Nuts (1987)

lol this is clearly one of those cardboard book DVD cases. Usually movies no one cares about get these cases. The DVD I had for Splendor in the Grass had this shitty case. It's like one step up from just being in a paper sleeve and sold for a dollar at Walmart. Yes I'm talking about you, that random version of Jane Eyre with George C. Scott I saw. Maybe George C. Scott playing Rochester deserves that sort of disrespect (I haven't seen it, but I fucking doubt it), but shit like Splendor in the Grass certainly does not. And also, to a lesser extent, neither does Nuts, the movie I'll be talking about today!! 

I liked this movie and I had no intentions upon doing so. I watched this solely because of Richard Dreyfuss and Barbra Streisand, whom I both really love. Especially Richard. Maybe I'm mildly obsessed with him and maybe I watch a lot of questionable shit because he's in it????????????? But also I sat through the entirety of that fucking garbage ass Hello, Dolly! bullshit for Babs, so maybe I'm equally as obsessed with her. Anyway, when I first read the description for this it was like "haha a guy meets a crazy prostitute zany wacky adventures ensue". Like, that's how I read it, and I thought it'd be a Goldie Hawn-esque comedy with like some flustered, consistently irritated ~straight guy~ being annoyed into love by his hooker neighbor? I really fucked up on reading the summary for this movie because Nuts is not that at all??? 

Babs plays some "crazy" bitch named Claudia Draper. She's a high-class proz and she's being charged with manslaughter for killing one of her johns. Played by fucking Leslie Neilsen. Dreyfuss plays Aaron Levinsky, the court-appointed lawyer for Claudia. She loses her first one by punching him in the mouth. When Levinsky gets told by the judge he has to be Claudia's lawyer, he looks like this:

Like, *adjusts glasses* *exasperated internal sigh because he's a professional* "But she's zany". So, in a way, this is sort of a Goldie Hawn-esque comedy thing. And I got what I wanted. Like this movie totally could have been one of those ridiculous eighties romcom things. Like the ~straight-laced~ lawyer defending a prostitute who killed one of her clients and he falls in love with her because her zaniness shakes up his ~straight-laced~ lifestyle and she's so zany killing people and getting child molested and being zany in that sort of specific way and like interrupting in court which is super zany and charging 500 fucking dollars for blowjobs which is the zaniest of them all!!

Can we talk about Claudia's prices tho???? "500 for head"?? IS THIS BITCH FOR REAL? lol, no, would this seriously happen? Is it like condomless head???? Like jesus. But also I think she was charging 300 for handy jays??? lol what?!?!?! This is shit dudes can do to themselves for free?? Maybe I'm just basic as hell and don't know about that high class prozzy life but lol come on. I mean, good on her, but, 

PTA! What are you doing here?! Stop giving Claudia your weird, anti-hipsterish version of a side-eye!!!

No, but Claudia is hot and looks like this 

so, I guess. 

Claudia's whole thing the entire movie is trying to convince the court or whatever thats she's mentally fit to stand trial. Lol like this isn't even about her trying to prove she isn't guilty of murder or whatever, she's just trying to let them give her a fucking trial. It's sort of...depressing. Like the end where she's so happy that the judge rules her mentally fit and she like runs out of the courtroom so happy I'm like lol wait...you still have to stand trial??? They might charge you with murder lol why r u happy???? But I guess Claudia was confident she could prove killing her john was a self-defense thing and she wouldn't be sent to prison forever??? I guess, girl. 

But before that "happy" ending, this movie was really trying to put me through the ringer. Like, Claudia's life is fucked up, and I don't know if us the audience was supposed to tell, but pretty early on in the film I decided Claudia had been raped/sexually assaulted and that sort of shadowed her whole life/behavior. Then when they brought Karl Malden in as her stepdad I was like "oh, right". Like, she was molested. I'm wondering if we were...supposed to be able to tell??? Were we not supposed to know before Karl Malden basically admitted it??? Because I did and I felt uncomfy as fuck like waiting for them to hurry up and reveal it...??

mmm can we talk about all the motherfucker legends in this movie? Babs, Dreyfuss, Karl Malden and his nose, Eli Wallach, that James Whitmore dude, FUCKING MAUREEN STAPLETON. What???! I wonder if this movie was supposed to be Oscar bait??? It looks hella Oscar baity, but also it's not really ~good enough~. Like it got some Globes noms, but it's not like a Best Picture sort of situation. Though I could see Maureen Stapleton getting an oscar nom for best supporting actress, though she didn't. Anyway I was really excited about the cast when they were doing the roll-out during the opening credits. And I'm glad these people were here because honestly, with a more basic cast, this movie would've been lame as hell. Everyone was giving me a performance. Like, James Whitmore as the judge was sort of killing me with his faces and shit????? Whoever cares about the judge character??? And Eli Wallach has sort of a minor role, but it's important still and he made me sort of hate him and ugh I love it. And DON'T EVEN TALK TO ME about Karl and Maureen. What??? Why??? How does this movie happen?? How do they get to play Babs' parents and why wasn't I alive in 1987 to be acting like a freak getting way too excited bitching about none of these niggas getting Oscar noms like some loser lame-o?!!?!? Why is my life basically as shitty as Claudia's come on!?!? I wish I had a gif of when Dreyfuss angrily slapped Eli Wallach's food tray away lol. Cuz that's sort of how I feel right now. And now I'm mad I don't have a gif of that. I wish I had another gif of that to express my anger about how I don't have a gif of that. Also, I wish I could just express emotions in a human normal way without the aid of three second gifs???? OH WELL!!!!!!!!!

lol anyway I liked this movie and I legitimately got into the courtroom scenes, when usually I don't. I hate courtroom dramas like ugh spare me plz. I probably liked this one because the courtroom scenes were really ridiculous??!?! Like would stuff like this happen?? Why.............was it necessary to sort of badger confessions out of Claudia's parents? What...does Claudia being molested by her stepdad have to do with her killing someone??? I guess the other lawyer dude was trying to get them to say they thought Claudia should be locked away in that insane asylum???? And then I guess Levinsky's job was to sort of discredit Karl Malden by proving he's a piece of shit??? lol idk it just seemed...like what went down in this movie would not be at all even remotely appropriate ever??? But I don't know anything about courtoom shit as I try to avoid things like this. And I know even less about a..."trial" being held to determine if someone is mentally fit to stand actual trial. So maybe stuff like this happens all the time? If it does, omg. Like if I knew shit like this existed I would have become a lawyer because this is high drama and I need it all inside of my body. But lol at me saying I'd become a lawyer. I'll probably just kill a john like Claudia and then I can have my own "is she mentally competent?" trial and my court-appointed lawyer will be fucking gross or like a secret neo-nazi or Christian or some shit sigh ugh why do all the bad things have to happen to meeee????

Anyway, here's a random pic I found of Karl Malden while googling shit for this movie

look at him omg he's like one thousand.