So, I'm watching the tail-end of this Red Carpet coverage. Matt Le Blanc or whoever this news guy is just told us what the ~*~CELEBS~*~ would be dining on. Ribs and pear wine or some shit. He was all, IN CASE ANY OF YOU OUT THERE WERE WON--Let me stop you right there. NO ONE WAS.
And then Matt Damon came on and they were all like "YOU PLAY A SEVENTEEN YEAR OLD. THAT IS CRAZY" and then Matt D said how he was telling the other Matt that it was "all CGI" and then he laughed but no one else did *crickets* God, and his fumble to recover. I love you Fat Damon (go back to being fat).
Just watched the most awkward interview with the best thing about Nashville Hayden P and omg these interview people are terrible. I feel so bad for these idiots. Also, jealous. I want Hayden Panitierejebemjduehe to be trying super hard to disguise her disgust for me. What a dream job, for real.
Get this Winter's Tale shit in my life right now. Colin Farrell with Boardwalk Empire hair? YES, PLEASE.
"WHO ARE YOU WEARING, CATE" Instead of asking this bitch what her fucking secret to life is. Wasted opportunity, idiot interviewers ;)
Kate Beckinsale is gorgeous. I wish I cared about her. At least she name dropped Daniel Brühl. Much respect.
Carson Daly: "I was thinking about my simple, redneck family in the midwest whom I'm estranged from - THEY LOVE THE GLOBES CUZ THEY HAVE NOTHING ELSE"
Tina looks gorrrrrrrrrrrrrgeous
Yes, that Tam Honks joke. ON POINT
Bradley Cooper got a chemical peel. Called it.
Julia Louis-Dreyfus nailed it. All of it. Get out of here, Witherspoon.
Omg, that Clooney joke. Donnnnnn nn ne.
"I will never look at slavery the same way again" lol
Why am I more excited that JLaw brought Nick Hoult than that she won? Cuz I'm a bad person. Oh she just gave props to I Heart Huckabees. Yessss. Ugh, she is so cute. Plzzzz stoppp
I'm mad they made Jacqueline Bisset walk like a fucking 5k to get to the stage. I have no idea what just happened but this will probably turn out to be the "best speech" of the night. I need to know way more about Jacqueline Bisset now. Also...they fucked up the censors, right? Cuz "shit" definitely slipped through. Unless that's cool on network TV now like how "bitch" was approved back in 2008 or whatever.
Ugh, Top of the Lake DESERVES SOMETHING, DAMN. No respect.
"...Behind the Candelabra" *long ass bored clapping shot of Lorne Michaels* Like, BtC was good but not Top of the Lake good. Fucking ridick.
OH MY GODDDD ARE YOU KIDDING YESSSSSSS. Elisabeth Moss soooooo deserves this shit. So happy! Finally. Ugh, calm down I want to die. Also, so rude that the TV people are relegated to the back. Like, so blatantly rude it's almost funny. It is funny.
"It's me, the garbage man." I knew he took that shit to heart. Love Matt soooo muchhhhhhhhhhh
I love how Margot Robbie thinks she's being like hazed by The Hollywood Foreign Press. That's actually really cute and awwwww.
BCRANST! (i h8 myself). Ugh he told Aaron he loved hiimmmmmmm. Hellllpppp meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Yes Aaron Paul giving me one more "Yeah, bitch" THIS IS ALL I NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED
I hate Puff Daddy so much :')
Who is this Alex Ebert child? First of all, he is cute in like...a Devendra Barnhart type of way and that lil passionate kiss he laid on his woman or sister or whatever was also cute. What is this St. Bart's story? Also, is Alex Ebert just Ryan Gosling doing method? That is EXACTLY what is happening right now omfgggg
Anytime the camera is on Chris Martin he gets all weird. Like, I suspect he's a huge dork ball but doesn't want anyone to see. Like, we totally just saw you gigglin'. Stop frontin', Chris.
Wait. Is Chris actually smiling when the cameras are on him? MALARKY! #ilovecoldplay I wonder what he and Gwyneth talk about. Do you think they watch Homeland together and Chris has to say "your Carrie would be so much better. She'd be able to self-cure her bipolar disorder, for real" every time or he doesn't get his nightly hand job with the moisturizing gloves?
