I guess we have to talk about Jonah? BUT WHYYYYYYYYYYYY? I sort of hate the Twilight franchise for inflicting upon us soooooooooo many useless actors, with the exception of like RPatz and Anna Kendrick but let's not pretend Anna wouldn't have been just as successful without that mess. One of the idiots who blew up after the first movie was Cam Gigandet. "Blew up" as in, that wasn't his only movie. He was allowed...to be in other things after that first disaster. SO COOL YAY. Like at least he's not Kellan Lutz but secretly maybe I wish he was?????????? lol anyway Cam plays Elias' bro Jonah and he's insane. One Flew Over the Sterile Cuckoo's Nest insane, bruh. But not insane in a charming or pitiable way like how crazy people in movies are supposed to be so we care about them?? Like he's just really annoying and stupid as fuck?? And in what world is Cam Gigandet Ben Mendelsohn's brother? Ugh they look nothing alike. Or do like all white people just think all their kind sort of look like each other??? Who's the racist now?!!? Wait - still mostly them?? Still mostly white people?? :)
Ugh. So. lol. Apparently Jonah worked as a security guard or some shit for the rich people compound Kyle and Sarah live on. He's been inside their house and shit and we get flashbacks to Jonah and Sarah staring longingly and lustily at each other ugggggggh. I'm really glad they revealed towards the end that this was all in Jonah's head because these flashback scenes were embarrassing as fuck. What is this Powerpoint slide dissolve ass bullshit I'm looking at right now?? And why am I pretending the movie revealing he was crazy and Sarah wasn't actually into him somehow makes this better? Like I guess it could be explained away like ~~these are his thoughts clouded in like a fantasy lens~~~?? Ugh, it's so dumb and embarrassing why did you even try? Never try again. An important life lesson to be learned by all!!!
This bit here was funny
because Junkie Meth Girl comes down the stairs in some dress of Sarah's and Jonah is getting all Hulked up like he isn't in Sarah's fucking house trying to rob her. What is his logic????? Oh, right, he's crazy. And also a moron? Like okay he's bipolar or whatever but also he's just really really realllll dumb??? YOU CAN'T BE BOTH I WON'T ALLOW IT.
Jonah is all like "THAT'S SARAH'S DRESSSSSSSS! IT'S NOT YOURRRSSS" And then Junkie Meth Girl is all
It's gross. lol [provocatively]. Deaf people watching are like "eugh no there's something wrong with these subtitles. there's something very wrong. if i can't trust subtitles who can i trust?!!? has my sign language teacher been lying to me this whole time?!?! when i'm asking for bacon at the diner am i really asking for a rimjob and that's why the waitress sneers at me?!?! or is she just an old ass ugly bitch like how i initially thought?!?!!?" Wait - but in this hypothetical scenario am I assuming the waitress also knows sign language??!?!? MAYBE! YOU DON'T KNOW HER!
Am I weird for thinking this^ was mayyyyyybbbe sort of hot? YES. okay, fine. Let's move on. Ugh wait but why couldn't Ben have played Kyle and worn the creepy glasses and then Nic Cage could've played Ben's part and this movie would've still been super fucking terrible but maybe better???? Why is Ben always playing these crazy parts? Like, he can play a husband too. Especially if it's a husband role someone thinks Nicolas Cage is perfect for??? Like come on.
Oh but also here^ Sarah steals the magic wand from him but like I entirely forgot what she even did with it. I think she holds it to Elias' neck and yells for Avery to leave??? But ugh I don't even want to talk about it because even when Avery escapes WHICH TAKES HER FOR FUCKING EVER she's caught like immediately by The Enforcer sooooooooooo WHAT WAS THE FUCKING POINT? this movie is seriously so dead damn ass dumb and I just
So this next part was really funny. Elias just randomly dives into some monologue about his mom? And she used to get beat? And she got beat so much she got RENAL FAILURE? And it's like "lol so?" Why...would Kyle or Sarah or Avery care????????? You're...robbing them?????? Like if you were looking for charity handouts you've gone about this all wrong, family.
WHAT'S FUNNY IS THAT THIS ISN'T EVEN TRUE. SO WHY DOES JONAH LOOK...LIKE...HE'S REMEMBERING THEIR SHITTY CHILDHOOD WHERE THEIR MOM GOT BEAT ALL THE TIME AND NOW HAS RENAL FAILURE??? LIKE, YEAH, I TOTALLY BUY THEY HAD A TERRIBLE FUCKING CHILDHOOD BECAUSE LOOK AT WHAT THEY'RE DOING NOW LOL BUT FOR THE CAMERA TO FOCUS ON HIS FACE WHILE ELIAS IS TALKING INDICATES TO US THIS STORY BRINGS PAIN FOR HIM TO HEAR/REMEMBER??? IT'S NOT EVEN REAL!! wtf ugh diiiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeee
I laughed so hard.
