This is a dumbass fucking movie. What is that tagline even suggesting? FIRST OF ALL, IF YOU CAN RUN, PLEASE DAMN DO. If you cannot, which I guess the idiots in this movie can't, isn't your only option to fight??? Like..................???????????????????????
And what is this "summary" on the Trespass imdb page??
"Kyle and Sarah Miller have it all: a huge gated house on the water, fancy cars, and the potential for romance in their relationship. He's just back from a business trip (he brokers diamonds) and their teen daughter Avery is sneaking out to a party, when four thugs in security uniforms and ski masks stage a home invasion. They want what's in the safe: cash and diamonds. Kyle stalls them, trying to negotiate for Sarah's freedom. Over the next few hours, the back stories of the four robbers (two brothers, a girlfriend, and the representative of a local drug kingpin) as well as the fault lines in Kyle and Sarah's marriage come into play. Is there room here for heroism?"
1. the "have it all". UGH. This is one of those movies trying to be really obvious with the ~u never know what's going on behind closed doors~~~ sort of thing, and like "just because ur rich doesn't mean ur happy~~~~~~~" ughhghgh
2. Potential for romance in their relationship? They're married. .............. or, is that like a haha ~~married couples~~ joke??? Do you have to have been married to understand wtf "potential for romance" even fucking means?????????????
3. (he brokers diamonds) GOLCONDA DIAMONDS. Be more specific.
4. Who would ever, upon reading this ~summary~, want to see this mess? It's all boring-sounding and shit. They want what's in the safe. CASH AND DIAMONDS. um, duh. Cuz they're robbers ugh. Kyle stalls them. Wow that sounds fun. Can't wait to see him try to negozzzzzz. AND THEN UR TRYING TO TALK ABOUT THE FUCKING ~BACKSTORIES~ OF THE FOUR ROBBznkjfrnjnlk omg seriously if I had actually read this before watching this movie I would have been like "lol no nvm let me just go manually remove my face skin off with a boxcutter instead???"
5. Is there room here for heroism? I guess. If you're brave enough to inflict this movie upon the viewing public...I guess you're a hero? In some way???? You've certainly got delusions of grandeur, which is totally Batman-esque. So.
Look I watched this movie pretty much entirely because of Nicolas Cage. I'm obsessed with how low he can go and this is pretty fucking low. Oh! And then I remembered Benny Mendy was in this shit, so let's pretend I knew that before I started watching and that he is also a reason I watched this so I can feel better :) Anyway, this post will be really horrifying because as soon as the movie started I was screenshotting shit and...I couldn't stop. I capped like this whole fucking movie. So. Here we go!!
The following set is from the very beginning of the movie where we see only this overhead shot of a car driving and Nicolas Cage is like yelling stuff to people on the phone. Business stuff. The dialogue is ridiculous and IT IS VERY CLEAR HE'S A CON MAN. Were.........we not supposed to get that, movie? Cuz lol
Like...IT'S CLEAR HE DOES UNSAVORY SHIT. I-I'll get you some money. No, DON'T HANG UP GODDAMIT!!! Srsly I think this movie thought their little ~reveal~ that "Kyle" didn't have any money was supposed to be a surprise...but it fucking wasn't lol liiiiiiiiiiikkkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeee
Nic Cage's character is seriously named Kyle Miller. He's like the least Kyle Miller-looking dude I've ever seen in my life srsly like some dark ass African from Nigeria would look more Kyle Miller than Nicolas Cage come on
GOLCONDA DIAMONDS TURN UP. lol and who has conversations like "yeah lol hi i'm calling about that diamond we discussed???? do you have it lol????" THIS MOVIE IS TERRIBLE
Kyle has a briefcase, cuz business.
This is what Nic Cage/Kyle fucking Miller looks like in the movie. Is it just me who is consistently surprised how ridick Nic Cage looks at all times always??? Like I should be used to this by now.
The profile of his hair was horrifying and I was trying to get a good shot but I think I failed. This doesn't capture how truly teeth-itching it was. Like, he was standing in front of a window and the...sun rays or whatever were shining through the thinness of his toupée combover situation... *shudders*
Here Kyle's daughter Avery was trying to sneak out of the house because teenagers. But it was so funny/dumb because they're playing [suspenseful music] while she's running down the stairs, you know, punching in the alarm code all that shit. THIS IS ONLY SUSPENSEFUL TO HER. lol we don't fucking care about this bitch sneaking out of the house lol what the fuck come on!!!
I did not successfully capture how much gut Nic was serving me in this shot. But you get the gist. or is it jist? Jizst?? Also why does my dude look like a straight-up serial killer the entire time in this movie? That would have been a nice twist. Like Kyle hired those robber morons to murder Sarah and Avery so he can go live with his other family in Florida. THEN MAYBE THIS WOULD HAVE BEEN SOMETHING, INSTEAD OF NOTHING, WHICH IS WHAT IT IS. THIS MOVIE IS NOTHING.
LOOK!!!!! LOOK AT THE GLASSES AND LOOK AT THAT FUCKING DEAD SPIDER ORGY ON HIS HEAD! COME!!!!!! ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Lovely Nicole Kidman, what, pray tell, are you fucking doing here?? I know you can't be hurting for duckets, right??? LIKE YOU HAVE MONEY, I THINK. God I hope so. But maybe you don't?? And that explains so many things?????? About your????? Career?????
