??? Actually, now that I'm thinking about it...maybe I just got really excited for Tilda and just somehow assumed I'd automatically like the movie as a whole? Even though I don't even love everything Tilda is in?? Whatever, I can only blame myself. Secretly I blame Tilda tho??
But I was also excited about other elements. I'm not into the dystopian thing, but the concept of everyone left in the world after an apocalypse living on a single train sounded...intriguing. And then the cast seemed fairly diverse, so that was appealing. Uhhhh and the South Korean director. Like even though I've seen zero other Joon-ho Bong (wait - shouldn't it be the other way around? Bong Joon-ho?? mmm idk that's how imdb has it butttttttt) movies, I was like, this should be at least different. Koreany. Which isn't an offensive thought in any way??? No, it totally is, because I'm like yess please give me Old Boy tease. Except this dude didn't even make Old Boy so hmmmm what am I doing???
I guess this movie had cool ideas? But do I even really think that? Do I just feel like I should say that when I think probably Soylent Green did this better and I fucking hated that movie?? Or am I just thinking about Soylent Green because of the roach thing? CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE ROACH THING??
^ this was Curtis' face when he discovered what their protein bars were made of.
1. Is this really surprising? Come on. You live in essentially a ghetto, on a train. Look at your life and how you're treated and the fucking grime and filth you're forced to live in. LOOK AT HOW THEY ONLY FEED YOU THESE WERID JELLY BAR THINGS. LIKE YOU CAN'T EVEN GET A CUP O' NOODLES IN THIS BITCH AND THEY COST LIKE 50 CENTS. Come. the. fuck. on. Close your mouth, fam. Stop it.
2. Like, cockroaches are gross. But crunched up human bodies are grosser????? So??? Get?? Over??? It???
3. Seriously. This was ripped like straight from Soylent and not even as good because 1. No shitty over the top Charlton Heston acting 2. roaches, not people 3. soooooooooo????? what?????
Does this movie share other hardcore similarities with Soylent?? Well the dystopian thing I guess. I feel like Snowpiercer would've been better had it been made in the seventies? That makes sense in my head. Like I can see the grimey assness of the seventies; one of those dirty ass coked up fucking pseudo-hippie directors making something like this. With like Al Pacino or Gene Hackman or some shit chewing up scenery being hella extra in the Curtis role. And it'd fit more. This 2013 version is like doing grime-face or something. Like everyone is dirty but it's still weirdly clean. Weirdly HD or something?? It doesn't fit for me.
I took some random screenshots while watching, so I'll just talk about those while trying to figure out my feelings on this shit. Though I pretty much already decided I wish it starred Al Pacino, was made in 1973, and took place on some gross, graffiti'd ass New York subway train. Karen Black plays Tilda's role??? Oliver Reed is Wilford??? Brad Dourif is Edgar??? lol secretly my seventies version is like way shittier than the 2013 one. Who would play Tanya? Butterfly McQueen?? See, I'm fucking up.
This is the first screencap I took, and it happens fairly early in the movie. The guards or whatever tell everyone to sit down I think? But Curtis is the only one standing? I was immediately like LOL OH BOY HERE WE GO. Don't be so obviously ~~the hero~~. Or I guess in this "I know what babies taste like" case, the ~~anti-hero~~.
