White Bird in a Blizzard (2014)

Gregg Araki is one of those directors I primarily like because I can't believe they're allowed to make movies. Sometimes I just like people because it's weird to me they haven't been euthanized or at least lobotomized yet. But Gregg is also cool because I actually like some of his shit, and not just because, like I said up there, I kinda can't believe it gets made. I think the first Araki film I saw was Mysterious Skin? And I love that movie so much. Also I strongly liked The Doom Generation, Smiley Face and Splendor. Like legit enjoyed these movies instead of it being like "wow wtf did I just watch okay this guy is a freak I'm a huge fan for no reason now!!" Actually looking at his filmography, his movies aren't even that freakish or super-weird? I definitely thought, back in like 2005 or whatever when I first watched Mysterious Skin, that it was probably one of the most bizarre movies I've ever seen. lol @ 15 year old me. What an uncultured dolt. So anyway, all this bullshit is to say that I'm Team Gregg and I'm never not going to be excited for new releases from him. 

When I first heard about White Bird in a Blizzard I was pumped because it was an Araki film BUT ALSO BECAUSE EVA GREEN. GREGG ARAKI AND EVA???? AM I IN HEAVEN?? OR HELL REALLY BECAUSE HONESTLY THE AESTHETICS OF HEAVEN ARE NOT REALLY MY STYLE. I'D PREFER TO GO TO HELL PLEASE, JUST FOR LIKE WHAT I IMAGINE WILL BE A TON OF CRUSHED VELVET.  

Eva Green

is

a

goddess.

Eva is my female Tom Hardy, maybe? Like I'm obsessed with her to the point that if she got a restraining order against me I'd roll it up, have it gold plated, then use it as a dildo to fuck myself to death with? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. 

Anydoodle!! I was losing my shit over news Eva was going to be in a fucking Gregg Araki film. I was screaming "PERFECT!" into the void, like, as if, the universe had answered my prayers?? The ones I do only on the toilet when I have that diarrhea that just. won't. fucking. quit. The kind where you start worrying you'll have to go to the hospital to have your anus repaired? GOD LOVES ME. 

Actually watching the final product of Eva being in a Gregg movie, though, was, idk, disappointing? But maybe not? Maybe this was exactly what I was expecting when I found out what the movie was going to be like? The Truth About Emanuel with no fake dead baby but at least Eva Green looking like this 

the whole time?????? Yeah, so not disappointing because this is 100% what I was expecting. I didn't like the movie overall, though. I loved everything Eva because Gregg gave me her being hella ridiculous and that's what she does best, and better than everyone. And I loved seeing her as someone's fucking mommy. It was highly ridiculous. The last time I saw her playing someone's mommy was in Womb and that kid was actually a clone of her dead boyfriend and he ended up raping her??? Fun times! She looked really insane in this movie and soo out of place lol as like a sixties housewife? Was that the time period when she and Chris Meloni were ~younger~? The present day in the movie is set in the eighties, correct? lol I don't know wtf the look/decade Eva was rocking but I was here for it but also it was making me laugh because she looked insane. Like, where is she supposed to be? What year? What country? What planet??? From what universe??? 

AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN SHE DISCOVERED CHRIS MELONI FUCKING SHILOH FERNANDEZ WHO I H8 SO MUCH OMG LOL BUT WHEN SHE DISCOVERED THEM AND SHE JUST STARTED LAUGHING AT CHRIS MELONI

lol do these two screenshots capture how funny/amazing that shit was? Hell, I'd choke that bitch too if she just started laughing at me like that lol like what do you do after that? Both of you cannot continue to co-exist on the same planet. Either end your life or hers. I guess...X Meloni chose...to end...hers?? lol Anyway I loved all things Eva in this shit so thanx Gregg with two gs no but why the extra g??? What are you doing with that? 

