Jason Bateman is foreverdong. Can you tell the highlight of my internet life was like 2010? Hmm, enough creepy depressing comments--loljk, there's going to be sooooo much more. That's like, the entire aesthetic of this fucking blog. Ugh, I have a blog. Anyskittle! Jason Bateman is foreverdong, which means either: I will always want to fuck him, or more PC, I love all his movies!!!! Which, really, that's not even true. I feel like lowkey I hate soooo many things Jason Bateman has been in lol. Or, maybe the movies were bad and I would have hated them had he not been in them. Mediocreish garbage like Horrible Bosses, The Change-Up, The Switch, etcetc; really actual terrible shit like Identity Thief, Couples Retreat...etc etcccccccc. Actually a little bit I feel bad for shading The Switch because lowkey highkey that's one of my favorite movies ugh Jason and that little neurotic ass kid give me life. But anyway I'm here today ugh to talk about another movie where Jason Bateman has a cute ass, mildly inappropriate relationship with a kid but that's okay because he's white no one's paying attention to that shit.
So Jason is playing some ~bad ass~~~ crotchety ass ~~rebel~~ dude named Guy Trilby. He...is competing in spelling bees. Which he can do I guess because he didn't graduate the eighth grade or some shit. And throughout the movie we sort of discover that was because his mom was maybe a piece of shit and constantly moving them around and blah blah. Let's address how this is yet another one of those movies where there's an inappropriately-behaving adult, and so "Bad" is the first word in the title. Bad Santa, Bad Grandpa, Bad Teacher, Bad Movies hahaha. No, but seriously, please stop. I'm pretty sure the shark was sufficiently jumped with that show Bad Judge, but lol no probably not. Can't wait for Bad Proctologist out April 2022 like yess let'sdoo thisiss. "Bad Words" is less egregious, I guess, because...I don't know...it's a "joke"...maybe?? Ugh but is it? Like you could have called it Bad Speller and that would have been worse but also lowkey ironic but also still really terrible. But I'll let the title slide ugh but I really don't fucking want to lol
So Guy is participating in these fucking spelling bees with these kids and the parents are upset and...I don't really care about that bit of the movie. I guess it's funny when Guy compares Rachael Harris' vagina to an elephant's trunk. "Grey and distended"...right? I think. It was...hah humorous lol. What I really cared about was Bateman's cute ass little courtship thing with Rohan Chand, who plays Chaitanya Chopra, but whom Bateman calls like everything else but. He calls him like "Slumdog" and "curry" I think...just a bunch of racist shit lol that...is probably how a creepy older white male befriending a tiny Indian child...would exactly behave. So, spot-on accuracy, filmmakers! Or, Jason Bateman, who made this mess. Though he didn't write it ugh okay and a cookie for you, too, the screenwriter! jesus
Guy and Slumdog's romance is one for the ages.
Wait, first look at this fucking kid
No, excuse me, I don't think you don't understand
Chaitanya refers to soda as "soda pop" and Guy tells him to just call it soda or else he'll get raped and it's just like the most accurate way to describe how super-cute this kid is............right??
He's like a hotter Aziz Ansari. Is that racist? Like why do I have to compare him to another Indian. Idek if this kid is Indian. I mean, come on, of course he is. But I don't have this little nigga's birth certificate in my fucking hands - ugh, I wish.
I also found this^ picture in my creepy internet stalking of this child. Wonderful. Life is amazing. A too lazy for suicide blog and also it seems like it'd be sort of ouchie blog like I can't even handle papercuts blog
so!!!! Guy and Slumdog are really cute and become best friends and Guy is sort of...rude to him for a bit in the beginning, and like...just not having sleepovers with him all the time, which is what I wanted. YOU KNOW WHAT SORT OF ANNOYED ME??? Like, I thought Guy was going to discover Slumdog had a room all to himself and, like, just move in without permission. Like when he took all those little liquor bottles out of his mini-fridge and fell asleep, I was like: okay, here we go!! Sleepover time!!! In no way did I think this movie was going to Degrassi-style go there with any...weird...implications of molestation or something lol, but I felt like they 100% shied away from even the implication of implication by having Guy keep staying in that closet, when I feel like it would make more sense for his character had he just moved in to Chaitanya's room, idk, offering up some bullshit excuse like "oh, we can help each other study", or something like that. But I guess maybe him not moving in could be explained away by his antisocialness?? Like maybe he wouldn't want to share a room? Bottom line: I'm pissed off they never got any sleepover action in. Bottom line. And I lowkey hate this movie a little for it. I mean, I guess you gave me that cute little outing of their's where Chaitanya got to see that hooker's boobs - but it wasn't enough!! It wasn't enough, goddammit! You could've done more! You could have saved so many more lives!!
Oh, right, so the whole reason for Guy participating in these spelling bees is because his dad, who abandoned his mom when she found out she was pregnant, is the guy who runs them. Philip Baker Hall or whatever. UMMMMM. I don't know how I feel about the whole...just the whole PBH being Bateman's dad thing. It was sort of lame??? And I don't understand howww--like, what was Guy's plan, exactly? He just wanted...his dad to see him--I DON'T GET WHY HE DIDN'T WANT TO WIN. Wouldn't winning have...sort of...proved something? Or...like, why did he just want to make it to 2nd place? I guess he just wanted to cause as much destruction as possible in the game and...just be noticed by this man, I guess?? And, hoo boy, him telling Philip Baker Hall, like "oh, btw, I'm your son" was hella anti-climatic. Also because I thought PBH sort of knew Guy was his son???? ugh, idk. I especially didn't like when Kathryn Hahn picks Guy up from jail and there's this like emotional music playing over Guy explaining his childhood or whatever and why he's doing this spelling bee shit. I was just like, "uggggggggggggh". It was very trope and it made me uncomfortable and...sigh...I just didn't care. Can...can I get more Chand on my screen, or???
Overall, I think...I think I liked this movie lol. Idk. I'm definitely going to watch it again because I was 100% here for Guy and Slumdog's relationship, and you can get me to halfway like any movie that has a strong couple at its center lol. Also there were some legitimately funny moments that sort of made up for...some not legitimately funny moments. And, like I said, Team Bateman d 4ever and ever. Thank god this didn't star literally anyone else, because I'd be feeling hella differently right now loljk as long as Rohan Chand was still in the movie I'd be straight let's keep it real ;)
Also, never forget that moment when Jason Bateman was blowing in that little black girl's face
Like he was just blowing in her fucking face lol why was it so funny. Her fucking look of disgust and the wincing at it lol omfg. ALSO OMG WHEN HE MADE THAT LITTLE WHITE GIRL THINK SHE HAD GOTTEN HER PERIOD. Wow, Guy was a trip lol. Hmmm I guess I legit liked this movie ugh lol idk it needs a rewatch. I definitely can't wait to watch him blowing in that girl's face again. Is my new sexual orientation Jason Bateman blowing in some little black girl wearing glasses' face? What do I mean "new", as if it hasn't always been that this entire time?????
xoxo
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