And then even harder when Elias busted out "renal failure". Just the way Ben says it and the ridiculousness of the story and how random it seemingly is and like none of them even care they just want all this to stop and for them not to be killed???? lol
No thank you for explaining what renal failure means because it sounds like anal but there's a re in front of it soo I was hella lost
I needed this^ for the teeth
This kidney story is 100% false. Kyle & co. don't care about your mom. You're a robber, you do not need to explain to the people you're robbing why you're robbing them. They don't care about your sob story. YOU ARE ROBBING THEM. I wish this movie would get renal failure. And real renal failure. Not fake renal failure like Elias' shitty mum. lol What if she's like this sweet respectable old woman who has like no idea what her idiot sons are getting up to?? They tell her they work for the parks department or some shit and she's like "oh, that's nice" and brags to her friends who are like "lol no1 cares"
mmmm...is that so?? Also where are your kidney storing items, Elias? Like he tried to say he had stuff for conducting kidney removal but lol where. Let me see it. Where's your little cooler??? You're bluffing! Also if this was real why wouldn't you have dropped this information in the beginning? This is dumb!!
I capped this shit below before it was ~revealed~ Jonah's "thing" with Sarah was all in his stupid simple ass head.
But even when he was saying shit like this I was soooo embarrassed for him. I figured even if Sarah did fuck him, she's not tryna leave Nicolas Cage's creepy ass for this lame-o wearing a fucking backwards baseball cap and also he's robbing her?? And he isn't even in charge of the robbery??? He might be on the bottom of the list in terms of who gets a say??? Like he might be behind Junkie Meth Bitch???? Come on, fam, you're way out of your league. It's awkward.
This was another one of those moments where Nic Cage was unhingededly screaming at the top of his lungs. But this was also when he confessed he had no money. He put all the money into the house and was in debt and something about Albany???
This^ was funny because it just says (woman). lol did PJ from My Boys have a name?? I honestly have no idea. I will go check real quick to see if she actually had a fucking character name. And also that other guy. The other one. lol imdb tells me PJ's name was "Petal". I do remember Elias being like "Where's Petal?" or something later so yeah totally she had a name omg what are these names why. Lol and apparently Drago's name was "Ty". NAH, THEY NEVER SAID THIS IN THE MOVIE. Malarkey, son.
I capped this solely for "ass fuck". That isn't a thing, screenwriter.
Oh. Ugh. Here^ I was trying to capture how obvious Nic Cage's stunt double was. Wow it was soo bad. It might actually have been a dummy?? lol omg But I've done a terrible job capturing it. Or, a secretly amazing one? I mean, LOOK AT THE BEAUTY IN THAT PIC lol
I think I capped this just because Elias changed his story from "my mommy needs a kidney" to "my mommy was a fat ass drunk". SEE! THAT MAKES SOOOO MUCH MORE SENSE! And here they showed Kyle trying to steal Elias' knife but...he doesn't??? So...thanks for...that?????
No explanation needed. Actually lol maybe. The necklace on Nicole's neck becomes a plot point. Idk I think Elias stares at this and is like WHERE'S THE NECKLACE. But it turns out to be fake when they find it??? So...great. Thank you for introducing another thing that turns out to be literally nothing like this nothing movie?????? At least you're consistent????????????????????????????????
Oh here's another ~~~Jonah flashback~~~ moment. SO. FUCKING. DUMB. AND. EMBARRASSING.
:((((((((( I do love that the movie has perfectly captured exactly what I imagine the inside of Jonah's mostly pretty empty head probably looks like. So...good job on...that?
Here's three lovely caps of "Petal" digging in Kyle's mouth for some reason. Avery and Jonah are in the background playing on a Barbie phone or some shit.
ugh
no - what?? JUST KIDDING I DON'T CARE?
...who screams when they get headaches? That makes them worse. YOU'RE BLUFFING AGAIN!
I would say that shit to you too damn shut the fuck up for once! shiit!! fuck!!!
Does...Elias' mum think that air is a finite source? Like, that's not how it works??? And now I completely understand how two idiots like Elias and Jonah can come to be on this Earth. 100% fucking get it, b. Carry on!! Just kidding please don't.
Okay here we ~~figure out~~ Jonah is cray. And he ~~takes medication~~. But, like, apparently not??
He like douchely swallows a whole bunch??? Hey, that's...not how medication works?? And then Elias implies, I think, that Jonah fills his prescription bottles with tic tacs and does this swallowing the bottle thing a lot?? He says something like "yeah doctors prescribing tic tacs for the crazies" or some shit like that, so I guess that's what Jonah does? And I can't even say anything like "why...did you bring your crazy brother along on this mess if you knew he was like this?" because Jonah sort of just ambushed them at the last minute and hopped into the van and it was kind of too late to make him leave?? But ugh leave his simple, loony ass in the car. Like give him some puzzles to confuse and short circuit his brain; don't fucking bring him in the house to completely fuck up everything you're trying to do???? I don't know just some cute suggestions!! And do I even want to talk about how it was Jonah's entire fault that Elias ~needed~ to rob them?? Like he betrayed his bro blah blah ugh no1 cares and how dare Elias act shocked that Jonah would do something like that HAVE YOU MET HIM HELLO come on ugh
This^ I capped like an idiot thinking it'd somehow capture Ben Mendelsohn's completely 100% perfect Nic Cage impersonation. And a little bit it does, right?? SAY IT DOES.
