The Boring Life of Jacqueline (2012)

I'm so annoyed this isn't a legitimate television show. HBO will give me Girls, but not ten thirty-minute episodes of The Boring Life of Jacqueline? For why??? Hmm, prob because...it's already pretty horrible watching Jacqueline suffer through her life for like twelve minutes per episode, what the fuck would that be like vamped up to 26 minutes or whatever??? Mmmm the same!! Just more of the same!! So give me it what the fuck/1!!

I wonder what compelled me to watch this??? Like why did I wa--How did I even end up in the digital shorts section of HBO? I hate shorts. Like I won't even watch short films that seem to have good concepts because the first concept of it being a short film automatically cancels out any cool/good ideas they might have for me. Like I'm just not into it. And then to do...like a short television show?? Hmm what am I talking about don't I watch digital short TV shows on Youtube all the time like what the fuck did I think Awkward Black Girl was ugh come on, me. siiiigh. ...I still don't understand why I watched The Boring Life of Jacqueline, though. Maybe I was just really bored one day and browsing--oh, looking at OnDemand now I see I probably clicked on the HBO Specials section looking for shitty stand-up, and for some reason clicked on HBO Digitals, probably wondering what the fuck that meant. And then I read the description, which is like: "out of work actress blah blah blah" and I guess I was instantly hooked by "out of work actress"--NO, LIKE I REALLY WANT TO UNDERSTAND HOW I CAME TO EVEN KNOW THIS SHOW EXISTED. So ugh I guess now I do! Yay you figured it out now you can finally die!!

Anyway I really love this...digital short show thing. And I really wished it was like a whole thing...I don't know why I can't just accept it as is, with the like ten 12 minuteish episodes - I just want more!! I love it, it's hilarious. It's also probably the most cringe-worthy thing I've ever seen?? I love cringey shit, especially cringe comedy, but there's something about this that's almost too much. And I think before watching this I thought I was "immune" (ugh) to like...cringey elements in things. Like when I illegally watch Peep Show on Youtube and I read in the comments people saying they have to turn away from the screen all the time: it just completely baffles me, and also I feel really superior because I never feel uncomfortable watching Peep Show because I relate so much, but then I stop feeling superior because why do I feel proud that I relate to anything Mark and Jez have going on??? Like I 100% understand everything Mark says/does and that's a fucking problem, yeah?? And also I've started relating to Jez?? Which is the worse one to be like??? Both?? All of it everything???? 

But there's something especially...not self-aware about Jacqueline that makes it really...just hard to watch lol. Hard to watch in a good way, I think. The actress who plays her, Jaclyn Jonet, is really going all in. There's this like manic, mouth breathy sort of thing she's doing all the time I think?? With this really hype brace-face nerd from band camp thing mixed in??? I don't know, but she nails whatever it is that makes me shudder every time Jacqueline does or says literally anything. Just the first episode where she's tweeting like "I love Fiber One!!!!!!!!" or whatever ugh and then she's eating it and it's...just the worse chewing. I can't tell if it was intentional bad chewing or if I was just projecting my disgust with people's masticating habits. Yes, bitch, masticating. We outcheah! And then like later with the Cocoa Puffs all over the bathroom floor...

So anyway ugh I'm just going to do bullet points of stuff I loved about this not really a show and hopefully this post will be over soon and I can go back on Tumblr and find out if Zayn dropped his solo R&B effort yet. I mean!!! 

-Gaby Hoffmann. 

Like, yes. I think she's in some other Sebastián Silva shit that I really need to see. She's at least in that Crystal Fairy one that I forgot to watch before my free Netflix membership expired siiiiigh. Like instead I watched shit like Snowpiercer and Trespass and...I gotta say: I really regret it!!! Such is life! lol, anyway, Gaby is here and she is my queen, for real. Like she's hella unabashed and that's my fave quality in actors. Not people, mind you. I look for the opposite of that shit in people I know in real life and also I don't have any friends lol, but I definitely lovelovelove that quality in acting and she's full of not being bashful ugggggggggggggggggggh. 

