The Good Son (1993)

This is one of my favorite terrible films. Firstly, it stars two of my all-time fave child actors. I'm someone who cares, specifically, about child actors from the nineties. Because that's when I was a kid? Like who are the relevant child stars today? I have no idea. Lily from Modern Family? Diane from Blackish? Yes, they're cute, but neither of them are Raven-Symoné, so. And certainly neither of those hos are my queen Macaulay Culk. For no reason, I really love Macaulay Culkin. (I read Junior...) Eventho I've seen him act as an adult, and his shit left much to be desired. I don't always feel like I have to love someone because they're talented lol. Macaulay just has that je ne sais quoi bullshit that makes not totally talented people star-worthy or whatever. Like Rihanna. Macaulay is the child actor version of Rihanna. Are these songs (movies)...good? Mmmm...??? Is the singing (acting)...acceptable?? Ehhhh...BUT THERE'S SOMETHING! THERE'S SOMETHING HERE I LIKE/LOVE. Maybe it's their uniqueish first names. Like, who's named Macaulay/Rihanna? And follow up questsh: When am I going to finally end my life????!

Elijah Wood is better at acting than Mac, right? Mac is sort of robotish or something. Which works here, as he is playing a fucking sociopath. Anyway, I love them both! Elijah is really cute and cries good and stuff, while Mac is sort of an enigma to me and has black people lips for no reason. So this movie is already great for having both of these idiots I really love in it. If only they'd thrown in Joe Mazzello to complete the child star trifecta/threesome and make this 100% perfect. Joe could've played like a dopey neighbor boy. Or like, just a younger version of Dustin from The Social Network. Extended belly for no reason and all! If anyone's reading this, which I doubt, they have...they just have zero idea what's happening right now sigh. 

Another great thing this film has that I love is ~a crazy kid~. I guess I'm into the psycho kid thing? Though I'm 100% never on Team Bad Seed. Like...have you ever seen Joshua? Team Sam Rockwell the entire time, I think. Lol @ when he pets his son's head and is like IT FEELS LIKE A HELMET, BUDDY. lol or something like that. Like, Sam, who's doing your kid's hair?? lol that movie...is a treasure. Or shit like Orphan - what is with Vera Farmiga being in all these crazy ass kids productions?? - where the psycho kid turned out to spoiler alert not even be a kid? Come on, that's cheating. And I definitely hated The Bad Seed in The Bad Seed. Patty McCormack needed to go somewhere with all that fake ass pigtails-having ass shit. Like, you're just being too obvious for me. Macaulay is too obvious in this movie, too lol. Like, it's awkward to watch Elijah telling the parents HEY YOUR KID IS FUCKING INSANE and them, like, slapping him and locking him away in rooms like "omg Elijah give it a rest". Ummmmm. Mac's just so obviously crazy and he so obviously murdered your son wtf?!?! 

Okay let me start at the beginning like four paragraphs into this mess but okay. 

So. Elijah Wood's character is named Mark, and he's @ a soccer game when his dad, played by David Morse, rudely interrupts, to pick him up to go see his dying ass mommy in the hospital. 

Right. Look how annoyed he is to be there instead of scoring goals, like. 

What I LOVE about this scene, is that Mark promises his mommy he won't let her die. Which, lol. Like, what exactly does he think he's going to do?? AND THEN THEY CUT TO THE NEXT SCENE AND IT'S HER FUNERAL. Like omg is this movie trolling? Was trolling a thing in 1993?? They can't be serious lol to have this precious little boy promising his mother that she won't die and then have the exact next scene be him walking up to her fucking casket or whatever. LIKE, COME ON, YOU CAN'T BE THIS HORRIBLE LOL. But honestly, why am I shocked - considering the film's subject matter. Like they straight-up have a psycho ass little boy who drowned his brother prob cuz he was cuter than him, like honestly. 

REAL QUICK LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW HENRY'S LITTLE BRO THAT HE KILLED IS RORY CULKIN

In my brain there are only three Culkins: Mac, Kieran & Rory. I know there are actually like 12 million, and one of those other ones is even in the movie

?????

