Well,
Rita Hayworth really needs to get the fuck outta here with all that beauty. But not even just crazy beauty, she has mad personality and is charming and sympathetic as fuck and honestly she's 99% the reason why I love this movie but also 99% why I hate it. Like, she's too likable and I feel too bad for her and she shines too much of a light on how terrible everything is, especially how fucking awful her ~leading man~ is. Actually, both of Gilda's "M E N" in this movie are straight-up fucking abusive, and it's just...hard to watch.
What I really want to do for this post is make fun of all the quotes from the movie they have up on imdb. Because the shitty quotes really illustrate what's wrong with this piece of shit that's not really a piece of shit but lowkey highkey it is, you know?? YOU KNOW.
$$$
Gilda: You do hate me, don't you, Johnny?
Johnny Farrell: I don't think you have any idea of how much.
Gilda: Hate is a very exciting emotion. Haven't you noticed? Very exciting. I hate you too, Johnny. I hate you so much I think I'm going to die from it. Darling...
[they kiss passionately]
Gilda: I think I'm going to die from it.
So. The word "hate" is used in this movie approximately 7,937 times. Low ballpark. Gilda, and Johnny, played by my favorite Canadian Glenn Ford, hate each other super fucking much. Why? NO FUCKING CLUE, MY PAL. Here's what I guessed: either Gilda was pregnant with Johnny's baby and she got freaked it'd be like Glenn Ford's head just attached to a baby's body and hastily aborted it, or...Gilda got up to her usual skank ass activities one night and Glenn found out and got pissed and left. OKAY. First, it's made clear Gilda doesn't actually fuck other dudes, right? She straight-up said she's teasing around like that just to piss him off and make him jealous. Right? Sooooooo WTF. Okay, but it's also made clear that Glenn/Johnny is a fucking idiot dick and completely believed Gilda was a huge slut having gangbangs erry day on the reg. RIGHT, FINE. My thing is: so? My thing is always: so????? SO?!!? SO WHAT IF GILDA SUPPOSEDLY FUCKED SOME OTHER DUDE? Gilda is hot as fuck who cares?! Can't you just slap her or whatever and get over it?? Johnny left her, and then has the audacity to be pissed at Gilda?? To be mad she married some other dude? NO I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND. He is so wayyyy over the fucking top with his anger, it's hella embarrassing. And what kills me about this movie is that they don't even make it explicit what actually happened between them. It was probably something far more innocuous than infidelity or secret abortions. Like Gilda batted her eyelashes at a fucking busboy or some shit. The male entitlement in this mess is OUT OF CONTROL.
lol, um, so anyway, in the quote above. Sigh. Gilda quotes that shit Ballin said earlier, but I'll get to that later. Let's just address how Johnny legit meant "I don't think you have any idea how much". Gilda, in my opinion, doesn't hate Johnny at all. She very clearly loves him. Johnny H A T E S Gilda. That shit fucking fuels him, and I see no love featuring nicki minaj. I see nothing but a cold, black darkness. But in like a Canadian way. Like Johnny's heart is an Atom Egoyan film, I guess. .......
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Obregon: You two kids love each other pretty terribly, don't you?
Johnny Farrell: I hate her!
Obregon: That's what I mean. It's the most curious love-hate pattern I've ever had the privilege of witnessing.
Who the hell was Obregon lol. Wait let me go look ugh. Oh, that random cop stalking the casino or whatever siiigh. Look at that dialogue up there: "You two kids much love Romeo & Jack Dawson blah blah" and then here come Johnny screaming "I HATE HER!!" and then here come Obregon talkin' bout some "Yeah haha das wut i meeeen, fam!! LOOVVEEEE!!!!" HELL NO!! HELL. NO. Wtf u mean?!?! Yeah it's a curious fucking love-hate pattern, alright. WHAT THE FUCK IS A LOVE-HATE PATTERN?? This movie is dumb and these people--EVERYONE IN THIS MOVIE IS HORRIBLE. Well, at least definitely Johnny. Who's supposed to be, like, the romantic lead, right? WOW HE SUCKS.
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Gilda: Would it interest you to know how much I hate you, Johnny?
Johnny Farrell: Very much.
Gilda: I hate you so much that I would destroy myself to take you down with me.