Anyhawaiianpunch! Gaby is here being the best, by being the worst. What's great about Gaby is that she is such a massive bitch in this and she's my favorite and I don't feel bad for anyone she mistreats lol. Not even Abraham when she's being like "yeah, I like salad" with the utmost fucking contempt FOR NO FUCKING REASON lol. And I like Abraham lol, but when she's like in French "I don't give a shit about the weather" when he's just trying to make conversation, make things less awkward and lighter: I love it! Like, why are you like this??? How did you get like this who raised you?? CAN SOMEONE GIVE THIS BITCH HER OWN TV SHOW??? lol oh wait she's on Transparent--NO, I SAID HER OWN. HELLO, HOLLYWOOD DUMMIES. They better hurry up before white people become officially over in like 2017, for real. Get on this Gaby Hoffmann TV show right motherfucking now. Because once the minorities take over and she's out here getting her own shit too late, I'm not gonna be able to rock with it. Like, I'll have to watch The Gaby Hoffmann TV show in secret - there's no way I'm going to be gushing about it, sorry, it's just--I can't. Okay? So hurry up!! 

-When Jacqueline said like "susci" and Gaby was like "Sushi". 

How many times did I rewind that tho????????????????????

-Jacqueline's painting of that shitty camera phone pic she took of her and Abraham. 

I love how the show paints Jacqueline as one of those white girls who's like really obliviously racist. And then we find out she's originally from fucking Massachusetts and it becomes even more perfect. Like everyone is racist from there, right?? Is it massachusettsist of me to be saying that? No, I'm spittin' the truth!! Jacqueline is probably from Boston, the only place I know from there. Real quick I just forgot the word "city" - I'm like: what's...what are the things inside the state???? But I remembered! Moving on! 

I couldn't. fucking. wait. to see. Jacqueline's painting. of Abraham. before they show.ed.it. Because I just knew! USING ALL THAT BLACK PAINT WHEN SHE STARTED DOING HIS FACE OMG. God, that shit was beautiful. AND OMG WHEN SHE GAVE IT TO HIM OMFG AND HE JUST PUT IT DOWN. HE JUST IMMEDIATELY DISMISSED IT OMG I WOULD IMMEDIATELY DISMISS MY LIFE. Or at least...learn some lessons?? About myself maybe??? I guess Jacqueline learned to never paint again???? But, like, that wasn't...the most important lesson to be learning here or?!??!?! God, that shit really killed me it was perfect. 

-This should have been part of me talking about Gaby earlier...but when she was doing her "audition" and being really negative and aggressive and talking about how she hates kids and that guy was like "lol alright relax"

JUST ALL OF THAT, THANX. god she is flawless i don't understand why people sleep on her...or maybe they don't?? Like she works regularly, right??? SHE SHOULD BE A STAR DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!

-Jacqueline googling "easy suicide techniques"

gpoy. Because, like, if I was going to kill myself, which I won't because I'm petty as shit, that would be what I would google. Incognito mode, of course. "Is there a way to kill yourself with a pillow that isn't suffocating??" "What if I drank a lot of apple juice that's got a really old expiration date??" "How many almonds to get cyanide poisoning?" "Do the ones with like butter and sugar on them count??" "Softer almonds" "How to make almonds be less hard" "That's what she said" "How did Steve Carell get so hot?" 

-Jacqueline coughing in the bath house.

What was she trying to do lol? She's so fucking extra; wearing that bathing suit, stalking fake Uma Thurman, not getting the fucking clue with Abraham (though I have no idea what the clue was, he was hard to read, which is maybe racist???); and then what was she trying to do with the shower thing? Impress Abraham??? lol, 100% she failed. Or maybe she impressed him with how...guttural her coughing...could be??? Idk, but I laughed very long and very hard at that shit. He's like "are you okay?" the way people have asked me if I was okay when I've embarrassed myself horribly in the past, which has been many a time :') At least they asked me if I was okay, instead of the way worse snickering thing that usually happens. Or just outright full-blown cackling???? And can we talk about the coughing in this show?? lol what...why is there so much coughing?? Actually, there's probably only like three coughing moments: Jacqueline's mom on the phone, Jacqueline on the couch with Gaby and Gaby is like "stop that's disgusting", and then the masterpiece of Jacqueline's cough attack in the steam room. Coughing should become a trope in things. It's really funny to me. 

-The little horrible details...of like every day living stuff??

Jacqueline's shitty tweets; her train of thought, which was all over the place and reminded me of how I think sometimes, which was horrifying; when she was doing her makeup and Regina Spektor started skipping on her boombox and just everything was going wrong; Jacqueline eating all that food with like  reading material about diets everywhere; stains and shit all over the place; her computer shutting down at the coffee shop; her ipod breaking; fantasizing about breastfeeding Michael Cera, etc etc. I just felt like this show was really detailed and got so many mundane real-life things right? At least for me?? I should hesitate to acknowledge that, maybe? YES, FOR SURE!!

Alright, I'm done with this shit.

BRING BACK THE LIFE & TIMES OF TIM, HBO, THANX!! fucking idiots