But I only care about Mac, Kieran & Rory. What is my Culkin order? I think currently it's 1. Kieran, 2. Rory and 3. Mac? Hm...this is bad? Why is Rory number two? Like when is the last movie I've even seen him in what is this 2010??? Also I loved how no one asked me my Culkin order except for myself? Like I just asked myself my Culkin order for no reason?? Also who tf has a "Culkin order"????? Wow, just. 

Anyway back to the! Back to the...sigh. 

So Mark goes to live with Henry and his fam! David Morse conveniently has to go to Vegas like directly after the funeral to handle some business deal. He's like "...I don't want to leave Mark, he needs me". Yeahp. Your son sure does! Couldn't David Morse have told his fucking business partners that his wife just died and could they maybe handle their business deal over the carphone or fax machine or whatever the fucking technology was back then??? Like, come on! But whatever...for some reason, Henry's dad is really insistent that David Morse go handle his deal and that he and his wife will look after Mark while he's gone. Also conveniently? It's winter break. For I guess two weeks?? But when the movie opens Mark was playing soccer???? Is soccer winter?????? SURE, FINE, OKAY!

So when Mark gets to the house, he meets Susan

They have this weird, almost romantic sort of ~love @ first sight~ sort of moment?? Like they're in a field about to run into each other's arms??? They both looked sort of shocked to see each other, but happy. Susan says something that gets across she hasn't seen Mark since he was a baby. MY ISSUE? Why the fuck wasn't Susan at the funeral????? Isn't she Mark's aunt??? How...how was she related to Mark's mom? They were close to some extent! She had a picture of that bitch in her house like what the fuck?? She hasn't seen Mark since he was a baby and she didn't go to the bitch's funeral?? Uh okay lol. Maybe they lived really far apart? But Susan's ol' dude was at the funeral, so??? I mean, I guess she stayed home to take care of the kids? It just bothered me she hadn't gone to the funeral, and also Mark didn't know she lost a kid? What?? Her child died... What's up with the family dynamics here? And if they barely speak to each other, why the fuck is David Morse just dropping Mark off like it's all good? If Mark is on winter break, couldn't you have taken him to Vegas with you?? Like these people are nearly strangers to him... - come on, white people be trippin'. 

So right away Henry is trippin'. And not even white people trippin', though he is a very particular white boy kind of ~bad ass~~. Not bad ass, as in cool. But bad ass, as in, like, some lil vanilla milkshake ass nigga who'd shoot up their pre-school because they didn't get a gold star that week, ya feel me?? Ugh. 

Like, Mark's first night staying with them, Henry is pulling some weird sadomasochism ass shit, like punching Mark at the dinner table...and then Mark punches him back...and they smile??? Or were they playing footsies I forgot? 

LET'S TALK ABOUT HOW FUCKING GAY THIS MOVIE IS.

No?? Is it inappropriate to be reading homoerotic subtext in a movie starring little kids?? Like, I'm the weird one for sexualizing shit, but who made this movie hm???? Who wrote this shit hmmm??? Like, okay, I'm weird, but the more fucked up one is the person who wrote this shit. And then was like "lol let's film it". Okay? I'm not the worst one in this situation! And don't tell me whoever wrote this shit didn't intend for things to be gay as hell, because why then go ahead and cast pouty lipped ass Culkin and adorable twink gap-toothed ass fucking Elijah Wood, hmmm??? Hm???? 

So anyway! Henry is BAD!!!

HE SMOKES CIGARETTES!!! 

AND PEER PRESSURES NON-SMOKERS INTO SMOKING BY SPOUTING NIHILIST ASS NIETZSCHE ASS YOLO DOLO ASS FUCKING SCRIPTURE.