Okay. And here we go again with this OMG I HATE U BRUH and then Johnny clapping back with lol okay and then Gilda being extra like OMG I'LL DESTROY U WITH MY HATE THAT'S HOW MUCH I HATE YOU. What I hate, is how hard this movie was trying to make Gilda seem like she's even remotely on the same level as Johnny in terms of being a garbage person. Like she literally just says bullshit like this because he be sayin' all kinds of crazy shit to her, being rude as fuck, disrespectful as fuck. Like in this scene he walks in on Gilda playing the guitar and singing that mame song and it's just a lovely, lowkey chill ass scene and Johnny stomps in being extra as hell like WTF R U DOING HERE?@?? and accusing Gilda of being the whore of all whores or whatever and then being smug and implying the only reason she was there was for him and ugh like can he die?? thnx
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Ballin Mundson: Gilda, are you decent?
Gilda: Me?
[long pause]
Gilda: Sure. I'm decent.
I love this scene. It's when we're first introduced to Gilda and the movie finally gets poppin'. And she's doing all this
Like whipping her head up and shit and being all like
And it's just the besssssst. I love that we walk in on her getting fucking dressed and I love how specific the word "decent" is, and how it's applied here and to this movie even though it's used in a majorly sexist way lol but I still love it.
Also can we talk about how Ballin's name is Ballin?? In the movie it sounds like Ballon. But imdb is telling me it's Ballin. Like...ballin'??? He is, decidedly, not ballin', but okay. Also...wtf kind of name is Ballin? Where is he from?? Eurasia, I guess. Transylvania, more specifically, and most fucking likely.
I mean, look at this creepy nigga. No, not my Canadian teddy bear princess.
This^ creepy undead lookin' ass nigga. This was the best photo I could find of Ballin that perfectly captured his essence lol. Of course, I could find 0 pics of him wearing that fucking actual cape. SIIIIGH.
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Gilda: If you're worried about Johnny Farrell, don't be. I hate him!
Ballin Mundson: And he hates you. That's very apparent. But hate can be a very exciting emotion. Very exciting. Haven't you noticed that?
Gilda: You make it s...
Ballin Mundson: There is a heat in it, that one can feel. Didn't you feel it tonight?
Gilda: No.
Ballin Mundson: I did. It warmed me. Hate is the only thing that has ever warmed me.
So many...things.
1. Gilda proclaiming she hates Johnny...blah. Like, no girl. You're lying to yourself and you're not even really selling it that well. Really at all, but okaaaaay.
2. Why does Gilda seem surprised or something when Ballin points out that...hate and love are sort of on the same emotional wavelength?? Especially since she clearly loves Johnny and is only saying she hates him because she's angry with him or?!?!? Just like her face in that moment when Ballin says that is so fucking confusing to me but okay, movie.
3. Did Ballin know the whole time Gilda and Johnny had a history? Or did he not pick up on that until he introduced Johnny to Gilda earlier?? I feel like he knew, because he's a freak, so of course he did. Of course he went out to seek the girl he could see Johnny had on his mind when they first met, and then fucking married the bitch. Ballin is fucking insane, and also in love with Johnny and
4. HE'S IN LOVE WITH JOHNNY HARDCORE AND YOU CAN'T TELL ME DIFFERENTLY. This movie is gay as fuck and anyone who is on Team Gilda is Gay as Fuck is not even remotely a little bit reaching. It's 100% some fucked up love story about Ballin and Johnny. But you couldn't make straight-up gay romances back then obviously so it's shrouded in all this extra mess; tungsten and Argentinian gambling rules and shit. And Gilda is nothing but a double-sided dildo for these two loons to use to buttfuck each other that doesn't actually implicate their own penises in having done any actual gay shit??? YES EVERYTHING I'VE WRITTEN IS CLEAR AND WELL THOUGHT OUT AND ONE THOUSAND PERCENT SPOT-ON.
5. "Hate is the only thing that has ever warmed me". Seriously this dude is a straight-up cold one. This is a gay vampire romance and nothing else.
-----
Gilda: Got a light?
Uncle Pio: Yes, Mrs. Mundson. It is so crowded and yet so lonely, isn't it?
Gilda: How did you know?
Uncle Pio: You smoke too much. I've noticed. Only frustrated people smoke too much and only lonely people are frustrated.
