Tammy (2014)

This movie was...I don't know. Definitely not good. Definitely not that in any way. When the movie ended I was happy that it was over. But while watching, I wasn't totally distraught. Like, I've seen worse comedies, and this might not even come close to the worst supposedly "funny" movies I've seen. Like I definitely had some light-hearted chuckles...during my viewing. My lasting impression, though, was def: "hmm, wtf??" or, more conservatively: "But...why?" 

So the movie starts out with Tammy running over a deer. Or a buck?? Like, it doesn't matter??? Anyway she hits this huge animal thing which lowkey might've been a moose tbh I can't tell animals apart like when is a fox a fox and not a wolf and when is a wolf not a coyote and when is a fox not a coyote but a bobcat, right??? So she hits this animal but it ends up being okay but she has blood all over her clothes and shit! She shows up to work and her boss is like "wow ur gross and late - ur fired". He sweats a lot, Tammy makes fun of his sweat stains. I feel weird about jokes concerning excessive sweaters because I'm one and I used to be really self-conscious about armpit stains like it can't be helped hyperhidrosis is a thing!! 

So the scene at Tammy's job is I guess funny? I mean, not really. There are some funny bits but overall it's flat. I guess it's sort of funny that Tammy thinks it's okay to turn up to work looking a hot mess covered in blood and clearly uncombed for many months hair?? I feel like one entire joke about this movie is supposed to be Tammy's "look". But I feel like it'd be only funny if I didn't associate her look with like ALL White Trash. I just accepted that Tammy was White Trash and like lived in a White Trash town and that was just supposed to be a fact presented and not, like, a joke??? So thumbs down at whoever thought they could just coast by getting a ton of laughs out of Tammy's look. It would've been funnier had they'd given her that cliché "I fuck black guys" look with the long hair in the front and short in the back with like french tips that haven't been in-style since like 2004. And really, they weren't even really en vogue then. Like wasn't everyone wearing those fucking Juicy Couture sweatsuits? Jesus. Anyway, that particular aesthetic would have been more humorous to me but whatever I didn't write this movie thank god. 

So after Tammy is fired she goes home to her husband Nat Faxon, whom I cannot fucking stand, and he's having dinner or something with Toni Collette, which...why the fuck is Toni Collette slumming in this mess?? And why am I still mad about United States of Tara being cancelled??!? SHOWTIME GAVE CALIFORNICATION LIKE 12,000 SEASONS COME. THE. FUCK. ON!!! So Tammy gets mad or whatever that her husband is cheating on her, though I have no idea why. If I was married to Nat Faxon I'd be relieved I could finally leave him. Though I would never marry him in the first place ugh lol and certainly I would not wait around for...a reason to leave his ass. Just looking at his face, like just the thought of waking up to his face every morning would be enough for me to slowly poison him over a period of three years by pouring like cleaning solution in his gatorade? What was it that lady did on some show I was watching on ID or whatever? She put like cyanide or bleach or windex or some shit in her dude's gatorade and he died. But like on his autopsy it looked like a diabetic shock thing or something. lol but joke's on her because she still got caught and is in prison. Though she totally sounded convincing when she said she never poisoned him. I totally believe her, and also I'm the type of person to probabaly be con artisted. Super-gullible and quick to just accept anything people say, especially if they're an oldish white lady. Is this how slavery happened???? Wait - what am i....

Right! So...Tammy leaves her husband and goes down the street to her mom's house played by Allison Janney and siigighghh blah blah skip skip Tammy ends up going on some random road trip with Susan Sarandon, who plays her grandma, Pearl. I will say, I thought it was ridiculous Susan was made up to look like some old ass bitch, but she still looked cute

af!! Like, I love Susan Sarandon so gimme all the Sarandon goodies even if she's made up to look like some slow walking ass bitch getting in my way on the sidewalk because I still don't have a fucking license. Speedy it up with the walker, granny!!! I'm in a rush to get to McDonald's to pay one whole dollar for the cheapest tasting fucking coffee...like, for real bruh, you get your money's worth with that shit. It tastes like actual 100% piss. But like Arabic piss, so...fancy???? 

Can we talk about when Tammy and Pearl went to that park or whatever and were looking at some statue and Pearl admits to having had a six month relationship with Duane Allman or something and Tammy is like berating her for fucking the "wrong" Allman bro. And then Tammy admits to having been fingered by Boz Scaggs, but for her grandma not to worry, because she didn't think it was really Boz Scaggs. First of all...for no reason...this scene was funny to me. Like that whole bit about Boz Scaggs. But also I was really...confused. How does Tammy know who the Allman Brothers are but not Neil Armstrong?? And why would she think...Lance Armstrong...rode his bike....sigh....on the mo..boons.igh. Are the Allman Bros like a white trash thing? I literally 0% know who they are lol, so 100% possibly!! 