Hold on here. I had a huge prob with Henry just wandering all around in the woods, going to fucking cemeteries; he had a fucking tree house that was high up as hell and had a dangerous ass ladder leading up to it - where the fuck is he getting cigarettes? WHERE ARE THE PARENTS HERE??? WHY DON'T THEY PAY ATTENTION TO HIM?? WHY DO THEY JUST ALLOW HIM TO GO ANYWHERE ADVENTURING ALL THROUGHOUT THE WOODS AND SHIT AND PLAYING IN ABANDONED FACTORIES AND THROWING ROCKS AT WINDOWS AND SHIT? This is how Columbine happens, people! Like, get this little nigga right now!! Snatch his ass up and tell him to stay in the house and do chores! Or is locking your kids up how Columbine happens? Both??? When does Columbine not happen? Like...what's the happy medium? I guess...don't be white??? Well, sigh, what the fuck is Henry supposed to do about that??? He can't help his whiteness!! But look at Mark! Mark would never Columbine, right? Soccer is the answer, I think. And a more stylish haircut. He got that Jonathan Brandis 'do, and, even though his mother is dead as fuck, he'll always be a stylish nineties pre-teen. Henry? Eh. Like he has cool sneaks and stuff, but he's a little too Oshkosh B'gosh for my taste. He will not be killing it in middle school, I can tell you that much!! 

So Henry is a piece of shit because his parents don't watch him. They're too busy buying chunky cable knit turtlenecks and not cleaning out the shrine that is their dead son's room, to worry about parenting their bad ass son. So that's why Henry kills dogs and stuff. At this point I'm yelling @ the screen for Mark to tell someone about this psychopath, but then later on in the movie I felt bad because he did tell on Henry and no1 believed him. The message of this story is definitely never report any crimes you see. Snitches get stitches, and that's just way too true in so many ways. Is your best friend a baby murdering psychopath? Shh, yo. No one will believe you, and also if you tell he'll probably find out and be mean to you. You def don't want to be on a murdering psychopath's bad side. But like, what is their good side??????

What I don't like about this movie is that they didn't take any real risks. The only legit shocking thing that happens, happened off-screen and in the past, what with Henry drowning the little brother. But in the movie, he only kills that dog. And we don't even get to see it. Not that.......I wanted to see it. But no one is in any real danger here. The sister doesn't drown lol which I 100% wanted her to, he doesn't touch any other members of the family, and the Mr. Highway stunt ends up only giving people involved in the crash "minor injuries". Like, if you're going to go there with the whole bad seed angle, like, go there. There was like a crazy car pile-up when he dropped Mr. Highway and you're telling me NO MAJOR INJURIES? lol, okay. 

Do I really love this^ scene? I think yes. Henry is like "Mom, Mark wants to move into [dead kid]'s room!!"  and Mark is like "...I didn't say that!" while the mom is getting all panicked and uncomfortable about the thought of moving someone else into Dead Kid's room. And then the dad is like "Susan, it's a good idea". LIKE, DAMN, SON. Way to put your wife on blast in front of the kids, what the fuck??? She's all uncomfortable and shit! lol, wtf, lay off. And then Mark keeps saying..."But I didn't say that" and aw I felt so bad for him. Like I'd be crying if Macaulay did that to me omg. Because Susan is totally his replacement mom and he wants her to love him and Henry is trying to ruin that relationship obviously and I'd just throw up. Also I really love Macaulay here, I think? This is such a...strange film to allow your child to act in lol. I wonder how old he and Elijah were when they filmed this. Maybe pre-teens? Maybe younger? I just wonder how aware they were of the material and what they were doing lol. Macaulay seemed almost too aware to me, like you're playing this psychotic ass kid a little too well for me please stop looking like that please!!!

STOP IT!!!! 