I liked Uncle Pio, but this was sort of rude? Like who walks up to someone like "Wow you're lonely as fuck lol" ?? And then he just drops this line and sort of dips?? What is Gilda supposed to do with someone being like "lol ur frustrated"?? Maybe it's supposed to be a piece of wisdom and she's supposed to advance to the next level of self-awareness?? Idk, but I do sort of wonder what exactly smoking "too much" even means? Like how many cigs do you have to smoke for it to be too much?? More than zero is my guess? #antismokingblog, chyeah.
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Johnny Farrell: I want to go with you, Gilda. Please take me. I know I did everything wrong...
Gilda: [sobbing] Isn't it wonderful? Nobody has to apologize, because we were both stinkers, weren't we? Isn't it wonderful?
Johnny Farrell: Wonderful.
This pissed me off so much. AFTER ALL THIS SHIT HE DID! HOW DARE HE HAVE THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO COME WAGGING BACK TO THIS BITCH WITH HIS TAIL BETWEEN HIS LEGS TALKING ABOUT SOME "I KNOW I DID EVERYTHING WRONG"--like...you've to be fucking kidding me because it's not even an official apology. It's like..."hmm I could've punished you in a different way for being a cunt - I admit my way was sort of ott..." NO. AND THEN GILDA TALKING ABOUT HOW NOBODY HAS TO APOLOGIZE AND THEY WERE BOTH STINKERS?!?! JOHNNY WAS FUCKING ABUSIVE AND HE BETTER DROP TO HIS FUCKING KNEES RIGHT THIS GODDAMN MINUTE AND START KISSING EVERY PUBIC HAIR IN YOUR BUSH, BITCH! WHAT THE FUCK YOU MEAN NOBODY HAS TO APOLOGIZE?! AND HOW DARE YOU MINIMIZE ALL THE SHIT YOU DID BY LABELING IT AS "STINKER" BEHAVIOR?!?! OH MY GODDDDDDD
AND THEN JOHNNY BEING LIKE "WONDERFUL". FUCKING KILL ME PLEASE!!!1 END MY MISERYPLEAE!! FUKCK!!
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Johnny Farrell: I hated her so I couldn't get her out of my mind for a minute.
s i gh
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Gilda: [to Johnny] You haven't been around lately. I thought maybe you were an amnesia victim or something.
Ha, good one, Gilda. lol Also the way she said this...it's weirdly worded, right? "Amnesia victim" sounds weird. Also this screenplay is weirdly proper or full of expository or something, but also sort of bad because "hate" is literally used 12 million times, no exaggeration. You couldn't have used a thesaurus or some shit to look up synonyms, fam?? Right off the top of my dome I can think of: "despise" "not like" "feelin ehish about" ":/" "I guess" "mas o menos *then do that hand thing when you say mas o menos*" "not realllllly" "whatever" "she's taller than me" "i'm gay", etc etc. Come on do better
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Gilda: I can never get a zipper to close. Maybe that stands for something, what do you think?
...You're not double-jointed??
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Johnny Farrell: I thought we agreed that women and gambling didn't mix.
Ballin Mundson: My wife does not come under the category of women, Johnny.
So...I think I read some theory about this movie once that...Gilda was meant to represent a transexual?? There...I'll agree that maybe people are reaching. But you don't have to reach that hard to apply the theory to the movie, tbh. It sort of fits. But when Ballin says that Gilda doesn't come under the category of women, I take it as him throwing shade to all other women. She's not like them. She's superior, in some way. I guess...she's totally cool being a beard and keeping quiet and not asking too many questions?? But...there are plenty of bitches out here like Gilda...so I don't really know what he's talking about lol. The transexual theory holds!
-----
Gilda: I've got some news for you, Johnny. I'm going to do exactly what I please, when I please. I was true to one man once, hmmm
[looking despiseful at Johnny]
Gilda: and look what happened.
Is despiseful a word? Is it, screenwriter??? Hmmm? [looking despiseful at whoever wrote the movie] and look what happened.
I'm feelin' pretty despiseful that what Gilda says here implies it was Johnny that fucked up, not Gilda. WHAT HAPPENED "THAT NIGHT"?? I don't want to fucking speculate! Why can't this piece of shit movie just spill the tea! Wow the hollywood code was fucking bullshit. DID GILDA CATCH JOHNNY WITH A DICK UP HIS ASS, OR NAH??1!!?
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[last lines]
Gilda: Johnny, let's go. Let's go home.