LOL AND CAN WE QUICKLY TALK ABOUT THAT EATING BABIES THING. HOW THE FUCK IS CURTIS ACTING ALL SHOCKED THAT THE PROTEIN BARS ARE MADE OF ROACHES WHEN THIS NIGGA ATE A FUCKING BABY?!?????????!?!!??! I MEAN I GUESS IT'S NOT HYPOCRITICAL BECAUSE HE SAID THEY'RE TASTY?????? BUT ALSO HE ATE CURTIS' MUM????? WAS SHE ALSO TASTY ORRRRRR??? NO BECAUSE HE NEVER SAID, SO?????? lol I just don't get Curtis. Like how is eating cockroaches, WHEN YOU DIDN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WERE EATING THEM, worse than eating actual human beings, when you did know you were eating them?? Like you saw these people's faces and everything before snacking down on their booty meat??? You make me tired, Curtis. You make me tired like 2.2 seconds into the movie before I even find out about your whole eating babies thing. Like, I guess good job at being the anti-hero?? UGH AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE? I really hated Curtis' little skully cap. It looked too clean, like he just bought it from Lids or some shit. Ugh I just really felt like he was too obviously painted as our guy~~~~ With his fresh ass skully like ugh who do you think you are Hancock orrrrrrrrrrr
He looks like a white dude in anime right? Like the douchey white villain? You can tell I watch like zero anime things lol but this nigga looks straight-up cartoonish. Especially with his weird deep voice that didn't look like it was coming from his body. It was like dubbed? Or it looked dubbed. I don't know, but if I could have a movie solely about his journey that would be great. Give that shit to me right nowwwww. Like fuck Curtis, seriously. Ugh I can just never get it up for the hero dude in things. Like ever lol. Because I'm a piece of shit and I prefer to root for my own kind. Though you'd think I'd want to root for baby eaters?? Nah, fam, that's some white people shit. Not my style, fam. That's not my scene, family. You on some mayonnaise lasagna shit right there, familia. Sorry sweetie :) You have problems :)) Seek therapy :))) Though maybe I'd be into eating babies if they came in those toaster strudel breakfast scramble things?? Like if the egg part were baby?? Then we can talk. Because those shits are on point and honestly if I can't really taste the difference............................
My baby kissing a baby. I wanted to screenshot the exact moment Jamie's lips were on that baby's head, but I couldn't get it. This^ is good enough, though. You can see like right after the kiss, and the baby's eye squinting in reaction. HELLPPPP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.
Wow, I wish this were back in like 2006 when this^ would be all I needed to love a movie. Oh well, 16 year old me is dead. 25 year old me needs Jamie Bell kissing a baby and then maybe also eating it?? Come on, I need more than this. You've gotta give me plot. story. character development.
You know why I screencapped this. Don't.
*AmericAN whITE gUy VOice* "What'll it be, asshole?" And nice fucking up the subtitles, Netflix :))
This shit was soooo funny to me. Have I heard Chris Evans say this in like 12,483,297 different movies? Or just like a bunch of different, vaguely-ish Chris Evansy type white dudes saying this in 12, 483, 297 different films? It's so ubiquitous, and here I reached my boiling point. Like, ENOUGH. And he's saying it to this Korean dude who doesn't even understand him lol. I wonder how that little translator thing translated this? There's no way it captured the tone. And is there a "what'll it be, asshole?" even in Korean? Like what Korean person says this? The translator probably translated it like, "Okay?" AND WHO ARE YOU GETTING AN ATTITUDE WITH, CURTIS? Do you need Nam?? To help you??? His name was Nam, right? siiiiiiiigh And I feel like it was pronounced Nahm, but Curtis would be all like: *American Girl Voice* Na'am! Ugh. Like yelling at his Korean slave???? To hurry up??? And do stuff for him???
Whyy did I cap this??? Curtis made a cunty face at someone BUT I CAN'T REMEMBER WHO OR WHY. But it was fucking amazing. I'm complaining a lot but lowkey I love Chris Evans. He's not like some stupendous actor or anything but he amuses me on occasion and he was giving me a lot of attitude as Curtis that I was sometimes usually here for. Oh! Maybe...he was looking at Nam and his daughter sniff their drugs??? Idk, but this^face was beauty. Even though you can't tell because this screenshot is dark as hell?? Like my soul???????
1. Let's talk about how John Hurt has been 100 years old since the day he was born.
2. I think I took this screenshot because of Luke Pasqualino? Whom I guess I care about because he was on Skins and lowkey I loved Freddie even though he was probably one of the worst characters from all three generations???? lol and he didn't even have lines in this?? Better luck next time???
