan Boyle. Except, weren't you like twelve or fifteen or some shit lol before you auditioned? They're all like ~~we were regular lads AND THEN~~. Like, yes, but also you were only regular lads for like the first thirteen years of your life lol calm down. 

 

Harry's cute, though, and he has some ~funny~ moments in the movie. I Iaughed at his Keith Richards line? Siiiiiiiiigh. Also it was funny when Niall said Ireland was the best country or whatever and Harry was like "no, absolutely not" or something. Siigighgh I laughed siiiiighg. 

But omg can you imagine Harry and Taylor Swift dating?? Lol isn't her song "Style" about him? Why am I being gossipy right now but I just don't see how that ten day relati--oh. Right. It ended pretty quickly didn't it? Well, there ya go!! Team Larry even though I hate Louis 4evevevevrvrvevever/ 

Whom I will never care about, no matter how many "funny" ~~stunts~~ he pulls:

Like, I just don't lol. Like do even the diehard fans care?? lol But it's cool he plays the guitar??? But, gah, I just can't get that image of him walking, then running to the window out of my head. Remember when he was going to the window to show Morgan Spurlock or whoever how the fans would cheer if he opened the window? That was soooo awkward, and also they were probably cheering "Where's Zayn?" because that's what the fuck I'd be cheering. It's what I will always be cheering. 

Whom I hate with a passionate fury:

Look at that rat!!

I hate Louis' voice - both speaking and singing. Lol it's like...high. But...weak. And scratchy? Also I hate his face and his hair. Watch I end up loving him the most - this shit always happens!! Ugh, also he had some funny moments in the movie? Like when they were trying on stage outfits and he was like "This is my 'i'll rob your nan' look" or something siiiigh. He seems sassy, and like he pops off sometimes?? Idk, I DON'T WANT TO LIKE HIM BECAUSE I REALLY HATE HIM. He makes me go "ugh" a lot. But then when he made that fake ass return trip to his old job at Toys"R"Us and did a little thing on the piano - sigh. I refuse to like him. Unless he comes out really publicly one day, like, and ends up confessing his love for Zayn instead of Harry like everyone expects, then maybe I'll like him. But probably not. Zayn is too good for him, I won't approve of that relationship. 

So anyway I don't know why I watched this documentary, and I 100% regret it. It was not revealing in any way, and the lack of Zayn really made me sad. And then I started feeling guilty for wanting him to be on-screen more, like clearly he doesn't like that type of attention and stuff like this is why he left the band??? Ugh, life is so hard. I wish I liked the other ones who clearly are more into...I guess...being famous? Like I wish I really loved Niall instead of feeling entirely indifferent towards him???? It's like...I want things to be hard, you know? But anyway, I sort of hope music docs go back to the Purple Rain style of doing things. Like, totally, make a "doc" centered around your music to promote it, and then write like a shitty screenplay to accompany the music. And star in it and be really terrible but secretly amazing. 100% I'd watch a One Direction: One Movie or some bullshit like that. It'd be less fake than this fucking documentary, I'll tell you that much. How many more times will I write the word fake. You're frauds!! And I'm pretty sure Louis is Tom Cruise dressed as that rodent from Ratatouille. Someone look into that!!