This movie is so bland and inconsequential it's almost offensive. Except, not almost, just is.
1. Why would you remake an extremely shitty psychosexual thriller shot through the lens of the fucking Baby-Sitters Club from the eighties, and somehow make it much worse, less interesting, super-dumber, and a thousand percent more irrelevant??? You're highly doing remakes wrong. Not that remakes, have like, a good reputation or anything. But if you're going to remake some shit...at least add to it...in some way. All the things that made Endless Love from '81 at least mildly interesting are wholly absent from this film and replaced with jack shit. Where is the crazy ass boyfriend? Where is creepy Tom Cruise? Where is hot as fuck like fifteen year old Brooke Shields? You don't even have a corny ass theme song from some current day version of Lionel Richie! Where the fuck is the shitty fucking Bruno Mars single?! lol, wait, there might be one. Let me go see lol. So Spotify tells me there's a soundtrack, but no Bruno Mars. The soundtrack might actually be viable - I briefly perused it. This is like when The Twilight Saga ugh: New Moon's soundtrack was poppin', but the movie decidedly was not. Ugh, but at least Twilight has Charlie!
2. Hmm, but the dad in this movie was actually good, too.
Shout out to Bruce Greenwood for being basically the only noteworthy thing about this movie. And noteworthy in a good way, like not in that bad way Nicolas Cage would be noteworthy, or in that bad way this fucking movie is noteworthy for being a piece of worthless shit :)
Bruce Greenwood plays the daddy of our little jezebel whose name I don't remember, and because I want to be petty as fuck, I'm just going to call her Girl. Girl is a "loser" because she doesn't have any friends and reads books all the time and I guess she thinks she's fucking Belle from Beauty and the Beast and now we've come full circle because Pettyfer's whack ass was in the remake for that mess called actually Beastly and jesus christ so many white people and their shenanigans, so little time.
Pettyfer is Boy. He's been obsessed with Girl since forever, creepily watching her from a distance instead of walking up to the bitch and being like "lol hai" like pretty much 100% of boys would do who are not mute. Like, you don't even fucking have to know English, and even if you're mute, you can like, wave. You can mime or some shit. Open your mouth, bruh. You know what the beginning of--actually, this whole movie reminded me exactlyish of Say Anything... Well, at least a lot in the beginning. With Lloyd pursuing "ice queen" Diane after they graduate high school, and Diane is like...~out of his league~~ and Lloyd is maybe from the ~~wrong side of the tracks~~ because, idk, he looks maybe Asiany in that way Keanu Reeves does??? And he does kickboxing or some shit?? And his sister is fucking Joan Cusack, so that's gotta knock you back a couple of points. You know, I'm actually 100% certain this movie directly stole from Say Anything... because, they just did lol. They just did and I'm annoyed. Say Anything... is one of those rare romantic films that is actually good. And, even rarer, a romance about teenagers that's actually good. Like, I fucking love that movie and then I'm sitting here watching this lukewarm reheated ass Endless Love mess and it was just pissing me the fuck off. This movie also stole from The Notebook...and a few other movies I believe. Pretty much all Nicholas Sparxxx. But, weirdly, did not really steal anything from the actual movie it was supposed to be stealing from???? How do?? Magnets?? Work???????????
Wait, lol, I'm supposed to be talking about how much I loved Bruce, right? ugh
3. So! lol Bruce plays Girl's daddy and he's all ~~overprotective~~ or whatever. I guess because one of his kids died and...idk blah blah ugh. So when Girl starts dating Boy, Bruce is all ~~against it~~. Also it seems his wife has fallen for Boy, too. lol everyone in this white ass family is in love with Boy and Bruce is standing over here like
like...who is this nigga??
and the wife is like I LOVE BOY HE INSPIRES ME and Bruce Greenwood is like
and then everyone is like ugh Bruce get over it and he's like
Wow, I wish Peter Gallagher had been cast in this movie as Bruce's buddy and like he'd just be in the background of all the scenes, snickering at all the ~~family drama~~. You know, he's like ~the single guy~~, the 4ever bachelor, and he says things like "see, this is why I never got married/had kids" but then the camera will linger on his face too long after a sarcastic chuckle or something and we'll realize how truly fucking alone he is. Wow, I should have written this movie and cast it and acted all the parts except Peter's part. And except Bruce's part, he can stay. And that guy who tossed his keys at The Black One. Wait! I'll get to that later lol FOCUS ON BRUCE LOVE ugh.
So I loved Bruce because his character was a cunt and was always keepin' it real and tellin' it like it is and producing receipts and just being a complete and total goddess. AND OMG WHEN HE CALLED OUT SABINE. Like when they're all out on the patio or whatever and he's grilling Boy and then the son is like "he's just testing you" and talks about how Bruce did that to his girlfriend Sabine, and Sabine passed the test, and then Bruce turned to him like, "Did she pass? Because you still don't call her your girlfriend." FUCK! THIS NIGGA DOESN'T! GIVE! A! SHIT! lol, I screamed. And I was just really here for Bruce from that moment on. Play on, playa ugh.
ugggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggh
You're being hella, my guy. Just hella hella. This movie was really awkward with its diversity casting. Like, that dancing scene at the party alone - just, ugh. So much secondhand embarrassment that if I could translate it into coins I'd have a lot of coins. I'd break a few coinstar machines, b. And I'd press no to that would you like to donate question every. single. time. But what this movie really got awkward was...addressing racial...tension?? Why even bring it up?? Just do like all the other movies do and pretend we live in a fucking utopia and don't even acknowledge that people are different races/come from various cultures. This movie made it weird and had that valet scene with the douchiest-looking dude I have ever seen in my life, toss his keys at the black dude like he was a fucking trash receptacle, but for keys. So, a key receptacle. This nigga looked like a cross between Wes Bentley and Tobey Maguire, maybe?? But like, drained or exhumed or some shit. Just really fucking douchey. And...he threw his keys at the black one because...he was black, right?? But the movie doesn't go there and have the dude call him a nigger or anything, he doesn't even say "I want his black ass fired!" when he demands the black dude get fired. It was weird, like the dude was just a general douche instead of a racist one. Like when Pettyfer takes responsibility for stealing his car and the dude is like "Okay, well I want him fired!" But then he also demanded the black one still get fired??? What was this movie trying to do??? Trying to fail super hard, I guess. So, paradoxically, succeeding?? Lowkey I totally know what paradox means, right???
Am I buggin'? She's like an Asiany female copy of him??? Or just like a tanner...version of him...with a nice wig on??? AM I BUGGIN'???
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