So...after the sister ends up in the hospital because Henry was just watching her drown in that cold ass water

LIKE DID NO ONE SEE HIM JUST CHILLIN'??? lol Mark did and then he tried to say some shit and he got slapped BUT OKAY! Anyway, so after the sister ends up in the hospital and Mark tries to tell the mom about Henry and he gets slapped, Susan approaches Henry like "...what happened on the ice". And Henry is all *blank sociopath face* "lol, we already went over this :)". And the Mom just nods like "hah yeah" BUT YOU CAN TELL SHE'S TOTALLY SUSPICIOUS OF THIS LITTLE DEMON NOW - FINALLY! But also now Henry knows Mark tried to snitch, so he's threatening him and shit. Threatening to kill everyone. I'd be like "lol as long as you don't touch me, sweetie :))))". I think Mark calls his dad and is like GETCHOR ASS OVER HERE NOW THIS CRAZY NIGGA IS TRYNA KILL ME!!! I was half expecting David Morse to be like "lol boys'll be boys" or some shit like that, but he says he's coming to get Mark, but in the meanwhile, Mark should go to that loopy therapist bitch he's been seeing. Mark goes to see her, but Henry has already beat him to the punch and of course he's spinning it so that Mark looks like the crazy one, eventho Henry is just clearly the insane one lol he's way too calm come on it's always the calm ones. Like, where did this therapist get her degree - DeVry? Come on. 

So the "Don't fuck with me" line comes from Henry confronting Mark, I think, after Susan questions Henry. He's getting scared and it's adorable!!! I might be getting my timeline wrong, though. I forgot a lot of things that happened even though I've seen this movie multiple times. Like...what's the dad? Just. what is he??

So Susan finally has a real confrontation with Henry when she finds dead kid's rubber duckie in Henry's creepy serial killer lair. She's all like, "............Why do you have this, Henry? You know I've been looking for this." Henry sums it up that the duck was his first. DID THIS NIGGA KILL HIS LITTLE BRO OVER SOME FUCKING RUBBER DUCKIE? Wow, cis white male entitlement to the eXtreem lol. Susan straight-up asks Henry if he killed Rory. Henry is like YUP. This nigga really doesn't care. However, he is afraid of being locked up in an asylum. His fears seemed suspiciously grown up. Like, why is he so aware of insane asylums and what would happen to someone like him?? So odd. But all of his behavior is really weird, and a lot of things he says in the movie are very adult. And not adult like how he tells Mark not to fuck with him and it's like *shock* a kid cursing! Just...a lot of things Henry says and the way he speaks should be beyond his...mental capacity?? Even if he's like a really intellectual little kid, it doesn't entirely add up. I feel like the writers were just like...okay crazy kid...let's just give him Hannibal Lecter's monologues from The Silence of the Lambs and blammo1!! Except, no....

My fave :') Definitely the best part of the movie is when the mom is at the top of the cliff and she has Henry dangling from one arm and Mark from the other. Mark is slipping and about to fall, Susan chooses to shake Henry off her arm to save Mark, the good son. WHAT'S SO FUNNY TO ME IS...couldn't...Mark have latched on to Henry and then Susan could have pulled them both up? lol Or do I not understand physics or whatever? Probably that, but also I feel like the filmmaker(s) were really reaching so they could have that pivotal dramatic ass moment with Susan choosing Mark's life over her own son's lol. I wouldn't need to have them both dangling off a cliff to shove Henry to his death, but lol okay!!! I was wondering, however, how Susan would explain this mess to the cops. Well, she's white, so prob they wouldn't investigate too deeply, but - Susan already has that one dead kid. And a drowning death can be suspicious. It'd definitely become a hell of a lot more suspicious if yet another kid turns up dead. Wouldn't they be like, "Hey...why were you out there on that cliff with them like that??" Would she tell the cops, "Look, it's the newly dead kid who killed the other dead kid, ok?"?? Would Mark back her up?? Even if he did, I feel like child services would be like "You know...you and kids, Susan? Doesn't really mix!! How 'bout we just take your last alive kid away from you and you can focus on other activities. You're a doctor or some shit, right? Do that! Spend all the free time you have not raising anymore kids, becoming a better doctor!! Also, maybe get a less obvious early nineties hairdo. Like, you're not Bridget Fonda and...like...even if you were, why would you want to be????"