After the statue viewing...they go waterskiing, right? And Tammy breaks the water...motorcycle thing...sigh. And it costs like 4 grand and Granny has to pay. And then she tells Steve Little that "muscle shirts are for muscles" and I got a nice hearty chuckle from that. Also this was the first time...I've realized Steve Little does not actually talk like Stevie from Eastbound & Down. I can't tell...if that's a relief...or really disappointing. Idk, man - life is hard. 

Then Tammy and Pearl go to a bar or whatever. Tammy is gloating about her sexual prowess and how she can attract any guy. Can't tell if we're supposed to think it's funny cuz Tammy's so gross?? Uh...I guess? Seriously I think Melissa McCarthy is cute as hell...so it's awkward when I see her in movies...like...having a lot of confidence but I feel like it's supposed to be a joke that her characters would be confident?? Like her character in The Heat...or Bridesmaids. Moreso in The Heat, because her character was really sort of sloppy like in this movie. But anyway...she goes up to these dudes and is all gruff, like, trying to solicit sex from them. They turn her down. Pearl tries to make Tammy feel better by implying the dudes were probably gay. Tammy is all "love your lifestyle!!" at them or whatever. It's vaguely funny?? I guess?? But not really??? Then Pearl catches the eye of Gary Cole and let's just talk about 

FUCKING GARY COLE AND HOW HOT HE IS AND YES @ HIM 4EVER!!!! lol, wow. But seriously he's forever dong and I'll never type that shit again I promise loljk it's such a useful term!!! It's so fucking useful to accurately explain how hot you think someone is, and how hot you always. fucking. will. Wow I should turn wayyyyy the fuck down. Always @ me. So anyway Pearl and Gary Cole are eye-fucking each other. Gary Cole has a son played by Mark Duplass who was...sigh...pretty irrelevant here. But, um, I thought he was cute? And I like never do?? So cringe smile at him for glo'ing up for just this one movie alone which seems like such an odd...movie to choose to be hotter than you usually are sigh idk. 

So Pearl and Gary Cole hook up. Tammy's attracted to Mark but...he's not feeling it, I guess? She pushes up on him at one point but he...rebuffs. Right, fine. Okay but after this in the parking lot where Pearl and Gary Cole are hooking up in a car, Tammy does a fucking 180 and is suddenly...idk, self-aware??? Which was so fucking weird. She apologizes to Mark Duplass for being aggressive back in the bar and pushing up on him and has like this little...normal human face on, which had not really at all been present previously in the film?? Where is this new Tammy coming from?? It was so. weird. And...that was a huge gripe I had with this film. Actually, I read reviews about this movie like a year ago, I guess, when it first came out, basically saying the film was afraid to have a really piece of shit protagonist and tried to make things all sweet and schmaltzy and shit. Which 100% they did!! Like I'm watching the movie sort of nodding at those reviews I read, completely agreeing that Tammy was afraid to really Degrassi-style go there. This movie would've been SO MUCH BETTER had Tammy been consistently garbage and learned ZERO lessons. But I do tend towards comedy about p.o.s. losers who never learn and grow. Like of course I love shit like Seinfeld and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and of course everything can't be those things unfortunately lol but...this movie would have 100% benefitted from being that type of thing. 

So whatever lol Tammy and Pearl end up in jail at one point for fighting some teens in a parking lot. Pearl bails Tammy out, but she's held on charges of possession of oxycontin or whatever. Tammy doesn't have the money to bail Pearl out, so she robs a Topper Jack's... HATED the slow motion like ~~bad ass~~ scene in the parking lot where Tammy's dancing around with that bag on her head and a fake paperbag gun to fucking "Thrift Shop". It was just...the most embarrassingly whitest shit I've ever seen in my life. Which...prob that was the point? But don't ever in your life have it be the point again. Okay? Okay. 

The robbery scene itself was pretty funny, I think? The two employees were funny. And I guess Tammy robbing them with that bag on her head is funny, maybe?? And then asking for pies. What's really funny to me is that I just googled Topper Jack's to see how to correctly spell it lol and...I didn't realize it was a real place. Also it has 1 star on google reviews lol. But seriously if they have a multiple variety of pies I want to 100% go there. Like McDonald's only has apple. And it's unglazed?!?!?!? HELLO!!! GET WITH THE PROGRAM!!! 