I love how Rob Lowe is more beautiful than all the actresses (except for Jared Leto).
#Team Olivia Wilde Dark Hair. Due to my obsessive consumption of Hulu shit I am forced to constantly see that Revlon commercial of her where she's whipping around on the street taking a pic of some random building. Her blonde hair is so garish with that fucking cough syrup grape looking ass lipstick. Dark hair for you forever thank youuuuu
...cannnnnnn RDJ just host all the awards? Also, it's HEDWIG. So. That joke was only okay because you're RDJ. LIKE I WAS SAYING CAN HE HOST ALL THE AWARDS?? (All the ones I watch, anyway. So, this and the Oscars. THANKS.)
YES, AMY! Finally some damn respect. For a super rich famous person. She is soooooo cute GODDDDDDDDDDDDDD
"I am on the chicken pot pie diet" I want this on my unmarked gravestone underneath "UNKNOWN" (So...not in any way unmarked)
Kyra and Kevin are super sexy and stuff. I thought their daughter was Khloe Kardashian when I didn't have my glasses on. Now that I do...it is confirmed that she is indeed Khloe Kardashian.
omg if Tatiana Maslany doesn't win...I will do nothing. BUT SHE BETTER FUCKING WIN.
Hmmm. Robin Wright is perfect, tho. I haven't seen House of Cards yet so I can only be mildly upset that Tatiana didn't win because maybe...Robin deserves it? BUT TATIANA PLAYS LIKE FIVE PEOPLE! Robin plays one (as far as I know), so...
Robin just said "gaggle of characters". So good. And then they cut to her toyboy Ben Foster laughing. SO GOODER.
Ooop, shots fired @ Shia LaBeouf. (I love you, Shia. It gets better~)
Are Jared and Idris friends? They totally touched each other in a bro way, right? Tiny little Brazilian bubble butt. This speech. BRADLEY IS SO UPSET THIS IS AMAZING. MORE CUTAWAYS TO HIM. More cutaways to all the men being jealous of Jared's prettiness. Ugh residual upsetness about Fassy not winning, though.
Emma Thompson released all her fucks to the heavens. #much respeck. She didn't release her gorgeousness, though. Ugh, the hair the dress ALL OF IT.
I will never get over Spike Jonze's voice. #dilf (he doesn't have any kids, right? I MEANT DIRECTOR)
LAURA DERRRRRRRRRRRN. Yes, Citizen Ruth shout out. I always assumed Laura and her dad were estranged. LITERALLY FOR NO REASON. I just thought her and her mom were super tight so obvi that meant she never spoke to her dad. Why am I so basic?
ANDY BROUGHT JOANNA! lol @ him winning for Brooklyn 99. He's the weak link on the amazing chain of that cast. (ugh @ me now). Aw okay his speech was nervous and cute. Nervous and cute prob cuz he knew he didn't deserve being up there. Noooooo let me stop being mean. I hope this means maybe the show will get more watchers? Prob not BUT FINGERS CROSSED. I want a season 2, dammit!
NEVER END THESE MATT DAMON JOKES (lol @ Melissa pointing repeatedly into the audience)
I love how Matt Damon is man of the night. Man of my life. STOP.
"Belt noting"? YOUR LIFE IS OVER. YOU HAD ONE CHANCE AND YA BLEW IT!
Wait, Colin Farrell is in Saving Mr. Banks? Now I have a reason to see it! No, I'm just kidding. Plenty of other reasons to force myself to struggle through that movie. Jason Schwartzman's nose is in that shit too, right? Two reasons. Or three. WINK (I mean cuz his nose is big and it counts as two reasons. I love JSchwartz I hope that is clear ugh)
Rob Lowe hates Amy Poehler, right? Two sassy divas on the same set? OF COURSE THEY BUTT HEADS. No, omg, he absolutely despises her THIS IS AMAZING I WANT GOSSIP FROM THAT SET RIGHT NOWWWW
lolomg they're playing "Stay" over this Labor Day trailer in a serious way. I need to see this hot mess immediately
hmmm...should I watch this About a Boy series? Like, when I heard it was being done I thought "LOL", but that one commercial just now completely sold me. Cuz I'm a mensch. I just looked up mensch and it doesn't mean what I thought it meant. Keepin' it.