Why is this sigh in the sigh quotsighe sesighction?? And what is home, exactly? America? lol I hate these movies where Americans are fucking up all over the place in some foreign country and then at the end it's like lol time to go!! It's like going to a party at someone's house and spilling soda on the floor and making no effort to clean it up because why would I worry about ants and stains and shit at somebody else's house?? Also I lied I've never been to any parties.
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Johnny Farrell: Doesn't it bother you at all that you're married?
Gilda: What I want to know is, does it bother you?
....I want to stop doing this. *sad frog meme* *or like any pic of Zayn's face before he broke up with his pumpkin spice latte drinking boyfriends; before he finally became free; a bird; a fucking goddamn phoenix*
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Johnny Farrell: Statistics show that there are more women in the world than anything else. Except insects.
IS THAT SO??? WHAT STATISTICS WHERE??!? SHOW ME THE FUCKING RECEIPTS, BITCH! POINT TO WHERE ON GOOGLE IT SAYS THIS??? Ugh I hate how cute Johnny thinks he is. Like don't even lie and act like you read books and shit with ur nose so far up Ballin's fucking ass all the time. HOW DO YOU EVEN SEE THE PAGES?!? So, just stop it. Just stop it. That should be a sneaker brand's slogan. I guess sneaks for like paraplegics or whatever. They need footwear, too, b. What am i doing
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Ballin Mundson: [referring to his knife cane] It is a most faithful and obedient friend: it is silent when I want it to be silent, but talks when I want to talk.
Johnny Farrell: Is it that your idea of a friend?
Ballin Mundson: That is my idea of a friend.
Johnny Farrell: You must lead a gay life.
YO.
1. REFERRING TO HIS KNIFE CANE. I hate Ballin so fucking much. WHO HAS A KNIFE CANE?! LIKE WHO DO U THINK U ARE?!? omg and then him launching into some creepy mini-monologue about obedience and shit. And then Johnny cum fucking lately is all IS THAT UR DURR IDEA OF DDURR FRIEND. LIKE, redflag.com, boy. YES THAT IS HOW I SEE PEOPLE, Ballin responds, AS FUCKING OBJECTS I CONTROL. And Johnny is like uh doh LOL ALRIGHTY!!! No, actually he says "you must lead a gay life" wow, just wow. This movie isn't subtle at all in any fucking way. Also I'm uncomfortable that obviously gay ass Ballin is playing the "villain". Like his homosexual desires somehow explain why he's a fucking monster walking around with a fucking butter knife poking out the end of his walking stick?? Like Ballin is gay and that's why he wears like a velvet robe over a full fucking suit while lounging around the house? If a gay(s) wrote this movie, they have really terrible opinions of their people. Or maybe they had to make Ballin the way he is, a villain-type, or whoever was in charge wouldn't let them sneak in their obvious rainbow references??? Idk, this movie is a mess.
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Johnny Farrell: [narrating off screen] She still didn't believe I wasn't coming back. Every night she got all dressed up... and waited. But a girl like Gilda couldn't stand not knowing the why of things, so she decided to swallow her pride and came to see me. It was wonderful.
When Johnny just abandoned Gilda at their new home or wherever, that's when I was officially fucking done with him. How the hell is he punishing this bitch for...I don't even know what! Not properly grieving Ballin's "death"?? WHAT?! YOU KNEW THIS BITCH DIDN'T LOVE THAT NIGGA SHE LOVES U AND NOW U TWO ARE TOGETHER WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT ARE YOU DOING?!?! This is why I can't get into their ~love story~, because Johnny just straight-up does not love this bitch. Like even if his gaymance with Ballin is a complete fabrication in my mind, I still can't ship him and Gilda. He treats her horribly and has no respect for her at all whatsoever, and is constantly looking out for Ballin rather than her, the supposed love of his life or whatever. Like, their supposed "romance" makes me fucking uncomfortable. It's hella toxic. I mean...him bringing her to their new home and there's that portrait of Ballin............. Is...is Johnny insane?? Who...does that??? I just...I'm tired.
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Ballin Mundson: Look your best, my beautiful. This will be the casino's first glimpse of you.
[He kisses her]
Gilda: I'll look my very best, Ballin.
[Looks at Johnny]
Gilda: I want all the hired help to approve of me. Glad to have met you, Mr. Farrell.
Ballin Mundson: His name is Johnny, Gilda.