The robbery is a success and Tammy gets the money to bail Pearl out. Problem #1: Tammy only takes enough money to bail Pearl out. What's with having morals during a robbery?? Like, you're rock bottom at this point: just go all out!! Take everything!! Like, what logic?? And that was pretty much my only problem but a very big one!! lol and then Tammy gets to the police station and Pearl is already out because she called up Gary Cole for bail money. So Tammy robbed Topper Jack's for no reason. The robbery is reported on the news, Pearl finds out it's Tammy, they flee to Kathy Bates' house. 

Kathy Bates is Pearl's lesbian cousin. COOL!! She owns a chain of pet stores or some shit and is ballin' and she gets to fuck Sandra Oh!! omg wowie!!! Kathy Bates malatov cocktails Tammy's getaway car she used during the robbery. RIGHT SO WE'RE BURNING THE CAR BUT TAMMY ISN'T GETTING RID OF THAT BEAR SHIRT THEY PERFECTLY DESCRIBED ON THE NEWS??? OHHHHHH OKAAAAAY. Ugh, anyway, so...later Kathy Bates and her lesbian friends have a party and for some reason this means Tammy needs a makeover???? She fits right in, in my opinion, but okie dokie!! 

This is the...the...makeover. Oh...kay??? Like...I...

And what is the purpose of it?! So Tammy can impress Kathy Bates' friends??? Or...so Mark Duplass will find her more palatable????? Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. AND WHAT WAS WITH KATHY BATES GIVING HER THAT FUCKING SPEECH?? I would've been like, "mind ya business, ho - i don't too much even know you". Like seriously, Tammy hasn't seen Kathy Bates since she was a kid...and Tammy even said she didn't know her...but Kathy Bates still felt like she could lay some truthbombs?? And she wasn't even giving her speech and having it relate to Tammy...she was all like "DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD ME AND SANDRA OH HAD TO WORK TO GET TWELVE PET STORES?!?!?!? WE DIDN'T HAVE THEM HANDED TO US!!!" uh, okay...no1...said you did??? Like??? 

Also at the lesbian party Mark Duplass expresses...sexual interest in Tammy? Or he at least wants to chill more? He says he finds Tammy interesting and that he has a boring life or whatever. Wow, real dream boat you got there. But Tammy turns him down cuz SHE'S STILL MARRIED??? ummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm did you forget about Nat Faxon totally fucking Toni Collette??? Like okay?!?!!??!? 

Anyway ugh the next morning Tammy thinks Pearl is dead but she's not blah blah she apologizes to Tammy for calling her a cheeseburger. Or, she...remembers she called Tammy a cheesburger as they're shoving her into an ambulance. The Pearl fake death out was funny, though I totally called it because I had a 3.7 GPA I think in high school which means literally nothing!!!! I dropped out of college!! I do this now!!! But it was def funny...mostly. And then after Pearl is carted away to the hospital Tammy is arrested by some cops BECAUSE HELLO SHE IS WEARING THAT BEAR SHIRT THEY DESCRIBED IN HER DESCRIPTION ON THE FUCKING NEWS!!! But okay!!! 

Like 37 days later or something she gets out of jail??? Is it because she returned the money? Um, still. Her dad Dan Akyroyd appears out of nowhere to pick her up from jail. The prison guard person or whatever is like "See you later" or something and Tammy is like "um hope not"...and I sigh...thought that was funny. Tammy goes back to her house she shared with Nat Faxon and her shit is already all packed up. Omg when she comes in and sees Toni Collette has set some of her stuff up and she's like "see you made yourself at home...bold". Just the way McCarthy said the line was hilarious and made me forget everything I hated about this movie :')) Then later she goes to see Pearl in the old folks home she's living in now. Teaching exercise classes. And I just want this review to be over omg lol. They go to Niagra Falls and it's beautiful!!!! And for some reason Mark Duplass shows up?!??!??!?!? And...cute moment gag?!?!?! And then thank god this shit is over please!!! Please!!!!!!!!!

Overall: no. I'm still excited about McCarthy as a movie star, though, because I think she's funny and also, like, can act. Like she's not just funny...there's like...a thespian or some shit jammed up in there. So I'll continue to stan but please no more of this mess. But def more of you on movie screens. And maybe I'm excited about the Ghostbusters remake even though I don't care about the original one. It has to end up being at least a little funny. Def stanning lowkey for the cast - so let's do this!!! Please don't...please don't make me sad... I'm just...so often sad, you know?!?!