Diane Keaton is pretty hot...is my takeaway from all of that. No, I have a lot more Woody movies I need to see. So much I need Blue Jasmine and Bullets over Broadway. Purple Rose of Cairo, too. That looks interesting.
This is sort of awkward that Diane is accepting this award in lieu of Woody. Is he just completely against these awards things? I guess that's cool. BUT THIS IS AWKWARD. To me. And toooooooo...a lot of people right now, tho, right? SHE'S FUCKING SINGING RIGHT NOW OMFG. Yall can clap all you want but Jesus has his arms crossed against his chest right now and he's shaking his lice-filled tresses at this mess and all you fakers are now dammed to hell
I love how Liam Neesons just tried to do something cute with "this is Gravittty" and no one cared. Aw I feel bad for him. So cute. I can't wait to see that plane movie it looks dumb but good in that way that makes me shame-cry and then shame-poop because crying relieves constipation. #themoreyouknow
I love how Affleck always looks depressed. Why do I love that someone is suffering from a serious mental illness? Because it's Ben Affleck. If it were anyone else I'd be deeply concerned (lol no I wouldn't)
I would totally take herpes from Alfonso Cuarón, sooooo
Oh, shit. More love for Brooklyn 99 YESSSSS GIVE ME A SECOND SEASON PLEAAAASSSSEEERREE. Detective Diaz looks so cute in her blue dress and glasses ughdklvjen
"So, when we have Cheerios it's kind of like having breakfast with nana?" NO, YOU IDIOT, BECAUSE NANA IS FUCKING DEAD
omg Joaquin and his mommy
Did Leo really just win over Christian Bale and literally everyone else? SIGH, FINE.
Joaquin throwin eye daggers - LOVE IT!
I sincerely hate wrap-up music. It's not like it even works to move these niggas off the stage. Shoot off some Hunger Games cannons. Each second they go over someone in the audience is killed. *cannon sound* I AM A GENIUS.
oh boy. No acting wins for 12 Years a Slave. This is a joke, right? Lupita and Michael were fucking magic I CAN'T DO THIS (Did they do best actor? If Chiwetel wins that's cute but Lupita and Michael just brought it so hard and I am devastated a little bit. I'll wait to see how the Oscars fuck up before I go full blown shooting spree)
I really need to see Rush. Niki Lauda seems like a super interesting character. AND DANIEL BRÜHL. "You look bloody good to me, man". So happy Chris said that. You're a cutie pie, Niki. Be confident ugh.
WHO IS THAT HUMAN WHO JUST AWKWARDLY SQUEEZED JLAW HELPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEE
Bradley whispered some catty shit to JLaw and she guffawed. HELPPPPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEE
Why is Bradley so orange? I cannot deal with him. (I love you, BCoop. It gets better~)
Wait. Is it pronounced BLANCHE-CHET? Like, is it just me or is Leo making her name sound super gross? I always pronounced Cate's name in a super soft like French-way. THIS IS IMPORTANT I NEED TO KNOW.
Omg, Cate's Judy Garland reference. I die.
SO HAPPY ABOUT ALL THE IDRIS CUTAWAYS TONIGHT.
I really need to see Dallas Buyers Club. This is cute that Matthew won eventho I have no idea if he deserves to win. lol omg he did his "alright, alright". DEATH.
Do you think Robert Redford is thinking "The dude from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (my secret favorite movie) just won an acting award over ME - star of Barbra Streisand's vagina in The Way We Were????"
McConaughey and his wifey are super sexy HELLPPPPPPPPP MEEEEEE
Finally, some 12 Years a Slave respect. Not the respect I was hoping for, but... Like, HOW DARE YOU NOT HONOR LUPITA AND MICHAEL?! But, okaaaaaaaay. Fiiiine. This is fiiinnne. Yes, shout outs to Fassbender thank you. Yes, Lupita. Bette Davis of America? Okay, fine. YES, SARAH PAULSON.
Fassbender LITERALLY HIT Steve McQueen. What a dummy omg (I love you, Fassy. It gets better~)
Why am I still alive? Let's end this ~live blog~ on that note
:)
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