3. I was mad when he died though? I WAS MAD WHEN LIKE MULTIPLE PEOPLE DIED. LIKE EDGAR?? WTF?? First of all I was totally shipping him and Curtis and I'm pissed this movie wasn't shipping them, too. I guess Curtis was supposed to be more a father-figure to him due to how Curtis ate Edgar's mom??? lol let's not even talk about that though! I was just really pissed off when he died and then Grey was his replacement and he got fucking killed trying to protect Curtis' dumb ass which is how I think Edgar got killed? Annnnnnnd now I'm back to full-on hating Curtis because you don't deserve any of these adorable little boys throwing their life on the line for you like ugh
Tilda was funny/gross as Sir. Or Mason or whatever. And it's weird she didn't get like a best supporting actress Oscar nom, right? Idk I don't think I saw any of those movies that the supporting actresses were in so who knows. Also how many times do I need to remind myself the Oscars don't matter??? Idk, but Tilda always kills it so at least she didn't disappoint me even though this movie did that I watched for her and why couldn't she somehow shine brighter to blind me to the badness of the rest of the film?? I'll forgive her for not living up to my over-the-top expectations, though, just for that^ shit in the screenshot above. Thank you Jesus (Tilda) for existing.
Annnnd now I'm back to maybe loving Curtis! This^ face he gave Mason for like 12,000 hours after he told her she couldn't eat the sushie GAVE ME TWENTY HUNDRED MILLION ENERGY POINTS. Like, my energy bar was filled up, fam. I was dyyyyyyyyyiiiiiiiinnnnnnnngggg. (That's not how energy bars work...) And this is why I just couldn't hate Curtis full-on, even though I really wanted to. And his hat was off and I got to see Chris Evans' scalp!!! You're still not going to get me to ever watch Captain America tho lol that shit looks tedious, bruh.
So. Were...............................Wilford and Gilliam.........getting it in?????? Or????????????
LIKE WERE THEY FUCKING OR NAH??? LIKE WHAT THE FUCK IS WILFORD TALKING ABOUT????? IS THIS EVEN SUBTLE? AM I JUST A DUMB ASS AND THIS IS CLEARLY HIM TALKING ABOUT THEM DOING PHONE SEX?????? AND NOW I HAVE TO IMAGINE GILLIAM JERKING OFF WITH HIS ONE FUCKING ARM JESUS CHRIST MAKE IT STOPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP
lol this was the end.
Nam's daughter and Tanya's son appeared to be the only survivors of the train crashing or exploding or whatever, forcing me to imagine them ~restarting~ the human race, and thinking things like "awww yeah blasian babies"????? SIGH.
The movie ends exactly on this polar bear staring at them like "who these niggas?" BUT I'M LOOKING AT THIS POLAR BEAR LIKE "WHERE YOU BEEN??" Where the fuck this polar bear come from????? I thought everything froze over? YOU TRYNA TELL ME HE WAS HIBERNATING I GUESS??? AND HOW DO I KNOW IT'S A HE??? MY DUDE IS CLEARLY A SHE. LOOK AT THE SHADE IN HER EYES. LOOK AT THE ABSOLUTE "I'M DONE"NESS ON HER FACE. She's not here for it, and neither am I. Bye, movieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Byeeeeeeeee
In conclusion: Nice try, I guess?? I'm definitely interested in seeing more of this director's movies. I'm sort of assuming his more Korean movies with like actual Koreans speaking Korean are probably better?? Sigh, I hope so. He has some movie titled Mother and I just automatically love it. Men writing about mommies is always going to be a mess so I'm excited. Though I should prepare myself to be disappointed. I am often disappointed. I have unreasonable standards which are secretly completely 1,000% reasonable???? Like one of my secret favorite movies is Malibu's Most Wanted. I'M NOT ASKING FOR THE MOON HERE. Shrink shrink blinkity blink, shit!
tryna make me think
make me wanna go to my sink
and vomit
clean it up with Comet
Earth is mah plahnet!
:(
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