I also thought Shailene Woodley was good in this. I think overall she's a pretty good actress. I definitely wasn't here for her circa-The Descendants but maybe that was because I thought that movie was mediocre as fuck overall and she just got caught in the crossfire of my hate????? So it took me a while to get into Shailene but then I saw Divergent and was like "huh - not bad" @ her performance and then I saw The Fault in Our Stars and she had me getting allergies even though I very much fought very hard to not be affected by anything happening in that movie so now maybe I'm a Shailene fan? No...no, that might be taking it too far? But maybe not??? Because maybe I like watching her???? She definitely kept me interested here and I thought she did some good things with a role that maybe was sort of lacking?? The overall story was sort of dumb and the movie wasn't really serving me any new shit, though it was cool to see a teenager/young woman explore and embrace her sexuality and not have it be a ~thing~ or have there be some awful slut-shamey element about it. And I liked the subtle change in her where she's becoming more sexual and looks really confident and cute as hell. Ugh I'm being such a Shailene stan right now it's embarrassing like why am I pretending I don't really love her ughggugh 

CAN WE TALK ABOUT WHEN SHE WAS DIGGING THROUGH THAT FREEZER LOOKING FOR HER MOMMY'S CORPSE???

1. I WAS SCREAMING THE WHOLE TIME BEFORE SHE ACTUALLY LOOKED IN THE FREEZER FOR HER TO LOOK THERE BECAUSE THERE WAS LIKE OBVIOUS FORESHADOWING TO IT EARLIER IN THE FILM AND I FELT LIKE I WAS BEING SMARTER THAN THE MOVIE ROLLING MY EYES BEING LIKE "UGH, THE FORESHADOWING WAS SO OBVIOUS" I wonder if it was obvious on purpose because srsly it was so obvious to the point of it being sort of embarrassing, so I'm gonna pretend it was on purpose. Also this wasn't like a horror film so who cares. But secretly it was a horror film tho?? I mean why cast Shiloh Fernandez if you don't want people to scream in response to his facE????

2. WHEN CHRIS MELONI CREAKED DOWN THE STAIRS AND SHE WAS LIKE OH SHIT. Yo, I would throw up. I sort of loved how this movie lowkey became like a thriller lol AND HE WAS SO OBVIOUSLY A MURDERER ABOUT IT lol what a freak

3. nice sweater

4. I'm mad as hell that she didn't find the body. IT WAS IN THERE WTF oh i forgot he moved it ugh

5. and how awkward was that goodbye scene at the airport? Like ur daughter thinks you murdered her mother - which you did! - and it's like lol bye see you at the end of the semester!!! xoxo ugh omg did I secretly love this movie or???? 

My favorite moment of the movie, though, did not include either my queen Eva, nor my princess Shailene. It was when Chris Meloni was running to meet up with Shailene at the airport or some shit and he was omg...idek. He was like jauntily running and waving and I think "Pictures of You" by The Cure was fucking playing jesus christmas it was my dream, my nightmare

Look

...Why have you done this, Gregg Araki? Why would you do something like this?? Please explain yourself.

So ultimately I didn't like this movie! lol It...I don't know. It didn't hit all my points ugh gross don't be weird. I mean, you gave me Eva Green doing the absolute most, and I got some nice acting from Shailene and...Thomas Jane was here??? And I love anything Chris Meloni and his fatty - like so many elements I care about! It just didn't all tie together in any way I cared about lol. I think I definitely didn't like that Eva/Eve was actually killed. I liked the idea of her being over the mom/wife thing and just walking out one day and it would've been cool to see Shailene/Kat sort of run into her living her new life and the movie could've explored what that meant?? (Though I know this was based on a book so ugh sigh) I also thought they were going to try and show us how alike Kat and her mom were by having Kat sort of end up in a similar situation to what her mom was in? Would that have been cliché? What does it matter if the movie ultimately still ended up being cliché??????? Idk, I guess I just wasn't into what they were serving me, and that's fine! There were still some elements of it I enjoyed and I'm just happy anytime I can watch Eva so I'm not wishing anyone was dead here! And that's, at the end of the day, what you want someone to be saying when they review your film! They don't want anyone to be dead! Except maybe Shiloh Fernandez I seriously really hate him so fucking much :')