PLEASE FUCKING EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE PURPOSE OF THIS SECURITY SYSTEM IS IF YOU CAN ONLY SEE PEOPLE AT TIT-LEVEL?????????????????????????????? IF YOU CAN ONLY SEE THEIR TITTIES AND NOT THEIR FACES WHICH IS HOW WE HUMANS IDENTIFY WHETHER OR NOT SOMEONE LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING MURDERY ROBBER PSYCHOPATH YOU SHOULDN'T LET IN YOUR HOME??? OR AT LEAST BE ABLE TO TELL IF THEY ARE WHO THEY FUCKING SAY THEY ARE. WHAT???? THE????? FUCK????? Ben Mendelsohn just walks up like "lol i'm the police let me in" and Kyle is like "lol okie dokie!!" NO. STOP IT, WHITE PEOPLE.
Can we talk about Avery's ~slutty~ friend and how she's doing a whole lot and then we never see her again for like the rest of the movie????? Can I get a She's Too Young Too about her life and plz bring back Miriam McDonald playing her ~16 year old~ ~bad news~~ best friend and this time it's AIDS instead of syphilis because let's get real no one cares about syphilis this isn't Al Capone days thanxxx
THIS. FUCKING/ DOUCHEN BAAGGGG I hate him soooooo mucccch look at his mouttttth and his stuppppid flipped up hairrrrrr and his dumb hoodie plzzzzzzzzzzz stopppppppppppppp
Okay so below I think I capped this because Ben was giving like some hilarious "speech" to Kyle and Sarah and he was doing his lisp thing which maybe is more pronounced when he's forced to do an American accent?? Idk it was really funny to me. Oh, and his character's name is Elias?? Why do none of these names fit these people. Elias. lol
His lisp was out of control THITH ITH MY HOUTH NOW. ITH MY HOUTH, ITH MY RULTH. noooooooooooooooo I lovvvvvvvveee himmmmm more than anyoooonnnnnnne I'm making fun of him out of loveeeeeeee pleeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttthhhhhhh
lol. Also what was funny about this was just the dumb stuff he was saying. "Daddy's home!"...what are you talking about, honey?? lol idiot
The following caps are just of Jake's stupid face when he was talking about wanting to fuck Avery and do coke with her or whatever ~rich teen douchebag~~~~ dialogue was written for him ugggh
I h8 his face so much, yet I could not stop taking pics of it. WHYYYYY AM I LIKE THIS
Here, Avery is disgusted and starts calling a cab and Jake is all:
Then Avery is like:
lol, then Jake is like:
And just like that, I am in love. WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?!
Elias has some annoying ass junkie girlfriend played by PJ from My Boys. Here she's yelling "Bite me!" at someone for treating her like an annoying ass junkie and...it's...it's the worst thing ever??? Like I wish I could cap how fucking annoying her voice sounds. And who says "Bite me!"? Who has ever said that shit ever??????? ugh just...look at the caps and try to imagine how fucking annoying it was to watch and try not to throw up or shit yourself in rage...which is a thing I'm told is normal to happen to people and I'm not weird and shouldn't have to do therapy :)
This is just Ben smiling smugly and that's why it's here. You can like see his lisp. <333
Oh this is when Elias asks Kyle who would be stupid enough to hide a safe behind a picture, and Kyle explaining "It's aesthetic" just made me die. Like it was funny idk lol. Because then he goes on to start explaining like architecture and shit and it's boring and it's happening in Nicolas Cage's voice. Idk man, it was a funny bit. Not sure if intentional, but I'm glad it exists. lol No I'm just kidding, I'm not glad. I wish everyone involved in the making of this movie would burn to the fucking ground :)
Elias doesn't know what aesthetic means.
lol yeah this is when Kyle goes on this long explainy tangent lol oh god it was so good. EXCUSE ME BUT WHY IS A CONVERSATION EVEN HAPPENING?! I swear to god I hate these kind of movies where robbers come thru and take all fucking day to do their job. Elias and his crew breaks in and the one guy is like "20 min" to get in and get out. THEY SPEND 20 GODDAMN MINUTES JUST TALKING ABOUT THE PLACEMENT OF THE SAFE shit come on ugh
Why is there a doll on the bed? Who???? That's not Avery's room. And...even if it was??????
This.....lol. Nicolas was getting yelly and it was, of course, the highlight of my life. I forgot what this was about exactly. Something something he was going to give them a million dollars lol and Elias I think is like "a million $$$?" and Nic is just like YES U GOT IT KID A MILLION DOLLARS like screaming at the top of his fucking lungs lol omg what is this movie
This was funny
because
When Elias was like "Go get the magic wand" of course I thought some fucked up sex rape shit was about to pop off. And then [suspenseful music] pretty much cemented that notion for me. But, nah, it was just a needle full of like paralyzing liquid. idk some shit they give to people on death row blah blah yawwwwwwn
I don't know the fourth robber dude's name. He's the guy described in the summary as "the representative of a local drug kingpin". He's like, the enforcer of the group? He has like a shotgun, so. Anyway I forgot what happens here to cause him to be like "Time's up"...there was a lot of back and forth with Elias and Kyle because Kyle refused to open the safe HMMM LET ME GUESS WHY. But anyway I think Elias put him on a countdown?? And then Kyle ran out of time? And then the enforcer was like "Time's up" and proceeded to immediately toss Nicole Kidman into a table or some shit and it was the funniest fucking thing I have ever seen in my fucking life
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