This was funny because
1. right before this Jonah shot a cop in the fucking head like the crazy ass lunatic that he 100%%% is
2. Eho's the psycho? Um, both of you??? But mainly you, Jonah?? LIKE, MAINLY YOU???
3. But lol srsly @ Elias trying to convince that cop shit was normal and he belonged there and that anyone would ever let him buy a fancy robe.
4. Come on.
5. Also I'm mad because I didn't cap Jonah being like "Get the fuck outta here". Like it was the only time I a little bit liked him lol jk please die :)
6. Also why is the rent-a-cop distinction necessary??? It's better than talking to a ~real~ cop with blood on his face, so you're diluting your point? Well we've already established Jonah is a fucking dummy so whyyyyy am I even bringing that up ughghghghhg CLOSE YOUR FUCKING SHIRT
Purely capped because I have no fucking idea what soft incidental music is. Barely anything was playing in this scene...so I guess that's what it is? Barely anything? Also Jonah was doing some weird stuff. Like...idk...huffily breathing over a car?? ugh this movie was really just awful and bad and was like an hour and a half too long
Yes. Jake.
YESSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And niiiiiice job throwing Jake under the bus like that, Avery!!! My nigggaaa. Just kidding I love Jake now fuck you you stupid bitch anyone would be lucky to have Jake creepily proposition them in his dad's walk-in closet??????
WTF is Jake supposed to do when the next 9/11 happens if you give away all his cash, Avery?! Fucking bitch I swear to god. Ugh but you know what I'm really mad because we never actually got more Jake. Avery never ended up going back to his house AND I WAS DISTRAUGHT. Like it would've been amazing for the robbers to be punking the shit of my baby Jake this is bullshit can I please get a sequel where it's just Jake like sitting on the toilet. Like wondering why Avery couldn't just use his bathroom??? Cuz he had one so???? He's using it right now so???
Yes. Finally. When they ~~fully reveal~~ how delusional Jonah is and they provide clarity to the ~~flashback scenes~~~ and Sarah comes out and sees Jonah in her pool like "lol bro wtf" and she's immediately telling this dude to get the fuck out of her house??
And then Jonah is like
lol he's like smiling and slowly emerging from the pool omg I have never wanted someone to die so fucking much in my life lol
NO! YOU'RE NOT! GET OUT OF THIS BITCH'S POOL AND THEN HER HOUSE. LIKE THE POOL FIRST AND THEN THE HOUSE! BYEEEEEEEEE
NO SHE DOESN'T CARE. YOU HAVING THE AFTERNOON OFF HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER WANTING YOU TO GET THE FUCK OUT OF HER HOUSE?!! WHAT?!! WHAT?!?! lol I was dyyyyinnngnggngnngggggg
Like this bitch could not be less interested omg is Jonah bipolar or does he just have "dumb dude disease"? Which like all dudes have?? But why are only some people being diagnosed??? And why are tic tacs being administered to treat this chronic, debilitating illness? Um they're not working so
Oh, Nicky hid a bunch of money in the walls of the house??? lol whatever I took this cap because^
WHAT WAS THE POINT OF HIM BURNING THIS MONEY??? OF SETTING FIRE TO THIS MONEY AND HIS FUCKING HOUSE?!!!!! YOU HAVE NOTHING NOW. AND WHAT WAS THE POINT OF WITHHOLDING THE MONEY FROM THEM THE WHOLE TIME IF YOU WERE JUST GOING TO BURN THE SHIT??! COME THE FUCK ON! ugh but I guess Kyle was afraid the robbers would kill them after they got the money ugggggggzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
I took this screenshot because of Jonah's stupid pooping face. lol there's like this blazing fire going on behind them and he tryna cuddle. Dumb dude disease, I tell ya!
Yes. My favorite moment from this entire fucking miserable experience: when Jonah's fACE BURNED THE FUCK UP. THANK YOU GOD OR ALLAH OR THE OTHER ONE. THANK YOU SO MUCH. I LOVE YOU. NO HOMO.
^gpoy.
🎶
I wonder what a deaf person got from this movie? Was it a more or less enjoyable experience for them? Well, they didn't have to hear Petal yell "Bite me!" in the most annoying fucking voice I've ever heard in my life. But, they also didn't get to hear Ben do his Nic Cage impersonation. Or any of the terrible inflection in his mommy monologues, so I don't know. But! They didn't have to hear the [suspenseful] music during the moments when literally nothing suspenseful was happening, which was all the whole fucking movie :) And they didn't ever have to hear Jonah talk. Hmmmm starting to wish I was deaf. But they're probably really pissed off they have no fucking idea what [soft incidental music] is. Hey, deaf fam, neither do I. Let's call it even? *shakes their nub*
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