Gilda: Oh, I'm sorry. Johnny is such a hard name to remember and so easy to forget.
[In a breathy voice]
Gilda: Johnny. There. See you later, Mr. Farrell.
SHOTS FUCKING FIRED FROM EVERY DIRECTION, BITCH!
-"I WANT ALL THE HIRED HELP TO APPROVE OF ME" PEW PEW BANG BANG
-"JOHNNY IS SUCH A HARD NAME TO REMEMBER AND SO EASY TO FORGET" BANG BANG BANGBANGBANGNNNG
-HER DOING ALL THAT EXTRA SHIT ~TRYING TO LOCK HIS NAME IN HER BRAIN~~~ AND THEN SHE CALLS HIM MR FARRELL ANYWAY PEW PEW BANGBANG RIFLES GOING OFF ONE BY ONE AT A MARINE'S FUNERAL SOUNDS
-FATALITYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
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Gilda: If I'd been a ranch, they would've named me "The Bar Nothing".
I have no idea what this means. But it seems like it's supposed to be an iconic line. Should I google it? No, this seems like more of a Bing situation. loljk i'm not using that shit. I'm just going to continue being ignorant to what the bar nothing is referring to. Maybe...ranches are always named The Bar Something?? lol i don't care
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Gilda: I danced in America.
Capt. Delgado: This is not America?
Gilda: I mean New York.
At this point I wish I were dead. Why did I decide to do this?? I mean...I didn't have to write about every quote imdb had, but...idk. It seemed like a good idea at the time? Doesn't it always? Doesn't what always? Help me
-----
Gilda: They said that being married to Johnny Farrell was very like driving a car with no brakes.
Yeah.
-----
Johnny Farrell: You're a lucky man.
Ballin Mundson: I make my own luck.
translation: I do crime.
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Johnny Farrell: Pardon me, but your husband is showing.
Heh.
------
Gilda: You're cock-eyed, Johnny! All cock-eyed!
Cock-eyed? WOW SO SUBTLE HOMOQUEER SCREENWRITERS. Is that how Gilda truthers such as myself come across? Wow, probably. No regrets.
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Ballin Mundson: Quite a surprise to hear a woman sing in my house, eh Johnny?
I'm just going to take this oppurtunity to say I loved Rita's performances, though I'm not sure if it was her singing or dubbed. But even if it wasn't her voice she still served me it performance-wise and here's a pic of one of her performance outfits and when will this fucking end god please!!
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Ballin Mundson: [toasts] "Disaster to the wench who did wrong by our Johnny"
SIIIIGH. So Ballin knew the whole time, right? And I'm just a dummy for not seeing it right away? Ugh I love how I think I'm so cute and smart figuring out ~hidden~ things about the movie but I couldn't even see he obviously knew they knew each other previously AND I'VE SEEN THIS SHIT THREE FUCKING TIMES. Whatever, I can't even...care about that right now I just really want to be dead WHEN WILL THESE FUCKING QUOTES END JESUS LIKE WHY AM I SWEATING
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[first lines]
Johnny Farrell: To me a dollar was a dollar in any language. It was my first night in the Argentine and I didn't know much about the local citizens, but I knew about American sailors, and I knew I better get out of there.
lol I remember these lines. Specifically because I think they open on Glenn Ford playing like craps or some shit. It's always amusing to me anytime I see Glenn Ford in a movie where he plays like a scoundrel or lowlife. I accept him more as a simpleton or a nice-guy type, I guess?? Which is weird because I don't feel like he was actually typecast like that, so...why?? I think it's his face. Like him being a dick in this movie is mostly funny to me, he looks like he should be the daddy on Leave It to Beaver or some shit. Don't get me wrong, I love Glenn Ford, but for mostly incorrect reasons. For reasons such as him making me laugh in this movie during inappropriate moments, such as all moments in the movie??
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Ballin Mundson: It amuses me to feed you beautiful things, because you eat with such a good appetite.
...This movie is so awkward lol. And Ballin, especially. God he is such a creep.
OKAY! THAT WAS THE LAST QUOTE FINALLY SHIT!!
I'm gonna end this post with the pic that should've been used for the movie poster lesbihonest
Like, come on. THIS IS EXPLICITLY HOMOFUCKINGSEXUAL.
Also, smoking kills. Like, you know it causes lung cancer, right? Are you dumb? Like, doesn't it say it on the package or????
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